I need a break, sorry

First, I removed the last three posts. Something in me snapped on Saturday. If I really cared to go into it, I could pinpoint why it happened. I was triggered into a very unhealthy state. I was unaware of the severity until talking just now with Sir.

My mind saw an issue that did not exist and instead was a simple conversation. Then it went "Fix the issue(s) until everything is okay."  Part of that is severe paranoia and irrational fear. There's been the voice of reason trying to have its concerns heard over the din of noise as well. Hence why there's been a extreme dissidence in my literary tone and expressions.

It's something I see once it's pointed out to me and then I can work on it. It was also pointed off that I came across a bit bipolar. As I explained to Him, it's my mind's way of resolving the fear and paranoia. Given that there was no issue, I was instead making everything much worse.

So I'm going to take some space and sort out my head. When I come back, hopefully you'll get the usual me--not the triggered mess that I currently am.

We had our usual "I should be in therapy" conversation. Maybe one of these days I'll actually listen.

So if everyone could forget the last few days, I'd really appreciate it. What I wrote was heavily edited and lacking a lot of context. I even confused Him. Also, you weren't reading a rational version of my thoughts. I don't entirely trust myself as I try to explain everything. As strange as this sounds, please don't trust what I've been saying the last couple days either. I ask that you understand I suffer from long term depression. While nothing what I said was false, it was not rational and it was fueled by paranoia.

My thank you--our thank you--is still valid. We do appreciate your support. And it's absolutely okay for you to point out if I'm going off the rails again. Mainly I want to apologize for putting you through this roller coaster.

I will see y'all soon, hopefully no longer than a couple of weeks.

P.S.  I did keep the following because it was the one good thing that happened over the last few days:

We all need something positive right now, so I'm going to share that first. It took a lot of months but it came when I most needed it. "I care about, want and love you."  It was one of the first things He said to me yesterday. I had Him confirm it; there couldn't be any doubt in my mind. "I've meant it for all the months I've never said it." 

Frustrations

In my last post, I mentioned how He's going to Indiana in October. Earlier this afternoon He told me the dates for when He'll be gone. If you had already guessed, like myself, that He'd be gone for my birthday--you get a cookie. I'm still not angry. Even though I truly expected this outcome, the intensity of the initial stab of pain was surprising. But I'll get over it. We'll still celebrate both of our birthdays, even if not on the actual days.

I have a hate/please-just-go-away relationship with my birthday. It has a habit of being a terrible reminder of how lonely I am. I consider those average birthdays. The bad ones have consisted of funerals, being robbed, and being evicted from my apartment. That Sir is going to be a few states away is setting this birthday to still be above par compared to prior birthdays. Which as depressing as all of that sounds, my best birthday in many years was last year. Sir played a large role in that. I know He'll do something sweet to make up for the fact that He won't be there on the actual day.

"Begin Murderous Rampage Now" Yes please!! LOL

Honestly, I did vent my frustration to the best friend. That's what best friends do, lol. She offered to do something with me on the actual day of my birthday. But see, I actually do have something going on that day. Two of my friends are getting married to each other. I hadn't mentioned it to Sir yet, as it was still far off, but I had hoped to bring Him with me. So much for that, heh.

I likely will take the best friend up on her offer though, but for the following day. She already knew that Sir wasn't going to be around for His own birthday. Her husband travels for work on a regular basis so she can completely relate. We were talking about how I have a technical four day window to celebrate His birthday with Him, with the reality being two days.

Oh yeah, surprise! When I go to visit the BF in our home state, we end up at the shore with several friends, as I'm only able to see these people a few times a year. The sole week all summer that worked for everyone was June 15th to the 22nd. So He'll be gone for a week and a half only for me to leave as soon as He gets back.   *sigh*  

It's just a whole bunch of frustration that life is getting in the way. Nothing is inherently bad; it's all a matter of timing. Most of which (or possibly all) can't really be helped. I needed to vent because I was really nice to Sir. I was not about to start a fight or an argument. There was no point. And I'm truly not angry. These are simply situations where I'm not going to win and I have to accept that.

So now, I'm going to grab more coffee and write. My main character needed to be frustrated anyway so I can better get into her head. That's what optimism looks like, right??

Some Days Need To End And Be Forgotten

I won't even go into the nightmare that today was. I don't want to relive it, ever. Just know that I have my furniture and those people will never see another cent from me. Which is sad for them because I adore antiques.

Thank god, the saints, the angels, any and all pantheons, heck any divine being that may exist that I got to see my Sir today!!! I surely would have cracked with blinding rage and stress otherwise.

He helped me decompress. Granted, I'm still feeling the effects the anger left behind. I think I stop breathing properly which my body doesn't agree with at all. Here's to hoping a good night's sleep will do me good!

So, as great as it was to see Him, I received some displeasing news. Not only is His work taking Him from me this first week of June, it's now been decided that He has to go away on the 12-14th. His birthday is the 12th. It's great for His job as it means more training. That's awesome and I'm very happy! But why, heavens above WHY did they need to take Him from me on His birthday? Mind you, the first I would have celebrated with Him.

And to top it off, I found out that He's going to Indiana in October. Silly me didn't ask when. Want to guess when my birthday is? Yeah, I will not be thrilled if He'll be gone then. Not angry or upset, just not exactly happy either. And I reserve the right to change my mind about that too, lol! He's going job hunting while He's out there. Yay...maybe?? I'm of two minds when it comes to Him and jobs.

