Happy New Year

Holidays seasons, ugh! I love the holidays but it can be exhausting. I spent 6 hours driving in less than a 36 hour time span. I'm worn out! Hope y'all had a great holiday season. :-)

I spent some time with Sir this past Sunday. We were both dead so we stayed in at His place watching more episodes of Chuck, finally getting through season one. There was a bit of fun too. Such as sucking His cock while we were making some lunch. Always a good time, lol. Honestly? It was good just to spend time together. I missed us having time together. Hopefully the new year will give us both some time to connect more often.

I'm going to be back in the car as of Saturday. I'm going to spend some time with Chris. It's about a 2-1/2 to 3 hour drive. I recently bought a newer car, just after Christmas. My old one was nearly as old as I am, lol. The new one drives like a beauty and gets twice the gas mileage. So the drive shouldn't be too bad, all things considering. I'll be with Chris for a little over a week. We'll be spending time with some friends too. After over 6 months apart, it'll be good to see him. Thankfully cell phones and Skype makes the distance and time apart feel less drastic.

Lisa wants some time with me not too long after I return from being with Chris. Her hubby has to leave town for work so she wants some girl time together. I'm sure as heck not going to pass up on that opportunity! Her hubby bought her a fucking machine for Christmas. We will have fun with that, for sure!

Not a heck of a lot is going on, besides spending time with people. Though Sir was teasing me about when I might have another party in the near future. There's something that'll be worth celebrating, especially for us. So we'll see. I'd like to get through January first and then see about celebrating some major life changes, lol.

Hope everyone has a Happy New Year filled with lots of joy and blessings!!

Holiday Blessings

A splash of new, a touch of old

May the new year be what you mold

Brightest blessings to all

Fulfilled wishes, small and tall

Merry Christmas &

Blessed Yule

Aurai

There once were spirits that lingered in and of the elements of Earth. They kept the balance between earth, fire, water, and air. The youngest was a daughter of air. She had not the power of her sisters, who were hurricanes, tornadoes, and cyclones. No, she was the the barest of breezes that warmed in summer days, played amongst the snowflakes in winter, ushered in the first breath of spring, and felled the last leaf in autumn.

The young air spirit roamed the world searching for something to connect with, as she had always felt disconnected from the world she was charged to help keep in harmony. What she searched for, she did not know. Yet she continued her travels to the farthest reaches of the world. When she had seen all she could see, she fell into despair. She felt nothing had changed because of her. Hairs she could gently brush against for a moment, the flowers that would sway as she passed by, these were fleeting.

She was so caught up in her belief that she couldn't cause major changes to the world around her that she missed the effects she had as she passed throughout the world. When her breeze swept through the hairs of humans, she brought smiles to their lips. She reminded them of the gentleness of the world, often when they needed it most. When she swayed the flowers in fields, young children and animals would stop to watch in pure delight.

With a tiny spark of hope left in her, she turned to the oldest of spirits for guidance, the mother of all things bound to the soil. The little air spirit tentatively ventured down into the home the earth mother had made in the rich soil far away from the prying eyes of the world. The older spirit welcomed her warmly, "Hello little breeze. What can I do for you?"

"Well mother, I'm lost. All my sisters can do wondrous things that can impact the world. Our brethren of earth, water, and fire spirits helped create and sustain this beautiful world. They all have a purpose. I fear that I'm a mistake, that there is nothing I can do that can have as great an impact as they." She huffed and sobbed without tears, stirring up the dirt floor of the earth mother's home.

The earth mother looked her over for a moment, "You truly think you don't have a purpose? Come, let me show you." She held out her hand to the air spirit, who took it earnestly yet with misgivings in her heart. The air spirit knew better than to disregard earth mother, so they journeyed back up to the surface. They were in a small park with children playing with their parents and pets. "Go child and walk among them. Watch."

And so the breeze spirit began to walk and wander among the living creatures of the earth. At first she saw no difference, until a little girl stood next to her smiling. While the little girl couldn't see the spirit, she felt the warm breeze. The child smiled with pure joy and swung about before running back to her mother. The spirit watched the girl, understanding beginning to take root. She moved to the dogs running through the park. She traveled with them, laughing as she watched them breathe in deeply the smells of summer that floated along her trail.

