I wasn't very coherent earlier as I'm still not feeling my best. He was talking the Matrix movies and while I adore them, loving to discuss the finer details...truly, they watch like very good literature. Best watched like reading one long book. Seeing how the Matrix Reloaded is in fact the "meat" and "transition" of the story lines.
That's neither here nor there. It's a topic for Him and I to discuss at a later point.
It was the deeper issues that I want to talk about today. I've been keeping something back from Him. Dark and miserable things. I do not wish to burden Him with these things, nor do I wish to scare Him away.
But, He said something that is giving me pause and reconsideration:
"It's your life and has a direct impact on you and how you act and thus on me and us."I fear losing Him, but He's right. He can't fulfill His role if I keep myself hidden. It also seems there are a few things I can yet keep from Him. I wasn't sure, until today.
He has a false perception on a part of my life because I don't share the bad. At least not to the extent in which it exists.
I have to trust Him with this and that He will stay. It's not easy on Him, I know. It will be His burden to share as well, and yet He asks without hesitation to be kept aware.
I do not know why He believes me worth the effort. He could have someone who's not as damaged, not as complicated. Yet, I accept that He knows what He's doing. This is a man who carefully thinks out His actions. He does not rush nor take unnecessary risks.
If I am His, and I am, then it is with full knowledge and purpose.
I will be more open and direct. For His and our sake, I will dismantle more walls so He can see clearly.
I imagine one day I will be laid bare completely before Him. All that I am, available for access and exploration. He may not ever understand it all. That is mission enough for a lifetime and more. But I believe one day He'll be able to explore freely, at His pace and upon His whims.