Thankfully today is almost over. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully it'll end up better than this one. Yeah, I've got nothing else. I got my ass kicked on several levels and that's all the optimism I have at the moment.

I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Weekend! :)

Hope

I'm still inching through the Ragamuffin Gospel. Maybe it's meant to be that way. There's a section about being honest with who we are, all the good and the bad, in order to be in a more honest place with our relationship to God. I really do recommend this book. As a former Catholic, and if I'm honest no longer even Christian, it means a lot coming from me. The author speaks a language I understand, probably because he's a former Franciscan priest.

I want to share a passage with you. It spoke to me on several levels. My struggling relationship with the Creator, the tumultuous relationship that I have with myself, and the relationships I have with those in my life.

Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him--as nothing else can--and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. (pg 87)

The realizations that one paragraph gave me are stunningly beautiful. I was moved to tears. Most of it is very personal, as it should be. One of those moments where something clicks in my mind and I have a greater understanding. I'm left feeling in awe.

Seeing as this is a blog about Sir and I, there are a few realizations that I will share. The startling truth that this is how Sir feels about and reacts towards me. My past, with all my imperfections, don't scare Him away or put walls up between us. He accepts that I'm broken, that He is too. Yet we are proof that we can heal one another. The walls we try to put up are false things. I see past His walls, just as He does mine.

When I'm honest and open, everything doesn't seem so bad. He helps shed rationality onto situations and emotions. If He trusts my honesty, if He embraces all my faults--I have to learn to trust that He means what He says. That when He's vulnerable, it's not a ploy. He truly only wants what is best for me. One day I won't doubt any of this.

I wish I could better explain the emotions going through me. That I feel as if I'm seeing with eyes wide open, with clarity. He's not perfect. I'm far from it. But together, everything seems a little better. The wonder and awe returns. All of His complexities leave me speechless and comforted. The past has been getting clearer. I'm being reminded there's been more than just pain. I've been seeing how the pain has shaped me into the person I am today. Compassion and empathy for others. Appreciating what blessings I have in life. Living a simple life. I still want to change the world, but one person at a time. Realizing the impact I have on those around me. I make their lives better and in turn they're able to help others.

I hope this feelings lingers for a while. I know it can't last. It's too peaceful. It's hopeful. That word that has been friend and foe for many years. Today, it feels like friend. That the words I use to keep myself afloat have more meaning and weight behind them. Even with how my life hasn't turned out like I always imagined, there's still plenty of time to change directions. That doing so will lead to a better, brighter future.

I will sometimes miss the subtle clues. I'm thankful that this one was able to hit home. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe the Creator sends me the right clues exactly when I need them. Every time I stray, I find my way back to faith--even if it's not Christianity. I find the right people, at the right time. My life led me to this point, where I love and am loved by one of the best men I've ever known. That's more than a lot of people have and I'm so grateful for Him.

I have hope. It's a strange, but good feeling.

Misperceptions

Sir and I have been really good lately. Like G-O-O-D!!! Even with the hiccup while I was babysitting, it ended up being a good thing as it brought our focus back to each other. We're both doing our best to not let it get to that point again.

I get to see Sir on Thursday as I need help moving some furniture. I'm getting a dining set and an armoire delivered from a local antique store. I'm going to modify the armoire to have shelves instead of a hanging closet on the one side. I've been waiting to find one that wasn't outrageous for a little over a year. See, I do have some patience! It was a steal too, at $76.50 after a 10% discount.

I asked Sir if He'd have time this week to help. As a thank you I'm making something delicious on the grill. Truly, I appreciate that He's willing to come help me move furniture up stairs and around halls. Granted, this is likely not the last time I'll ask for this favor. I can make up for it in sexy ways at least. My king sized bed is calling for us to have fun on it. :-D

Speaking of sex, apparently there are people in the local kink community who believe that I'm a slut. That I'm sleeping with lots of people. Granted, it's not terribly unusual for people to do such so I don't think I'm being judged for it. Sir and I think it's hilarious. Probably because we know the truth. The only person I'm having sex with is Him. I have a staggering low count of sexual partners.

If it's not been clear, we are lucky if we get the chance to have sex once a month. It's nothing against either of us. Just a statement of fact. It's not that the interest isn't there but when we get so little time together, we often focus on each other. If we have sex, awesome. If not, we still have a wonderful time together. Conversation can be just as satisfying as any orgasm. It's not the norm and we do understand that.

Otherwise, my head space is doing better. That we're doing better is also helping. I wanted to snuggle up in bed with Him last night. Instead I pulled up a blanket that I didn't let go of all night. I had a dream of Him and woke up clutching the blanket as if it were His arm. I miss Him dearly. I will be very happy to see my Sir on Thursday. :)

Through the Turbulent Emotions

I wish things were simpler. Last night the idea of Him hijacked my dream. It's good to have Him back there, but it means I'm worried too. There's nothing at all to be done about any of it. Just making that clear now. I can't keep bottling it up inside though.

He told me that He loved me twice in the dream. I know He does as He's alluded to the very specific absence of the words. He shows it in His actions. My logical part of my mind understands and accepts this. The emotional side, what we associate with our hearts, doesn't get it. There's fear, loneliness, stress, aching, and a whole mess of other emotions.