After spending the afternoon playing with the living creatures, she returned to earth mother who had waited for her, watching the young spirit's heart fill with joy. "I see you understand now," said the older spirit. "Our brethren can do many wonderful and amazing things. We keep their world alive. We flow through their bodies, keeping them strong. But you, little spirit, you have something that none of us have. You can touch their hearts, bring joy to their lives. That is your purpose."

Renewed, the breeze spirit thanked earth mother for all her help. She ran off to all parts of the world, bringing happiness and peace wherever she went. For it is in the gentlest of breezes that hope, wonder, and peace is brought to the world.

Friday the 13th and a Kissing Ball

I love Friday the 13th. It's always an interesting day. Though the argument can be made that I notice the unusual more because I'm waiting for, compared to just any other day...but we're going to ignore that in lieu of saying how awesome Friday the 13th truly is!!

It's been a rough week already so today better be awesome. I need a good day. Y'all are somewhat aware of the crazy shit that goes on in my head. That's kind of the norm for me, so much that I barely blink at it anymore. This past week? Pretty sure I was going insane. Everyone swears I wasn't, but would they really tell me if I was? Regardless I seem to have leveled out. Thank god!

So, I've been incredibly domestic this week. All the cleaning, ugh! I'm hosting a party on Sunday for the holidays. Should be fun! And Sir will be there. Yay!!! We're not going to mention that I haven't seen Him in two months...

The downstairs of my house looks like Christmas and glitter exploded everywhere. I've been busy decorating too and I'm not quite done yet, lol. I was telling Sir about the kissing ball I bought because I checked every single store in my area and no one had any. I was looking for the plastic or fabric kind that I could use every year. Nope, not a damn one to be found. Most stores never got a shipment for it in the first place. Is mistletoe going out of style??? As a kinky person, that makes me terribly sad.

Anyway, I was telling Sir about the kissing ball. Of course He had no clue what I was talking about. When I tried to explain it at first, I did a terrible job. Then I thought He might be mad at me (I know, I never claim to be rational. I don't know why people keep expecting it out of me.). Finally I explained it better and sent a picture to go along with it.

That's what mine actually looks like. Bought it at Pier One because they were the only ones who even had a kissing ball. Either way, it'll induce lots of kissing and I'm more than okay with that. :-D

Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's to bake gluten-free cookies. So between all the cleaning left to do, laundry, cooking baking, and then the party Sunday, I'm going to need a few days of quiet and nothingness to recover! Hee hee! :-P

Anything

I was thinking back to a play party from the spring time the other morning. Overall it was a very fun day, and there are plenty of fond memories. One came to mind though, which I've been mulling over ever since. All I remember is that I wanted something, from that party. I'm not sure what I asked or possibly begged for. I was a touch out of it at the time. I do remember someone asking me what I'd do to get whatever it is that I wanted. I replied, "Anything." The three of them smirked and taunted me at my answer. Who were those people? Sir, Kevin, and Rebecca. Frickin sadists, lol!!

Remembering that little incident, I got to thinking about where I draw personal lines and what that answer of "anything" means to me. If it's not obvious, I trust all three of them not to intentionally harm me, and if something should accidentally happen, help put me back together. Sir has a deeper trust level overall in my day to day life, but as far as play goes, we've talked enough that expectations are set. I also know that I wouldn't have uttered my "anything" answer if Sir hadn't been present at the time. That is reserved for my D/s relationships.

Past Doms, and even Sir to some extent, haven't liked the "anything" answer in reply to what I'd be willing to do. Now you'd think it would inflate their egos, but Doms tend to like specifics. It's very hard to be creative and interesting when one's mind is half floating away in pleasure. That should be noted and taken into consideration. That's all I'm saying about that, lol. However, I understand the perspective of the Dom in that situation.

Contrary to what that "anything" might seem to suggest, it's not an all encompassing word that delves into insane or harmful situations. By the point I'd say that as a response, negotiations and trust have been established. Limits have been discussed. I know Sir isn't about to do something batshit crazy when we play, no matter what I say. So I don't have to say "I'd do anything but x, y, and z" because x, y, and z have already been established.

