Sunday, January 13, 2013

Opening a door?

*long post advisory*

In my previous post, I was talking about Sir opening doors for me. Blondie (who I cannot link because she doesn't have a public profile) commented about how I should just let Him open doors for me.

The simple answer is: If He wants to, then I should let Him.

However, things are never that simple.

For the sake of this post, the ex-boyfriend I'll be talking about I'll call "Rich." 
Rich was part of my life from Sept. 2005 to...well He slowly disappeared around the end of 2009. There's a lot of history there. He was the first guy to really take care of me. He treated me right. Did all the right things. Quite the gentleman. Opening doors, even to a car for me. His dad taught him well.
He was the first to intentionally open doors for me. It was all the time. I'll admit, I was spoiled. He came from a nouveau riche family. Money was not an issue. It was nothing to be taken out to an expensive restaurant just because. He took a trip to Hawaii. We'd only been together for a month or two. On his return, I was showered with gifts, including a pearl ring that he had made for me.
It was more than just the money that Rich dropped on me. It was the intent behind it. I was his girl and I would want for nothing. I didn't need to open doors; he was there. The guy was never cold, but he always had a jacket with him in case I got chilly.
He gave me one more ring. An emerald ring...I didn't want a diamond.
It was never "official" as the engagement was planned for at least another year or two. We had only been together a year or so when Rich gave me that ring, It was a promise though. Plus I think he wanted a ring made specifically for me.
Along the way with Rich, I lost my independent streak. I could even argue that I was no longer my own person. I was an extension of the guy I was dating. Never a good thing. But I was madly in love. We were in love. He was fantastic. I'll admit I screwed up that relationship, and badly.
Enter in the current boyfriend...the bf was best friends with Rich at the time...when we fell for each other.
It all spiraled out of control for awhile. Yet, a few months later, Rich and I made peace. We were still inseparable. In the summer of 2008 we took a long took at ourselves and each other. We almost got back together. Something in my heart told me I had to let him go.
It wasn't until summer of 2011 that I put that relationship behind me. "Opening a door" represents the past I shared with Rich, because it all started there. He would hold open doors even before we were a couple.
With every guy since, I've struggled with letting them open doors for me. I didn't want to mentally compare anyone to Rich as my heart was still very much hurting. I didn't to wrongly set up new people to fail because I placed them against an idealized memory.

So you know a bit more about me. And Sir, knowing more about my life between Rich to the present time, is likely going to be very confused by certain actions I took. Or it all might make more sense. He is rather good at figuring me out.

Heh, I have not exactly made good relationship choices since Rich. That is until Sir. He is a very good choice. We've taken our time. Seemingly agonizingly slow, but it has been worth it. I think we've done this right.

Even though I'm scared...because I'm terrified to be so part of another person again. It's part of why relationships haven't been working. Because I wasn't looking for long term people, even if I thought I was. Most of them have been long distance, or the one which started out as a play partner that spiraled out of control...realistically, I wasn't looking for what would make me happy long term. Only immediate short term happiness.

Again, I met Him...and that all changed. Because Sir is someone with long term potential. That's why He's scary. I may have talked about the future with others, even made plans, deep in my heart I knew it wouldn't last.

I was searching for a way to mask the pain. And it never worked. It's why I was so unhappy. I also picked people who were absolutely not what I needed. Some of them down right terrible people.

For the first time since 2007, I'm with someone who I'd consider making and keeping plans with. Heh, that is terrifying. In the good way?? I'm sure this may not make total sense to Sir. He can ask any questions He wants/needs to, obviously.

I did mention that this is far more complex than it appears...

Sir has helped give me a lot of clarity over the last 6 months. Part of which has been the self-destructive path I've been placing myself on when it comes to relationships. And well life in general. Sir calls it "my room of pain" and for a long time I was afraid to venture out.

But maybe, with any luck, I'm at a better place for inner peace and happiness. Which in turn places me in a better position for Us to succeed.


  1. I would ask yourself honestly if he is who you think he is. If he is, then it is safe to surrender that to him. The first step is disclosure.


    1. As always, you provide well-said insights.

      Surrendering. I'll have to work on that.


      Thanks June. :)