For the most part I'm distracted during the day. At night, I lie in bed aching from all the emotions I try to avoid. Physically aching, mind you. Because I can't give them voice or life. There is no salve to heal them. So I'm left convincing myself that it's all worth it. That one day it'll get better. It has to get better. Believing it only insofar as I don't put up walls between us.

Earlier today, He told me that He wants me to be honest about the good and the bad. I believe Him and I know there's no ill intent or motive behind it. That's not always been the case in the past. People walked out of my life when times got hard. Family, friends, partners--they all did it, with the exception of a handful of people. Sometimes before people would leave, they would use that trust against me. That as I am no one will ever want to be in my life, let alone share it.

It's like an animal, after it's been abused and beaten more times than it can count. It prepares for the out lash. Avoids doing whatever it is that "triggers" the abuse, knowing that it'll likely come anyway. People aren't that different from animals. I'm not that different.

I know He's different. He defies everything people tried to make me believe was true. It's just going to take some time to wrap my head around it. I know I project my fears onto Him. That there must be some cruel monster waiting to harm me, to break me, lurking some where within. But there's not. I can accept it yet still not believe it. I can only imagine how frustrating that is for Him.

There's not simple answer to any of this. I'm exposing old wounds that I hate to reveal but I have to do it if we stand a chance at all. I was sobbing my eyes out earlier and three simple words helped ease the pain. "I can wait" :)   Wait for me to build more trust. Wait for me to truly believe Him to be the man I know He is.

Date Night--The Overview

The movie was excellent. I highly recommend seeing it. There's something to be said for having seen Iron Man 1 and 2, Thor, Captain America, The Avengers, and now Iron Man 3 that the series is still incredibly interesting. Thor 2 is coming out in the fall and I can not wait. The movie preview was a wonderfully, terrible tease. Add in what Sir thinks they'll be doing with Iron Man for the future, I await anxiously to see what comes next.

I am not a movie person, at all. For me to be this interested in a movie series, it indicates how truly well done the movies are. Though there was a moment during the movie where I must have turned 6 shades of red. One of the minor characters was annoying the hell out of me. Before I realized what I was doing, I yelled, "Just turn it around!!!"  Thankfully there was only one other person in the theater besides us. Sir about died, I think with laughter. And that's why I should watch movies in a private residence, so I can yell at people for doing stupid things.

Dinner was excellent in my opinion. It was nice to catch up and talk. Work is driving Sir to exhaustion. They need to hire more people, which will hopefully be happening soon. I found out He'll be out of town the first week of June for work training. By out of town I mean He'll be getting on a plane and flying several hours away. Different time zones and all that. It's good because well it's work related. Doesn't mean I have to like Him being so damn far away. At least it's only for a week and hopefully the time will pass quickly.

Back to the movie, my ankle decided to be a pain, literally. Fighting back waves of nausea is not really the best way to enjoy a movie. I was overheating and not doing terribly well at all. But there was nothing to be done about it so I stuck it out. Sir was good in helping how He could. It started to feel like hell when I took a shower. I may have done more damage considering how much it hurt. But I stuck it out and enjoyed the movie anyway.

So that was our exciting, vanilla evening lol. We're pretty vanilla most of the time. The kinkiest it got was when Sir said, "What am I going to do with you?"  in an exasperated tone because my body doesn't work properly and I may not take the best care of it when injured. Oh Sir, there's lots to do with and to me. But I'm still up for hiking once I'm better. Get a good work out in for both of us while enjoying nature. I used to hike all the time, though I have a hard time imagining Sir in the woods. This should be interesting...or hilarious. Possibly both. :-D

His weekend is going to be incredibly busy. I'll be attending a college graduation on Sunday and going to a munch later in the day. Not too much else interesting. Maybe we'll have something good for you all next week. :)

Date Night

Sir and I are going on a date tonight. Yay! :)

We're going to dinner and a movie. There's an amazing noodle house in town, which is where we'll be getting dinner. It's so good!! Then it's a short drive to the theater to see Iron Man 3, in 3D of course.

I'm very excited! He is too, which is awesome. I'll be so happy to see Him. Hopefully work doesn't completely wear Him out today. They're good for that, ugh.

So, in preparing for this, we were texting about the details. We're both far too agreeable. I didn't care what He wanted to see. If it was Star Trek, I could live with that. It's still spending time with Him. And He was all "But I want you to enjoy the movie too."

"I don't know if I would or wouldn't like Star Trek. And I can easily watch the first movie so I'm caught up."

That's when He said we're both too agreeable. I have a reason for it...I'm submissive to Him. I'm not about to make a big deal over a movie. He's the Dom, make a decision, LOL! That's twice I've pulled that card on Him recently.

I have to say I'm impressed though. He put His foot down and said that we were going to see Iron Man 3. Furthermore, I told Sir about the noodle house and He liked the idea. When I mentioned some other restaurants in town, He stopped me instantly. No, we're going to the noodle house. I didn't argue from that point forward though. I do know the line and when not to cross it. :)

It'll be so great to see Him later. I expect lots of hugs. Being held close, safe and protected.