I've seen this argument for full time slavery thrown about. If a sub doesn't trust their dom not to break limits or stay within consensual realms of interactions, then it's not BDSM or kink, it's abuse. The whole "You'd let your Dom/Master break your arm if he asked?? Because you said 'anything' goes" is just fucking stupid. We play in consent. The endless what-ifs are bullshit and unnecessary.

So it goes for my "anything". In those moments where Sir would ask what I'd give? There is no limit or tit for tat. I'd give Him anything He'd ask for because it's what I want. It's what I signed up for, heh. He would only have to ask, and it's His. There's no "well, today I'm willing to do this." That's not how I function, it's not what relationships are for me. Forget the whole kink aspects, and that's still how I am.

That's what love looks like, right? Love is putting someone else above your own needs, wants, and desires. Love is about focusing on the other person instead of yourself. Why would a power exchange relationship that is clearly supposed to enhance those feelings, why would it be any different? It's not, that's why.

I'd give Sir whatever He desires because I wouldn't ever hold back on Him. So that little word of "anything" is far more powerful and meaningful than I could ever express. I know it's been seen as a flippant answer in the past, but it's one I won't give unless I truly mean it.

Forgiveness?

Time has been getting away from me lately. I didn't mean to step away from blogging as long as I did. Things have been busy with getting ready for the holidays as well as being social. I've been spending a lot of time reading too. I've gone through nearly two dozen books in the past month or so. I still managed to knit a matching scarf and hat. My first project, the scarf, took forever but the hat only took two days. I'm happy with how all of that is coming along.

I've also been preparing for a holiday party I'm hosting next Sunday. Decorating, far too much cleaning, the usual when it comes to parties. I even went black friday shopping for the first time ever. Granted, the "mall" by me wasn't even as busy as a normal mall anywhere else on a typical Saturday and I didn't bother to go shopping until 10 am. Three o'clock in the god damn morning holds no appeal to me unless it involves sleep or sex.

There have been some good days, not as many as I'd like but I think I'm getting back there. Certain vanilla hold-ups have been progressing nicely, finally. Therapy is doing more good than I could have ever imagined. I told Sir that I was going to focus on me. He's always said I give too much of myself to help and make others happy. I didn't truly see what He meant until the week of Thanksgiving. I made a choice, one that was right for me, even if it upset a friend of mine. In the past, I would have sucked it up. I would have gone and been uncomfortably nice to someone who made my skin crawl...all to make the host of the party, my friend, happy. But this time? I made the decision that was right by me and didn't attend.

I think I understand now, what Sir meant. I give more than other people deserve. I compromise myself and my happiness to do it.

"Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past."  

Sir quoted me that a few days ago. I understood the message but disagreed with the word choice. I still disagree but the more I think on it, the better I understand the intent. Do I wish I could change the past? Of course, but I accept that I can't.

It's actually funny because Sir and I talk about hope quite regularly. I say I gave up on hope. He says hope makes a difference in how the future will unwind. Hope changes us. I can't give up hope on the past, but not because of what I'd like to change. I can't let go of the past being this black and white picture of facts. The past is there, not here. What lingers are the emotions, the memories, who I've been and become.

My past is filled with pain and heart ache and trauma. If I give up hope, those are what remain. Hope is that the past won't torture me one day. Hope is that I can shape those terrible moments into a stronger and better me. Forgiveness is not to change the facts, but to change the effects.

If I can forgive myself for hurting a friend in order to protect myself, then maybe I can forgive more of my past. Maybe, heh  :)

Surprises

Sometimes we hold onto the past, cling to it like it's the air we need to breathe. And by "we", I mean I do that. I know I can't be the only one though. At times, it's to salvage whatever is lingering from the past. Others, the loss is staggering and inescapable. Or feeling the comfort of knowing that only the past can bring, even if there is pain. How it all turns out is known, but it eats away at hope, at sanity.

I met friends of Lisa's today. A cute couple that I immediately liked, even if the trip was somewhat long and exhausting. We talked about current public schools compared to when we were children. How it seems they've forgotten or given up on teaching kids. We talked about history and cultural differences when it comes to faith and marriage. It was fantastic connecting with people with whom conversation was that easy. Intelligent people who wanted to have conversations of value...where has that been in my life lately?

