Wandering In The Desert

I've spent a long time in the desert wandering, probably since I was 6 years old.

I'll find an oasis now and then. It can last anywhere from a few hours to about a year. Around a year's time, the beauty and life that once sustained me will have vanished. Then it's shuffling on, hoping for another oasis to appear.

An oasis can be a moment in time, a place, a person, or if I'm really lucky, a place within me grown through outside influences.

Sometimes I feel if I would just look to the left or right of me, I'd see a sustainable oasis. A place where I can plant roots and rest, but nothing is ever there.

This was a conversation topic that got brought up last night while we were talking.

We were talking in metaphors of life and death. It sprung up for a conversation of strength.

I don't believe I am strong. I've dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I don't have the strength to kick it to the curb, nor do I have the strength to stop this tiresome, lonely walk.

He responded with: "stopping in the desert is death."

I know, it's why I won't stop. Don't have the strength to do it knowing how many it will hurt.

For the most part, the happiness I project is a mask. The social butterfly a defense mechanism.

Inside I am scared, sad, and tired all the time.

As strange as it may sound, I'm terrified of no longer being depressed. It's all I've known. What sits at the depths within me is that deep sadness and pain.

If that's gone, what would I have left?

Having something is better than having nothing at all.

We were talking about strength because I'm currently without a Dom and it's leaving me very unsettled. I'm clinging to the last refuges of previous control because I desperately need it in my life.

I'll find my way with it. I always do. It won't be near as happy or satisfying. But I'm used to that.

Bittersweet

Last night was fantastic! I socialized as I normally do.  Floating between various conversations. A good time was had by all, which is what I want people to go away with after an evening out.

As things were winding down, He and I shared a few moments. Private looks. You should see His eyes when I amuse Him. There's a depth and warmth beyond words.

Like an old tree in a forest. One that's been there forever. Outlasted and outlived. Trees like that are always in a clearing. There might be smaller trees a few yards away, but it's in a league of its own. 

It's the kind of tree you can see every day. You have to sit and watch. Wait for the right moment. Then shows its true form, one of brilliance.

That's the same kind of feeling I get when some of His walls come down. Same intensity.

It's so nice to see Him happy. To see that sparkle in His eyes.

I wish I could pick His brain during moments like that. I wonder what He feels.

Last night I left before everything wrapped up. Turns out He and another woman had an interesting conversation.

She's someone I know well. I like her even. He said He sensed she was curious about Him. Or at the very least, in the things He was explaining.

I'm not a jealous person. I understand where those feelings stem from and typically have a handle on the situation before jealousy would even enter the equation.

So you can imagine how startled I was when I realized I was jealous. The green eyed monster was peeking up from within me.

Apparently I have issues to work through. Like I needed a reminder.

Probably my mind saying that this is what happens why I try to exclude/confine the positive emotions He makes me feel.

*chuckles bitterly*

I enjoy these feelings.

That sums up the problem completely.

I like these feelings. Ones I don't understand. Don't even know what to do with them either.

*sighs*

Such is life. I need to keep on doing what I am right now. Because I don't have any other choice.

Sub Drop & Trust

In my post from the other day, I mentioned how I experienced sub drop after what at first seemed like some pretty vanilla fun.

Then it occurred to me how non-vanilla things really were.

He was in control. Took me by the reins, shaping my pliable self to His will.

I've always said "capture my mind, and my body will follow."

He did just that. He got right into my head. By the time I was in His bedroom, I was a compliant submissive.

I trust Him. I feel so safe around Him...

Typically I deal with sub drop on my own. Miss independent.

I was so gone though, so trusting and free...that when I crashed, I clung to Him. Even when I couldn't express words, I showed Him I needed His comfort in that moment.

I'm fine now. Smiling back on a very deliciously fun evening.

It seems He's been a lot of firsts for me. This is one instance among many.