Uninspired Title

I'm not doing too bad right now. I saw K and R...I think that's the "names" I use for them. The play partners, very good friends, the ones who partially think me their kitten, etc. Whom Sir shares me nicely with. :)

I saw K and R last night. It's always good to spend time with them. They asked about Sir and how we're doing. I mentioned that the depression was kicking my ass again. R understands as she has her own battle with it. She mentioned June would be better for their schedule. I'm thinking Sir and I need to make plans with them soon.

Granted, Sir and I need to figure out our own plans. We both have time this week and we're going to see a movie. Probably Iron Man 3, unless there's something more interesting out which I doubt. He did send me a good night text last night. It was very sweet and appreciated. We also were talking about ways to manage depression earlier in the day.

I segregate everything in my head. The intent was to deal with everything individually as well as function a little better. It's not the best solution, not by any means because even individualized, trying to deal with the pain is overwhelming. I used to repress things and silly me went looking for answers several years ago. The answers didn't help. I'd argue they made things worse.

This blog and my other writings are an outlet to manage the depression. I can sort out an issue or siphon off a bit of the pain/fear/panic. I keep myself busy and do what I can to get through each day. Sometimes it's enough. Others, not so much.

On an unrelated note, I kind of want a play thing. A male sub that I can poke, beat, and just do all sorts of horribly lovely things to. This urge appears now and then. I'd have to ask Sir about it. I barely get time with Him; I'm not about to give any of that up for a play thing. Or ya know, if we found a female sub we could both torment...

It's a little ironic given that I want to delve deeper into submission with Sir, and yet I want a play thing as well. A nasty little slut, at that. It's likely to happen at some point or another. Probably more once Sir and I figure out what the heck we're doing. Because that is priority number one for me. While I want to indulge in a bit of sadistic fun, I won't do it at the expense of my relationship with Him.

Though there is something to be said about having a sub boy/slave chained up in one's basement waiting to be of service. Maybe there's a bit more of a Domme in me than I'd like to admit, hehe.

Debates Over Therapy

I was writing a nice post yesterday. A lighter piece from the last few days, full of love and sweetness. I apologize that you're not reading that one instead.

About half way through, the depression crashed into me like a damn semi truck. I haven't been able to shake it since. Or a tidal wave might be more accurate. Since trying to stay on top of the depression is like keeping my head above water as it tries to pull me down to the dark depths.

Sir wants me to talk to someone, a professional. This is not the first time we've had this conversation. I doubt it'll be the last. We're both biased in different directions about therapy. I am so frustrated by therapists that I let that malice enter my words directed His way. It wasn't fair and I apologized for it. He wants me to be happy and healthy. I can't blame Him for it.

I don't see the personal advantages of seeing a therapist. I know it can do wonders for people. It's a positive if the therapist is any good. But I don't like therapists nor do I trust them. And the one time I met the right therapist and gave it a true chance, I was a mess constantly. I could not function in my day to day life, and we had barely touched a tip of the iceberg of issues.

I keep everything carefully locked away for a reason. I don't go near those parts because they're like landmines. I do much better when I stay far away from it all. But you ask, what caused the initial spark of depression?

The best I can tell, though it seemed like a reaction to being hit by negative waves at the time, was I had a panicked moment about this blog. That what I was doing, writing about Sir and I, was wrong. That He must hate me for it. Obviously, He reads this and it's something we've talked about before. Yet there was no voice for rational thought yesterday, especially not above the sea of chaos and darkness.

But this blog doesn't make sense for being the initial start of a depressive episode. It could have been something delayed from anything. Or my mind simply fucking with me. I wouldn't put it past my mind to have a depressive episode be caused by nothing in particular.

I know Sir is just worried about me. He hates when I'm not doing well and I know He feels like there's not much He can do to help. It's why He suggested that I go see someone for help. It comes from a place of love and concern. It's likely the only reason why I'm not mad or why it didn't further set off the depression. It's frustrating because therapy is supposed to be the doctor and medicine for the mind. Yet for me, it's one of the quickest ways to shut down and retreat.

So, I don't know what to do. Stay with keeping my head above the water I guess. I do feel better than I did yesterday. The depression hasn't been lasting near as long since around the new year. I'm sure it'll be a few days yet, but I'm fighting the good fight. Maybe I will get into therapy at some point. Actually, if Sir and I stay together, I'm sure it'll be a 'when' not an 'if.' We've had this conversation too many times now. Eventually I'll go just to prove one of us right and to stop the continuing debate over this.

Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon to finish the sweetness post from yesterday. This blog needs something light and fun. Truthfully, I'm in need of that too. And I could use some time with Sir but that's always the case. :)

Being Realistic

Sir and I were texting on Monday night. When He asked how I was doing, I explained my head space was jumping around from all the writing and analyzing. I ended up sending Him the last two posts early. They were already written and mulled over several times over.

It's a scary thing to reveal the truth beneath the lies I had almost convinced myself were real. I wanted to be happy but I didn't want to be vulnerable and let people in to see the real me. There was the line that was not crossed for many years. It was an unhealthy existence for myself but more so for the relationships I was in. That's not to say I didn't care about any of them. But when I look back and realize they all should have been friends or less, rather than lovers, the truth reveals itself.

Sir did just the opposite. He withdrew into himself and hid from the world. He didn't date or connect with anyone. Absolutely career focused. He was aching and hurting just as I was. The only difference was in how we both expressed it.