I love my kinky friends, but that substance is missing most of the time. Definitely need to fix that.

It's been hard for me to stay in the present. I think that maybe it's always been this way. I never noticed it until Sir pointed it out. Today was a wake up call to being here and not locked away in the memories. You'd think it would be any number of other things and people in my life. But the surprise of meeting refreshingly honest and friendly people touched me deeper than anything else ever could.

I used to do that all the time. It drove my parents insane when I was younger. Adults always want their adult time with adult conversations, far away from the kids. I was the type who'd engage those my own age into intriguing conversations and, the adults overhearing our conversation, would join in. It's really my mother's own fault given that we watched the news and talked politics over dinner every night.

That continued as I grew into adulthood, but somewhere I got lost. I wrapped up on myself and hid from the world. If I had to take a guess, I'd say the Ex had a lot to do with that. The Ex was a terrible and destructive presence to my life. Since then I've tried to pull myself back out of my self-imposed imprisonment. Today though, something was found.

There's the inner strength to do what needs to be done, and to do what makes me happy. Today, I don't feel broken for the first time in years.

In a Rut

I'm in one of those ruts where I don't know what to write about. I haven't written in a while, so it's easy to not write. Then it feels like so much has happened and yet nothing at all important. I don't know where this year has gone. Though I've been saying it all year, it seems like it never slowed down enough for me to catch up to the present.

There's been heart aching depression with startling moments of clarity, only for the depression to surge back in. Riding that storm is a bit like a crazy roller coaster that you're not sure is ever going to end.

Isn't this supposed to be a kink blog? Or a relationship blog? Maybe both?

Sorry, I've got none of that for y'all. I haven't seen Sir in a month. Chris is maybe talking about getting together in January. I do see Lisa fairly regularly, but her and her hubby haven't been doing well lately. So, it's not like we've been having any fun I can talk about. Besides Lisa getting me addicted to the Wii. There's something wrong with that, after years of not liking any video games. Though I'm sure most "gaming people" wouldn't put the Wii in the same category.

The next month is going to be insanely busy. I'm looking forward to it all, don't get me wrong. But in some ways, I don't want any of it. I'll go out and be social though because it's good for me. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Maybe with the craziness of the next month I'll have something interesting to tell y'all about. Maybe I'll actually want to talk again.

Changing The Voices

"You're so mean when you talk about yourself.

You were wrong.

Change the voices in your head.

Make them like you instead."

This song has been stuck in my head, specifically those lyrics. Trying to hold onto them, as if keeping them close will keep out the demons.

I was good yesterday. Not so much today. I had a horrible dream. This woman we know...I like her but I don't trust her...she was there. She was holding a kitchen knife at one point, as she had been cutting something up. Then I noticed a change. Her behavior, body language became threatening. I managed to disarm her but she got a small cut on her hand. A little bit later in the dream, Sir confronted me. He said that He had asked her to keep an eye on me, make sure I wasn't violent. That the cut on her hand proved I was after I had "attacked" her. I tried to tell my side, so confused why He'd even think I was violent at all, but He wouldn't hear it.

My alarm went off this morning. It took me another two hours to get out of bed. I didn't want to move or think or do anything. So much for my good mood. There's a heaviness in me today. I'm so confused why I'd even have a dream like that. I know she's slightly crazy and that He'd never do anything like that.

It's why I've been thinking about the song above. How do you change your own mind to like you? Because I'm trying, I really am. Even after what looked like a few steps in the right direction, it's my mind dragging me back down. I don't know what to do with that.

The woman from my dream reminds me of a cousin of mine. She's only a year younger, one of my mom's sister's kids. They're cut from similar molds. There's even some physical resemblance too. I haven't seen my cousin in 10 years. I didn't realize there were long buried issues there but I guess...I guess there are. It would explain why, at times, I very much dislike this woman from our social circle. She deserves the lack of trust for her own actions. It's well known not to tell this woman anything unless you want everyone under the sun to know.