I'm seeing Him later this evening. Should be interesting to see how we interact now that a few more cards on on the table.

Such A Dirty Girl

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Some Unexpected Happenings

Dinner was great! Really fantastic actually. I had a lot of fun with Him, a bit of cuddling on the couch.

Then there were some unexpected happenings. After dinner, we were relaxing in the kitchen when He remembered He had some laundry to put on. No big deal. Went downstairs with him...

That's when things got intense. He was playing me with a bit. Kissing my neck. Pressed Himself against me from behind...and yum He was very hard!

Should have guessed what would happen from there!

I got led up to His bedroom.

Pushed to the floor so I was kneeling before Him.

We kissed. Good god can that man kiss!

I could have kissed Him all night and been content.

Then He had me suck his cock! That was just super fun!

I love sucking cock and definitely don't get to enough.

I swallowed of course, like a good slut.


The sub drop was unexpected, given there wasn't a lot of dominance. He was in control and assertive, sure. But I've never dropped from a basically non-BDSM scene.

I really just want to curl up and cry. Strange, considering how awesome everything has been.

I was even shaking after He came. I clung to Him. I needed that physical comfort.

I'm sure I'll have more to say about this in a few days, after I process everything.

Probably has something to do with the fact that we crossed a line. We talked about oral sex..and it was something we were both interested in. But, now it's actually happened.

I don't think my mind has caught up with that yet. Nor what it means for us, if anything.

More to come on this soon...

Trust, Blow Jobs, & Waiting Patiently

We talked for hours last night. So much that I completely distracted Him from cleaning. My bad!

Each of us shared the internal feelings and struggle within. He hasn't dated anyone in two years. He took a break from all of it.

Of course He wonders how much of the attraction is based on loneliness and availability. There is a little from that.

I felt the same way. If that, because he was local and intriguing, I was trying to pursue someone I shouldn't.

The truth is there is something very real and genuine between us. We want to let that part grow and nurture it properly.

We spoke about oral sex. It all began with me saying: "I'm a sucker for you and your evil ways."

He made a joke about not literally...

We spoke about the boundaries that would shift. He might become more possessive of me, if we crossed that line. I left it up to Him.

Very submissive of me, I know. But I respect His boundaries and trust Him to make the right decision.

I'm going to dinner at His place over the weekend. Maybe watch a movie. Get all close and snuggly. Get my hair pulled. Yum!

We also agreed to take this very slowly. Ultra slow, if necessary. I'm in no rush. He wants me and some part of Him wants to throw caution to the wind.

He's too levelheaded though. I'm too content with the slow paced development.

Right now, it's still friends with benefits. Mainly friends.

He has just as much emotional baggage as I do. There's an incredible level of trust and safety with each other.

It's something we can help each other with, as we become closer.

I'm still not convinced I'm the type of woman He wants and needs.

Until He tells me otherwise, I have no intention of putting my heart on the line or wanting for more than what exists now.

Changes in life

I've been doing a lot of introspection lately. When He was over, we talked about one of my primary relationships. I said, "I'm worried that I'm pulling away because of my interest in you."

He surprised me with His answer, "I think 75% has to do with me. The other parts were already under the surface for some time."

He didn't mean it to be egotistical or arrogant. He was just being honest.

He continued with, "What do you want out of the relationship?"

"Friendship, of course. We always said we'd continue that." I then paused for a minute. "I think the lack of another answer says everything..."

The relationship will end amicably. We knew if it did end, it would be without drama. Maybe we'll start it again when we're both in different places. Right now, it just isn't working. Outside factors in both our lives are in the way of making it successful.

Also, my partner had been driving me more and more up a wall over the last two months. That is a sure sign that the relationship needs to end, from my personal experience. Once I've lost patience it means I've lost quite a bit more in regards to my feelings, and staying together will do no one any good.

I actually don't think it has to do with Him. Not in the way it seems. I see more clearly when around Him and when we talk. Given that, it is obvious that I would then examine all aspects of my life with that same clarity.