I've mentioned that we met online around January '11. It was either then or the December before. It was almost as if someone up there whispered, "Not yet."  That would have been terrible, back then. His heart was still raw and my life, if you can believe it, was more of a mess than it is now. He mentioned this on Tuesday night while at the bar with some friends. He said something to the effect of "This wouldn't have gone very far." He's right because it didn't. We exchanged a few messages and then we went our separate ways. I thought He was kind of a jerk back then, heh. And lord only knows what He thought of me. It goes to show that online perceptions can be extremely inaccurate, especially in the beginning conversations. It could also show that who Sir and I are now, we're not the same people, which I think is good on both counts.

I wondered in the beginning of this blog if the outcome would be the same regardless. Already things have changed. We recognize that we're healing and it has a lot to do with love. We're definitely happier too. Everyone can see that. Common friends have pointed it out, at least the ones who know the cause behind it. One did last night, as I was sobering up. Our friend said that we're sickeningly cute and he's envious of the love we share. My friends see it; the best friend greatly approves of Sir. After helping the monster and I while she was away, pretty sure Sir has made her Top 10 list. Our lives are better for having met and known each other; that's something special in and of itself.

Honestly, we have no idea what we're going to do next. He's been telling me about career plans, the very limited frame of time He has to implement the next step in His plan. He has very long term, lofty goals. While I could live very humbly and happily, I support His goals 110% because they are important to Him. Depending on how things go, He could move elsewhere at any point. It'll depend on who offers the best job and what He wants out of life.

I'm not as mobile as He is to pack everything and go. I own my own place. Paint is just starting to get up on the walls. I have plans for this house. It's a gorgeous place, simply needs a bit of work to get it there. His focus is without, mine is within. Not to mention I have some unfinished business in my home state and I can't be too far away before that gets settled. Crossing fingers that'll happen this year. If that's the case, I'll have more options as well.

With so many unknowns, we can have all the wishes and desires we want. But making them a reality is much more difficult. I'm sure as hell not going anywhere even if He moves half way across the world. He's stuck with me, if that much hasn't been made clear. What that means however is unclear. He said to me on Saturday morning that He can't make plans for two, when He's still trying to figure out plans for one.

We have no idea where this relationship will lead us anymore than you all do. Or if our love can survive all the unknowns. One thing is clear, He is worth it. I have no regrets. I'm better for having known Him, for having loved Him, for being loved by Him.

For now, we're doing good together. We're happy and there's hope in our hearts. One day we'll have decisions to make. Until then, all we can do is enjoy every minute we have together.

Unraveling The Story

The story yesterday is a true one, about the only honest intimate relationship I had. That is before I met Sir. Furthermore, it was the only time in my life where I functioned without depression. There were painful times still. Those are but a handful of issues that I've ever dealt with rationally and reasonably.

I was happy, healing. I was able to express myself and not live behind masks. I had legitimate friendships with people who actively chose to be in my life. I had hope for my life and the future. I was in an amazing, incredible relationship. We were crazy about each other. So deeply in love, with a naturally formed BDSM relationship. He sang me to sleep with a lullaby every night. I was content being monogamous. I never wanted anything but to spend our lives together.

And when He began putting up walls, retreating, I didn't know what to do. So I kept on loving him, remaining loyal. I did all I could to bring him back to me, even asking for his best friend for help. This was the man I gave everything to; I kept no secrets from him. I couldn't fathom life without him.

I never cared about the other girl. I wasn't mad or jealous. I simply wanted to continue on, rebuild. He didn't know what he wanted and it ended very badly. My heart was crushed and broken. Yet still, I loved him completely and selflessly. I would have forgiven him of anything at that time. A love so strong that he completed my heart, mind and soul. It was pure and very real.

He threw it all away, but even that's not fair. I played my role in our end as well. And remaining friends? Watching him move on? It broke me little by little. I loved him even then. I would have given him anything he asked for. I loved him even as he crushed me completely and walked away from our friendship.

I swore I would never do it again. I would never love again. I would never expose myself so completely. I couldn't imagine finding someone as amazing, especially not someone better. Though I dated others after that, I doomed them all before they began. I hurt myself by not being selective, by falling into relationships without thinking about who the person was, let alone the future.

I may have loved some of them, but never was I in love. I may have tried to convince them and myself in the moment, but the lie of it all was obvious. No one can be in love without knowing and being known by the other person. And I didn't want that. I cursed myself to remain in a living hell for years. I was trying to fill a void of emptiness, one I'd always sought to fill. I was doing so with the worst people imaginable. They were false relationships filled with darkness.

It was only once I began to deal with the pain of losing the man I loved did I begin to see the path I was on. It took another year for the haze to fully fade. And then I began to form lasting, honest friendships again. I welcomed people into my life. I admitted to the BF that I still cared for him. Six months later we were back together, better than ever.

About two months after that, I met Sir. I was intrigued like I hadn't been in years. I did what I swore I would never do again. I let down the walls. I was honest, even when I didn't want to be. I was more cautious but my heart knew what it wanted, long before my mind caught up.

It wasn't until this last week though that I really understood what the choices I had made had done to my life. When I thought Sir was bored and going to leave, I realized the truth. I was angry, which is why my post about His detachment was so bitter. It wasn't at Him though. It was at myself. I hated myself in that moment. That I had set myself up yet again. Fallen so deeply in love that His distance was tearing me apart from the inside out.