It all makes me think of a conversation Sir and I had over the weekend. Was it so bad when memories were buried? It feels worse than ever. The therapist warned me it would all come back. I knew the major events. Those I couldn't forget. But this crap? I left those parts of my life behind a decade ago. Let them be. Let me have my dreams back. I've always had odd dreams, but not like the past month. I've never wanted to avoid sleeping before; I do now.

I don't know if therapy is helping or making everything ten times worse. I don't know if being open, honest, vulnerable is doing more harm than good. I simply want some peace in my life. This doesn't feel like the way to get it. I never trusted therapy. I gave it a chance because of Sir. This is making a strong case for why I was right. I think it's opening up wounds better left closed and it's obviously not good for me.

Lost

It's been a long several weeks. My head is all out of sorts. Sir has become my rock over the last year but even He hasn't been able to get through too much. Eventually my mind will remember that He's my light, hopefully sooner rather than later. Yep, the depression is back and deeply set in.  *sighs*

The last time we were together, it didn't really go well either. He was distracted and it came off badly. We've since sorted it out but it's settled under my skin. It's become something else my mind can use against me. Not to mention that I've been flashing back and triggering again. This weekend just sucked. Between that and barely sleeping 5 hours every night, and taking care of a toddler, I would just really like to forget it all.

There's absolutely no kink going on. Not on Fetlife or groups or friends or Sir and I. Just completely devoid of kink. Devoid of sex. Though after this weekend, I don't think I even want to get off for a while.

I wish I had things to talk about, I really do. It's just so fucked up in my head that I can't even write informative posts. I have no interest in any of it. Curl up for a few weeks and see if the world looks a little brighter. I highly doubt it but maybe. Sir would say I need to be positive, that it would help. I'm simply not there.

So I'm sorry I don't have better things for y'all to read. I haven't even been keeping up with y'alls blogs either. I can't read about all the kink right now. It makes me sad, and believe me I don't need more of that. Maybe it'll be alright in time. Until then, I'll be lurking around now and then.

The Power of "No"

I've been thinking quite a bit about the word "No". For a long time, I rarely voiced that "No" even when it was appropriate. It was so deeply conditioned, by the vanilla and later the kink world, that I wouldn't even think about saying "No" until later, after the moment.

It's a difficult thing to explain. At my core, I try very hard to please people. There's the natural aspect where it makes me happy. The developed portion comes from fear. I learned from an early age to be and do what people wanted, or else I'd get yelled at and beat. Add in verbal humiliation from various extended family members over the years, and it's a wonder that I manage as well as I do.

Over the years, it did become easier. I was able to hide more and was no longer as fearful of making my own decisions. But I would do anything for a significant other and my friends. I made major life choices in the past because I wanted to make a significant other happy. Whether I was happy or not was insignificant at the time of the decision. This was before I even became involved with BDSM.

I'll leave it your imaginations as to how badly that went for my well being. I always have a breaking point though, when I'm torn between being pleasing and voicing what's right for me. At the moment of the break, I want both and they're always incompatible. But heck, I'm easy to train and it sticks. There is still left over programming in my mind from past relationships. A breaking point may occur several times before I'm finally done. Eventually self-preservation wins out. The desire for happiness wins out.

Friendships are surprisingly more difficult for me to say "No" than in relationships. Likely because in relationships I don't really ever say "No" until things are irreparable, heh. But with friendships, I know there is a line. Most times I have no idea what that line is. I want to make my friends happy. If it involves something that will be enjoyable to both or all parties, I struggle with keeping a defined boundary. I may not even want whatever is being offered, but in order to be pleasing, I go along with it. At any other time, it's something I'd want. So I rationalize away that it's not a big deal and to simply go along with it.

I think Sir may have an idea this is the case, but likely not the depths in which it exists. It's a complex system in my head. My happiness and peace of mind is far lower on the priority list than anyone would guess. It's gotten a lot better over the last year, with Sir's help. Hell, even why I ask for permission is multi-purposed. I don't think He's ever required it of me, not after all this time.

Part is truly out of respect. I don't want to do anything that would hurt, upset or piss Him off. Part is it keeps me honest and forthright. And thrown in that mix is I know Sir always has my well being in mind. If I mentioned something that He thought wasn't good for me, He'd ask me more about it.