I must do what it best for me, and for my partner. I currently can't give him everything he needs. We are long distance and our schedules place demands on us so that it is hard to even connect daily. It's not fair with the impositions of life, but it is no more fair to continue to be in a relationship which exists only in name.

I do appreciate the clear headed perspective He gives me...huh, I'm using a capital H to dissolve confusion. But I must admit, it came naturally. There's even a little lip biting going on. Must be the sub has truly come out to play this evening!

Moi? A present?

I'm going to be a birthday present for a friend of mine's Master.

She's been wanting to have another girl available for him to hurt during their times together. It's been a number of years since she's had a sister sub.

Her Master has no clue of what his present is, only that it'll be waiting for him on Wednesday!!

It should be a lot of fun! I'm sure I'll have pretty marks to show off!!!

I'm also hoping I'll be able to sit the next day. Chances are very slim, but crossing my fingers anyway.

~~~~~~~~

I'll be at a local gathering (a munch basically) tomorrow. Typically I get to see "Him" there. He has other plans for the day though. I'll miss him, but I have a feeling two of my friends will continue their torture streak. Not that I mind!

It's looking to be a smaller gathering than the norm. I plan on chatting with people around the room instead of staying in one spot the whole time. It can be a bit overwhelming with 40+ people normally.

So we got to talk

He was over for dinner and conversation. We had slowly been talking about everything we needed to discuss over the past week. It solidified last night.

We're both falling more into this connection, allowing ourselves to open up and be closer. It's not a falling in love situation on either end. Maybe "falling in like"?

It's also a perpetual fall. At least for now. With some small landing platforms to catch our breaths.

We're so similar in many ways. We could both walk away from this, right here right now. It would hurt, but we'd get over it. With just a small residue of "why did we give that up?"

It's not something either of us plan on doing though!

Strange how much we're alike. Even to the point of misreading each other in the same ways. We'll figure that part out as we go along though.

We also talked about my other relationships. One is strong, the other fading into friendship. He asked the right questions so I could figure myself out and what I wanted to do next.

I flirted with him a lot last night. I didn't mean to, honestly. It just comes out around him, especially when he tones the dominance down. He stopped himself from pushing limits.

I had a confession for him though: No matter how often or how much I flirt, I will never make the first move. I make my feelings known and let the other person decide where to go from there.

If it doesn't go anywhere, well that's fine too.

I wanted a kiss last night. Just one kiss. One long, breath taking kiss.

I'll just have to wait for that...

He also told me that he plans on unleashing his inner sadist on me at the next event. There are several in October we'll both be at. I can only imagine the plans he has.

*licks lips*

Can't wait!



Also, sorry my blog was down for a few days. Blogger thought my blog was a spam account and after a review, they obviously realize it's not. No clue what triggered that. *shrugs*  But I'm back with hopefully no more issues!

I've got it bad!

The following was describing something that happened while I was at an event this past weekend...

me: I um wished you were there...and thinking about you? well that made me smile...it may have also eased me into playing with someone new for the first time.


Him:  *touches cheek* You've got it bad don't you?

me: *whispers*  yes

Him: :)
Well then
I'm just glad I can be helpful to you

me: you definitely were that...even just in thought...and that was a very close call to touching the inner sub...i kind of glazed out for a second there.

Him: :)
my little kitten is learning


yeah...I have it very bad for him. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. At all. *grins*

He called me his kitten. That didn't go unnoticed.

I'm seeing him tomorrow. I think we'll finally have our "talk" then.

*crossing fingers*

Flight Response

We saw each other and my walls came down. All of them.

Frankly, it was a good thing. I realized that our connection was a surface level problem being affected by something deeper.

I started going to private kink functions recently. Had a lot of fun at them. Really opened up and let myself have fun.

My mind is trying to turn a positive, fun experience into a severe panic attack.

Guess I'm not quite ready for that yet.