I never meant to fall in love with Him. I've said it before. I never explained the why behind that until now. I didn't want this vulnerability. I didn't want the possibility of being crushed and destroyed again. It hurt when others left, sometimes tearing themselves quickly from my life, and I wasn't in love. I couldn't let someone be the ultimate weapon against me.

But it's never quite that simple, is it? Because this love with such power to destroy me has also helped to set me free. It exists because some part of me did want this, was open to it. I was living once more in the light, or trying to. And I met an incredible man. Even though He could hurt me, I've always known He's worth it. That I'm worth being known, being vulnerable.

The benefits outweigh the risks. And so, I've been fumbling with all this. I said recently that it's like falling in love for the first time all over again. Because it's true. So I rush and I want it all at once. I think too far ahead, but I do know that patience and taking our time is the right course of action.

It's been difficult for me not to rush this. Maybe I'm trying to make up for lost years. Maybe I've been missing the deep connection of being in love that I am a tad too eager at times. It comes from a good place, at least. And I'm not that same young woman either. I've learned from the years of bad relationships to pace myself. Be sure that the decisions I'm making are the right ones, for the right reasons.

My heart no longer aches. The pain of the past has been easier to handle and process. Being in love has been good to me. And I learned that if Sir isn't the one I'll end up with long term, I won't hide my heart away again. I will heal in time.

Now you know why I thought He was going to leave me for someone else. Why I mourned what existed and was convinced would end. He called me out on it, a few months ago. It's only now that I fully understand where it was coming from. How to best manage it...give Him the benefit of the doubt. Trust Him. Be reasonable, patient, and honest.

Continue loving Him even though the future is uncertain. Enjoy what I do have which I've been getting better at over the last few months. I do have long term desires for us, but over years if/when things are right. Thinking about them now doesn't call for immediate action. I'm not that blinded by love. But sometimes I don't think as clearly as I'd like and want things before they're possible. In many ways, I'm new to being in love. I don't know always what I'm doing and I do get it wrong more often than not.

When we were in bed Saturday morning, I was in His arms laying on the bed. I was crying still when I asked, "I fell too much in love with you, didn't I?" He was legitimately confused by that. It wasn't a question directed at Him but to myself. Even though this is the best thing that's ever happened to me...and believe me it is. What Sir and I share is 100 times better than the best moments with that man I loved years ago...I still wonder if I'm making a mistake by making myself so vulnerable.

I don't have the answers beyond that being with Sir makes me blissfully happy. My life is better with Him. Beyond the fears and the doubts, I want to spend my life with this man. Wherever it may take us, both in distance and the journey of life. I know He has no idea how to react to that. And my answer is:

You're willing to wait for me with everything that is going on in my life. I will wait for you, for as long as you need me to wait. Now you have a better understanding of just how loyal and devoted I truly am.

I love you more than words could ever say. I've loved you more than any other before. More than the only other man I've been in love with, by leaps and miles. It scares me too, in so many ways. Yet you've taught me that love and living are intertwined. No longer do I crave darkness but the light that is you. 

A Story Of The Past

The following is a story

from what seems like a lifetime ago.

There once was a handsome young man with big ideas and a bigger heart. Through common friends he met a young woman unlike any other. For months their friendship grew. Then one day, everything changed. Their eyes locked and hands that always kept a respectable distance met. From that moment, she knew and he knew the truth; they had fallen for each other.

Yet it was still months later when they could deny themselves no longer. They fell in love hard and fast. He adored her, with her wild nature and "do as I will" attitude. She saw his innocence and was given hope that the world wasn't as bad as she always assumed.

He found the strength to be all that was possible. She found the path to living in peace and happiness. For the next year, they found absolute joy together. They gave each other all that they had. He opened her mind to kink and BDSM, and she walked eagerly down that path with him. Together they explored all that flesh had to offer, with many thrills along the way. It was a power exchange based on and fueled by mutual love and devotion.

Their families met and became involved with one another. He brought her to Christmas dinner. His younger sister adored her, was the happiest for them. They talked about the future and their own family one day. Four or five children running amok. The first boy would share his name. The first girl would be named after her mother. They made plans for years into the future.

It was spring time when she noticed the difference in him. He was distant, reserved, less involved in their relationship. As spring turned to summer, the distance was vast. She barely saw him anymore; she no longer felt like his priority. Still she loved him with all her heart. She believed they would always find their way together.

Until July when he dropped a bombshell on her. He was intrigued by someone else, an old friend where the friendship was rekindled. He thought they should "take a break". Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Except he had been distant, didn't he see that? She loved him all the same, was devoted to him and their relationship. Wounded, she hurt him back without thinking about the consequences. That if he was done, they should simply end it completely. He cried out that this path wasn't what he wanted, but she no longer believed him.

They didn't talk for a month until they ran into each other one day. For the next few weeks, they had long conversations about themselves and the relationship they left unfinished. She pretended she had moved on and he did the same. He met a woman, a common friend. They were good together, and the common friend was kind to her continuing heart ache. The love was still so clear, so obvious on both sides.

The next summer, they met for lunch one day and to see a movie. Instead, they talked for hours. Neither had found happiness elsewhere. He still loved and wanted her. She would have given him everything. Yet they weren't the same people anymore. The sudden loss of love and joy had warped them both. And so, they remained only friends.