I do see some progress though. Granted, Sir could ask me to do a hell of a lot without me batting an eye...things that would likely scare people. I don't always have healthy boundaries, which is why it's a very good thing that He's an incredibly moral and kind-hearted man. But I have seen some minor differences with other people. I no longer feel like I have to fix everyone else's problems. I'm working on not overextending myself emotionally. There are definitely more physical limitations and expressing boundaries.

All of that still feels very unnatural, though. I'm working towards having my and Sir's happiness being top priority. He's just going to have to live with that, lol. Especially since as of right now, He holds that top position on His own. Something else that may be news to Him. The difference between this relationship and past unhealthy ones is that making Sir happy doesn't require me to be unhappy and dissatisfied. I'm not compromising who I am in order to make Him happy. I couldn't have always said that in the past.

So, hooray for progress? Lol

Why don't things ever work as they should

About ten inches into knitting what was supposed to be a scarf I realized I was knitting something more akin to a triangle. Apparently something about stockinette stitching gets newbies every time. Here I was thinking it was easy...and it was! I even managed to put swirly patterns in it. Except I had nearly three times as many stitches as I was supposed to...all extending from the one end. I got the other side right, I guess.

I decided to unravel it all and start over. I nearly cried. All that hard work gone. Now I'm working on something where I have to count every last stitch on every row. I can't possibly screw this up, right? Granted, I nearly fumbled already but I fixed my mistake easily enough. I did manage to learn something the first time, rofl.

That's about the only interesting thing going on in my life currently. Unless you'd like to hear about the mysterious red saw dust I found on the ledge on top of the bathroom window. I haven't the faintest idea where that came from, but it's gone now. If it comes back...yeah, let's just hope it was one of those random occurrences in my house. It's over 120 year old. Strange things happen. At a certain point, I just accept it.

I'm monster sitting next weekend. Lisa and her hubby are going to Salem, MA for her birthday. I've been a couple of times and loved it. They should have a good time so long as the rain holds out. I'll be enjoying the adorableness of the monster and pups. Speaking of Lisa, her hubby wants me to help her learn how to cook. And clean more effectively. Love that woman, but a housewife she is not. So I was tasked with helping. Wish me luck...seriously I'm going to need it, lol.

I miss Sir, but that's nothing new. My bed is too large without Him. Plus He's a heat machine and it's cold at night. Hahaha! Maybe, barring His schedule, He'll be able to come hang out with me while I'm monster sitting. It'd be nice. Watching silly movies, snuggling. We can order in something for dinner. I like this plan. So it'd be really nice if His scheduled allowed for it. *coughhinthintcough*

Inner Dialogue: The Pitfalls of Not Communicating

I'm sorry that I haven't written in over a week. Well that's not entirely true. I haven't been writing here but in a private place just for me. Lord knows no one wants to read all that. I don't want to read it. Not to mention, none of it was true. See? Total waste of time. Y'all didn't miss a thing. ;-)

It's been hard. The minor weekend sadness turned into full blown, deep and dark, depression. I argue that I don't hate myself. When I'm good, I don't have that hate. When I'm bad, it comes with a vengeance. This time to the point where I didn't care about my poor decision making. I still don't care, which is scary. I want to say I feel better now but where's the guilt? Not with me that's for sure.

Hmmm, that's not quite accurate. It's more that I don't think I made a bad choice. I did what I needed to in the moment. Acceptance that I'm not perfect? I'll ask the therapist about it. Even my depression doesn't look right anymore...

Change, ugh! LOL

I'm not mired down by depressive thoughts, so something is going on. Don't ask me though as I haven't a clue what's going on in my head.

This past Sunday, I didn't text Sir (yeah, we're just gonna go with that) until He sent me a text in the early afternoon. He says that's His red flag warning for when things are wrong with me. I had no intention of saying anything to Him about anything going on in my head. After the previous post, I didn't say a thing about anything going on in my head.