It doesn't feel like it's coming from a place of guilt or shame.

But it definitely triggered a flight response.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this.

*****

Some good news though. We had a good conversation last night. I admitted that I was out of sorts and he got me to talk through what I was feeling.

I got some insights into his perspective of what was happening internally within him over the last two months. He recently got back into all of this and he was trying to figure out the reason behind our connection.

We realized that we were limiting each other by setting up such strict boundaries. It was causing a lot of confusion between us too. (as if that much wasn't obvious)

We're leaving it free to became whatever it turns out to be.

Solutions?

I've spent the weekend resigning myself to the fact that we both have feelings for one another, but they're not doing us any good. So I stuffed those feelings into boxes. I hope it'll hold, though it never has before.

Part of why I express that I'm poly by nature is so I don't have to do this very thing. I know it's bound to happen sooner or later.

The problem with boxing up feelings is they tie back to feelings about others. So I'm sad and it's creeping into my other relationships.

It can only be a temporary solution, I'm aware. I'm also seeing him this evening at a local event. I'll be surprised if my system lasts the night.

Part of the problem is that I enjoy the feelings I have for him. They're warm and happy.

They also drive me insane because I can't do a damn thing with them. That leads to frustration and heart ache.

I don't see a real good solution to all of this. I'm hoping these feelings will dissipate with time, if not fizzle out all together.

Except I know that's not really how I want to feel...

I'm pretty well fucked.

Almost

Him: we fit almost perfectly

me: it's that "almost"

Him: well...at least on my end it's an almost that I have to remind myself of or else it'd slip by the wayside


The almost is our belief systems. He's staunchly Christian. I'm...whatever I am. Spiritual. How we view the Creator and Universe is vastly different.

I'm not pushy with my beliefs. He's not either. We can discuss religion, and have done so, without it turning into an argument.

It's why the "almost" has to be in both our minds. It's the only obstacle between us. And his own stubbornness.

Also our agreement to just be friends.

Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into?

Underneath The Surface

We have plans to meet in person some time soon. I'm hoping on Sunday we'll get the chance. We need to talk.

He knows how much pain this turmoil has caused me. These feelings in me want to take root.

He wants to lay everything on the table. No more ignoring what we both know is there.

Funny how a friends with benefits arrangement can turn to more, even when we're both resisting it.

That's the thing: we were both perfectly happy being friends who occasionally play, with no sexual contact.

When we look at each other though, the rest of the world melts away. There's a spark that comes alive in his eyes. The tension between us could be cut with a knife.

It's the feeling of safety that still startles me most. Even when I'm most exposed, I feel so safe around him. Yes, there is a feeling of flight when he stares at me hungrily. That fades after a few seconds, then I want to strip and be available to him.

He brings out the sub in me.

I know the conversation is going to go one way. He's not going to mess with what's already working in my life. That's fine. It's what we agreed to and I'll stand by what we set forth.

The problem will still be that every time we're near each other, we'll want more. He says he has a game plan and I'm curious to see where that'll go. I don't know if that is something we'll be able to "fix."

I'm not sure I want to fix anything. I like how I feel. It's just maddeningly frustrating. I may be relieving lots of said frustration with orgasms. And I know exactly who to turn to for help with that!

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

Last night did not go according to plan...

I think someone (up there) has it out for me or him, maybe both of us. Even when I have walls erected to keep him out, he knows exactly how to dismantle me to see where I'm hidden away.

When I took the walls down, it felt right. I felt safe. I wanted to be held by him and not let go.
It was also strange, even for us. We were more in tune. Everything clicked and when our eyes met, the world slipped away.

He told me something, as we were heading out. He had just held me close, stroked my arm gently.

"The choice that's mine to make...I know what you would choose so it's up to me." pause "I can't do it. I would be overwhelming..."