Until he grew distant once more, and broke her heart completely when he permanently walked out of her life. It shattered the last of her hope, the last of her dreams. She no longer wanted to be in love, for what she knew and clung to no longer existed. She couldn't try again, only to be hurt. So she wrapped herself up in her pain and hid from the world.

For years, her lovers never knew her. She had built too many walls, constructed too many masks. She spent too many years in doomed relationships, stumbling from one to the next. Terrible relationships that nearly destroyed her in different ways. Not caring about the path she walked. That was until she finally got over him. She realized that his withdraw wasn't her fault. She was only hurting herself by denying another chance at honest and real love. It took another year for her to resemble the person she used to be.

Suddenly she looked around at her life. She had great friends, a loyal boyfriend, a not-so-right Dom that needed to be dealt with, and there was this new man. One who caught her interest from the first day. She faced a crossroad. Would she retreat yet again, or would she chance getting hurt by seeing where these feelings would lead? Could she be honest and keep no secrets?

Even though she told herself that she shouldn't, the man overshadowed the relationships in her life. Those honest feelings reemerged. She fought it, struggling against what felt too right. In time she stopped resisting and let things occur as they would. She let herself fall in love and be loved in return. Once more, she knew happiness and joy.

This is a story without a true ending

because we're in the middle of it.

The continuation is every entry of this blog.

Asking For Help

I came home Saturday evening. Exhausted, worn out, glad to be back. Things didn't quite go as planned on the last day.

I was giving the monster a bath on Friday afternoon. When I carried him into the master bedroom to dry him off, my right ankle gave out on me. I could barely put my weight on it, let alone be able to carry the monster down and up the stairs.

I sent Sir a text, freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. He offered His assistance, but made me expressly ask for help. I did notice that, heh. He was a god send. Excellent with the monster and was exactly what I needed.

Not only did He help with the monster, He took excellent care of me. I asked that He stay the night. If something happened in the night, I didn't want to be alone and injured. I also didn't know how I'd be the next morning. It was a good call on my part. Especially since I had bashed the back of my head against cabinets a few hours earlier. Apparently I didn't make that clear until the next morning. I did say that I only bumped my head so the error was on my end. Sir was "incredulous" that I don't take better care of myself. It was no wonder I was overheating and feverish.

I received a lecture for that. Sir made it known that I overdo and wear myself out. That it wasn't acceptable.  I couldn't help anyone if I always gave too much of myself. Before He left Saturday morning, He asked for all that needed to be done. He did everything necessary, telling me I wasn't to do anything else. My job was to take care of myself and rest. I tried to verbally resist. He countered by making the line very clear.

It had two interesting effects. My "little" made an appearance. I typically keep that far from Him, but head injuries have this habit of lowering my walls and defenses. He handled it well though. And I did explain what happened so He wouldn't think I had lost my mind, heh. It was only one aspect of my personality that came through in our time together. Sometimes I should learn to keep my mouth shut. Avoiding head injuries would help that. The other effect was that I did take care of myself. I have been ever since. I knew He was right. Plus, He gave me an explicit line not to cross so I haven't done so.

Friday night and Saturday morning were not all business though. Once the monster was in bed, Sir and I enjoyed time together. He ordered in for us, yummy Chinese food. Then we watched a silly, fun movie called "Galaxy Quest." We crashed for the evening after that. Both of us were exhausted, more than ready to sleep.

The next morning, after taking care of the pups and the monster, we crawled back into bed until a little after 10 am, sleeping on and off. Yes, we did have some fun for ourselves. But mainly we cuddled and talked. About chakras, energy play, energy blockages that block natural flow. I talked and cried. He did His best to help heal some old wounds.

We talked about us. Things unsaid, the uncertain future, how even if romance wasn't in our future that he'd always be in my life. I said I didn't think I could handle that. He disagreed saying that if it happened, we'd both be prepared for it. This prompted a story. It'll be up tomorrow for you to read. Because He only became part of my life fairly recently, there's a lot He doesn't know. There's a lot that I'm just now realizing and figuring out. I'll have a post ready for after the story to provide explanation and insight.

We spoke of other, private topics. Of conversations that need to happen, but not yet. I think parts were lost in translation. Maybe the story and following explanation will help clarify matters.

Since Wednesday though, we've been doing really good. We've resumed connecting. I felt comfortable to turn to Him again. I did so without hesitation on Friday. If I've learned anything, and if this is meant to work out in the end, we're the kind of people who will find a way.

Love Letter

Do you know why I love Him?

He promised He would never let me go gently into the dark. Not any other time in my life have I managed the depression so well. There have been dark days. I've not hid them from you. He is a light that shines through the haze of pain and suffering. He is the balm that heals both old and new wounds.

I have never felt more beautiful than I do when He looks at me. He can't look away; He's enraptured. He opens His heart to me...opens His soul...when we make make love. And oh there is such a difference. Those moments where our eyes meet as our bodies are joined, baring forth all that we are. The beauty that exists in each of our spirits; the wonder and awe when they meet.

In His arms I find safety, acceptance, warmth, care...even love. I don't know if He's admitted it to Himself yet. I knew on Wednesday. I had hoped, prayed, craved for the truth of it. He's shown love for a longer time, but it was different. I saw a man in love. One willing to stake His claim verbally, physically, emotionally. When I implore Him not to leave, needing to hear the words, He tells me only in death. He calls me His, owned.