So, He asked me if anything was wrong. I almost  didn't say a word about it. Now y'all and even Sir understand why I tell Him about all the small happenings. I trained myself to tell Him the truth. I don't know anything else with Him. Hiding it was hard enough, and I hated myself all the more for not saying something. My inner dialogue looked a little like this:

I should tell Him what's going on...I can't. He's away trying to enjoy Himself. He doesn't need this...But if I hide this, I'll hide more and more. Then He'll find out and hate me...If I ruin His time elsewhere, He'll still hate me...(on repeat for a few days, then He returned only to be swamped by work) I need to tell Him before Saturday. I can't see Him and pretend everything's okay...And ruin what may be the few last good days with Him?...I promised myself I wouldn't lie to Him...It doesn't matter anymore, does it?

Yeah, I know. That's the downgraded version of it too. I legitimately thought He was done with me. It led me on a self-loathing cycle that tested my will. One of those: This is why they've all left. Why can't I be normal? I don't deserve anything happy. I'm going to move far away and never be a burden to anyone again. Depression, gotta love it, heh. I was blaming myself for things that weren't happening and that most certainly were untrue.

I don't know know how I'm doing. Better would be my guess. I don't know how we're doing. We're both independently going through major life changes. We won't know what happens next until we're on the other side of those. For now it's enough to know that we both still want this.

It has to be enough.

Over The Weekend

I was at a wedding on Saturday. It was a vanilla affair, though those getting married are very much kinky. There were friends from the community and we laughed about how we can't behave when we all get together, especially the women. We're just terrible! ;-)

A very good friend of mine teased threatened offered to give me birthday spankings. This is what I mean. No proper sense of vanilla, haha! We have one of those electric chemistry interactions. From the first moment we met, in fact, it's been that way. Don't worry. He's very happily married with two beautiful little girls. We just have this playful teasing about us. So carefully finding a quiet spot, I got more than my current age worth of spankings. I made note of that as well! Damn sadists! :-P

Then we talked about the guys. I referred to them as "The powers that be"...I may or may not be addicted to the tv show Charmed. Nothing too detailed, just that I am involved right now. And to think I almost didn't go to this wedding...

It was a bad weekend that I'm not sure is really over. But I got talked through my shitty head space and went. I'm sure the 8 or 9 glasses (at least? LOL) of wine helped matters as well. Though I did sleep terribly with nightmares later that night. It's bad when I sleep for 10 hours and it feels like I was up all night arguing and fighting.

I have therapy today. I'm going to hang out with Lisa too. Because I don't really know what else to do. I can cry and snuggle with her. Maybe sort out everything going on. I have no idea if it's the depression or if things really suck as much as I think they do.

It's weird because I asked him if it was alright if my friend gave me birthday spankings. And that led to an involved conversation that never got finished. I'll add it to the list. Though it feels like I don't really care very much either way at this point. I probably asked because I was drinking and was working on autopilot. Not even thinking about everything.

Rebecca was at the wedding and we talked briefly. She confirmed some things going on in my head. Things I don't really know what to do with. Except that I love him to depths that scare me to even think about. Of course she went places that I don't want to go near and she pointed out a very obvious bit of info.

I'm angry and frustrated with people. I'm about ready to be done because I'm not everyone's mother, even if they treat me that way. Semi-hermit. Keep people around who deserve to be around, fuck everyone else. Chris is incredibly mildly concerned. Though I think he's worried about me going completely hermit, whereas I would be bored and lonely with that. Personally, I think it's a healthy decision. I'm tired of giving to people and never getting anything in return. I deserve to have good people around me who support and care about me. The abruptness might be because of the crippling depression that returned but I think it's valid. I'll talk with the therapist about it, if I think of it amid everything else.

And no, we haven't talked about this or anything terribly serious since that post the other day. He's still away. Wants to celebrate my birthday some time when he gets back. I miss him. I want him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me everything will be okay. But I'm not sure if that's possible. Amazing what a week's difference can make.

The Rose Bush (fairy tale)

This is a fairy tale I've been working on.

It's still rough, but I wanted to have something

to share with you.

The Rose Bush

There once was a young orphan girl, who grew up with a step mother who tried her best to care for her. The step mother's heart was not filled with wickedness, but pure ice. A shield of love lost and burned, the step mother declared no one would harm her heart again. In time it grew so cold that the heart had frozen, any love trapped in the icy prison.