I replied, "I don't know what my options are. I don't know if I could even if I wanted to..."

At that moment, two friends we had been at dinner with came over to talk with us for a little longer in the parking lot. A decent distraction for an awkward moment.

I know he would not share control of me well. It would cause a division between us, should we try.

Or more likely, it would drive away the other two people in my life. Something neither of us want.

I don't know what the plan was supposed to be. I didn't expect to come home and sit in my drive way, banging on my steering wheel. Nor did I expect to be silently screaming and shaking with rage when I laid in bed.

But when he looks at me, seeing me oh so clearly...accepting, inviting me closer into his world...I can't help but respond.

In Wishes and Coffee

I've only known him since July. It seems like we talk every day or near about that. It's easy to lose hours in our conversations.

We see each other at local events. Have even done the dinner and coffee thing. I'll be seeing him later this evening.

I'm nervous, excited, worried...petrified. Not of him but of my own reactions. We're mixing things up tonight, for us. Testing each other's strengths and weaknesses.

I want him to be stronger.

Please be stronger. I am a woman with a weakness, in a man with a devious smile, a strong laugh, and a brilliant mind.

He's not the first with the potential to completely overpower me, in every sense. I think he'd be the first to have the courage to try and the skills to do it right.

Ah, if only our paths had met at a different point in time...though technically we had. We were different people then. It truly would have crashed and burned between us. Then we were presented a second chance, once our lives were in better places.

Yet still the timing isn't right.

So I will meet with him this evening. Share a lot of laughs. He'll give me looks that will melt me to my core  and stop my breath. It'll be intense, sexually charged, and controlled. He'll push my buttons and I'll have to resist him at every turn.

All because I asked. Because we need to know if I can. What it'll mean if I can't.

I'm not the only one falling...

Falling Hard

For the record: I'm falling. Hard and fast.

He stormed the castles of my mind...and I let him in. Let me say that again:

I LET HIM IN!!!

What was I thinking?! I have no clue. Probably not thinking. That was likely my problem.

The worst/best part: He wasn't even trying. 

Neither of us were trying. We wanted to avoid this actually.

The rules have been set. There's so much we're not saying.

I also know he's not mine. He'll never be mine.

I'm not what he's looking for, and I never will be that. Our core religious beliefs are too different. Contradicting.

The D/s power exchange between us is so right. It's easy. I let him in, he takes control. I'm so safe around him. I know he's not going to hurt or harm me. There's no fear, where there's always been fear and doubt.

I recognize a kindred spirit in him. He's a guardian of those around him. A protector. I'm the same way. People look to me for advice, help, strength. I'm a Libra, keeper of the balance. One of justice too. I see a similar responsibility in him.

I try so hard to keep him at a distance. I can't though. Not when he sees me so clearly. He's in my castle; I have no where left to hide.

Yet, he's not mine. I know it, deep within me.

He'll end up with another woman. One who thinks more like he does. Believes what he believes. He'll be happy.

My heart will hurt. These feelings I have will twist and turn. I will grow to resent the connection between us. Then I'll let him go because I won't hurt him for what can't be helped.

Knowing all of this and what the outcome will very likely be, I can't turn away from it. He's worth the eventual heart ache. I enjoy the friendship and companionship too much to turn away. It'll make up for any pain I may feel later on.

These words needed to be said. So that one day when I am in pain, I can look back. Remember why it was all worth it in the end.

The Beginning

This is the beginning of a journey. One I can't share anywhere else. My safe haven has become an open playing field, of my own choosing. Yet I crave for some place safe and separate. So here I am, blogging anonymously for the masses.

There is more than one significant person in my life. Two are solidified. One is...I really don't know what we are. More on that to follow. Because it's the latter I'll be talking about the most. He's an enigma in my life.

We've decided to be friends...with a few benefits of a BDSM nature. The boundaries are still pretty loose. One day it'll be solidified either way.

So this blog is about that journey. Wherever it may lead.