I love Him for His mind, passion, creativity, twisted sense of humor. Oh, I understand His humor well, enough to know when He's joking and bypass the joke all together. Enough to let it wash over me to bring out a smile and laughter. He eases the pain and tension with humor. It's part of the light that shines through.

He owns His actions, words, and even His mistakes. I see the flaws and weaknesses that make Him human and I love Him all the more for it. I can be His strength when His fails. We've been teaching each other how to live again. The more we're together, the more we connect, the more alive I feel. It's okay that I'm not perfect or healed completely because He accepts me, cherishes me, for all that I am.

It's this kind of love that allows moments like Wednesday to be a step forward, together. He soothed the pain and healed the wounds. I don't hold that or anything else from our past against Him. All I want is to love Him for the rest of my life, make His life happier, and never lose this joy that has found its way into my heart.

Kids

Want to know something funny? Vibrations help break up chest congestion. How was this discovered? Sir playing with a cute new vibrator and running it over various parts of my body. One downside, I can't breathe very well while that's going on.

Yep, still sick. Still monster sitting. It's been a long week. I told Sir that I'm not ready for this full time. Maybe in a year or two. Not that there's anyone I would be having a child with at the moment with anyway. Actually since I've been watching the monster, I've had several conversations about having kids one day. The BF and I don't have that kind of relationship. It's something we both know.

As for Sir, we talk about it more generally. Like if either of us has kids one day, feel bad for them, hahaha. I'm no nonsense with children's behaviors and attitudes. And Sir is...well, He's who He is. They will behave and act appropriately.

Those have been strange conversations though. I've talked about kids in the past with partners. Or lack thereof, as well. When my depression settles too deeply, the idea of having kids is not a pleasant one. And given certain social obligations, I debated if I wanted to give those up for children. But like I told Sir, I was meant to be a mom.

The oddness of the conversations came from the contrast of mono vs poly dating. In prior monogamous relationships, talk about having kids was very much a "one day for us", part of the expansion of the relationship outlook. A couple of the relationships were serious enough that we talked about possible names. As for poly relationships, the topic of kids has been completely different. It's been more vague and individualized.

Something I've not mentioned, and is often a source of debate within the poly community, is that I plan on having kids with only one partner. I don't even think Sir knows I feel that way. I could list off why I made that choice but it doesn't really matter beyond that it's the one I made. Even if I share my home and my life with more than one male partner (which with the way things are going, I can't see happening anyway), that choice still stands. Poly is not equal, no matter what anyone tries to claim. There's also absolutely nothing wrong with that.

If Sir is the partner I'll one day have kids with...it's a huge if even though He has no intention of letting me go for the foreseeable future...if that is the case, I almost feel bad for Him. Because I'm like most women and I have names I like for children. I've had some of these names for almost a decade now. Good luck changing my mind, lol.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

I have to give Him credit. He noticed that I didn't send the daily report nor did I say good morning to Him. Heh, as He said, "When you're not speaking to me, alarm bells go off."

He sent me a "good morning" text. Didn't realize what was wrong as He hadn't read my blog yet. I told Him that I wasn't doing well. Spent a few hours crying last night. And by crying, I mean sobbing my eyes out to the point that the pups were constantly by my side trying to make me feel better. I barely slept. I had horrid dreams where I was raped and almost died. I did not want to get out of bed this morning; I didn't want to face the world.

See, a guy I used to be with--a Dom--he up and left me after months of time, effort, and energy we put into each other and into "us". I wrote to him, all my concerns, and I was much nicer about it than last night too. He walked away from me and occasionally since has been an annoying little thorn in my side.

I had convinced myself that Sir was going to leave. That He was bored with me. He must be. He was going to be so angry, hate what I wrote, and leave. I went to some very dark places last night. Depression is one hell of a bitch.

Turns out Sir took a personal day today for job hunting related reasons. He was done with those around noon. He wanted to see me. The monster had to be down for his nap so I had Sir come here to talk. Instead of being angry like I expected, He told me that what I wrote was true. I'd become so part of His life that He took me for granted. He was so sorry that He had caused me pain and that He'd been neglecting me.

We bonded over a discussion about religion and...well...sex. He brought over some new toys. Yum! The one dildo He left in me the whole time we talked. Then we went upstairs to enjoy some private time with one another. Apparently playing with me and making me constantly cum turns Him on. :-D

We were standing in the kitchen, after we had our fun. I started crying, all those emotions from last night welling up. I asked outright if He was bored with me. Not at all, He's actually surprised I'm not bored with Him and how vanilla He is. (which is such BS as He's not vanilla) How could I ever be bored with the man who has helped me start living again?? Frustrated every now and then, sure. Never bored.

I didn't want Him to leave. He didn't want to leave either. Even if He didn't spend the night, I wanted more time together. Unfortunately He had other commitments tonight. I truly understand. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays are busy. I've known this for months. But we need to find a balance. A way to spend time together. He even said that I was there first, I'm the priority. I'm going to hold Him to that.

And I will do my best to let it never get to this point again. It was several months culmination of issues that I saw as minor. Yet staying in touch, making time for us IS important. I reached a breaking point last night and it did neither of us any good, all the keeping things to myself.

We'll try harder. That's all there is to it. Because even though He's a little oblivious at times, He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. We'll get it right one of these days.