So came the orphan girl into the step mother's life, the sole heiress and a promise of great beauty. Where she once knew warmth, she knew only cold. The step mother taught her that the world would destroy any who did not have a heart of ice. She only needed to love herself--it would be enough. But the orphan girl realized one day that with a frozen heart, the step mother wasn't capable of even loving herself.

Over the years, the young girl's heart began to freeze as well. She had no knowledge of love, beyond a vague sense, so she did not know what it meant to love, neither herself or another. She grew up to be a beautiful young woman. Every suitor who came calling, and they ventured across land and sea to find her, was turned away. They came with lust in their hearts and greed on their minds. She fell into despair, believing that the men were incapable of loving her because of her cold heart.

Even when the orphan woman tried to love one of the men, one who sought only her happiness and promised her a world of love, her frozen heart prevented a love connection from forming. The man did not want a bride with a heart of ice. With his rejection, the woman shut her heart away completely, not knowing she further encased it in ice. Her world became one of darkness.

When some years passed, the young woman gave up on ever finding love and the warmth she knew from her childhood. She had a wisp of a memory of that warmth of love. It suffused every inch of her from head to toes. Or at least that's what she told herself, as the details were like smoke in the wind.

One day while sitting in the local gardens, she saw a man tending one of the rose bushes. Fascinated she watched him, with his carefully honed craft. She saw the man cut off some of the beginning buds. Frowning, she compared herself to those roses, the ones that would never have a chance to fully grow. The man glanced her way, realizing she was staring at him. He gave her a friendly wave and went along his way, tending to other plants.

She returned a few days later, once again people watching in the garden. There was the man again, pruning yet more tiny buds from the rose bush. The young woman began to believe that the man didn't know what he was doing. There would be none that would bloom if he kept removing them. The man once again saw her watching and gave her another wave. This time she noticed the smile he flashed as he waved, and she couldn't help returning the smile. It was the first smile that graced her lips in many years. Suddenly feeling a sharp ache within her, she returned home for the day to rest.

The next day, she went back to the gardens in hopes of seeing the gardener. She sat closer to the rose bush this time, on a stone bench across the path. She pretended to read the book she brought as the man came by to check on the roses. This time he did not remove any, but smiled. Confused, the woman peaked over the book to see what he was about. It was then that she saw the beauty and mastery of his skill. The roses that were blooming were quite large and breathtaking. There was only one or two per branch, and they flourished without sharing the space with the multitude of blooms that surely would have grown without the tending of the gardener.

The man caught her marveling over his work. He sat down next to her, introducing himself. She smiled and gave her name. She apologized for doubting his skill. When he looked confused she explained that it appeared as if he was harming the plant when it was clear he helped shape it to become its most beautiful. He took her hand and showed her around the rest of the gardens, pointing out the careful work he'd done to help each plant thrive.

Each day the lonely woman returned to the gardens to spend time with the careful gardener. She found herself enjoying his company, wishing regretfully that her heart was coated in ice. He was a man she believed she could have loved otherwise. Some days, she had to return home early as a pain would envelop from within. This continued on for a month, until one morning the pain was so intense that she couldn't move out of bed. There she stayed sleeping fitfully with strange dreams. Her gardener spent his free time by her bedside, reading to her from one of the books in her collection.

After a week had passed, she awoke feeling better than she could ever recall. As she opened her eyes, she saw the gardener by her side, sleeping in a chair with a book sprawled on his lap. She was softly smiling at him, unaware, as he woke. He was overjoyed to see her in better health and suggested a walk through the gardens for some fresh air. Overjoyed, she ran through the gardens even as he shouted for her to be careful. They spent the day amid the blooming and flowering plants. She stopped to smell whichever plant caught her interest. The young man had never seen her smile so much as he did that day.

As the sun was beginning to set, they stopped at the stone bench in front of the rose garden. Realizing he'd found his true love, the man knelt down before her and asked for her hand in marriage. He said since meeting her, he'd thought of no other. She made his world brighter. She was a flower that bloomed and he wanted to care for her the rest of their days.

The woman was stunned at his proposal. Then she began to cry into her hands, her misfortune of a frozen heart causing her worse pain than she could have ever imagined. Concerned, he asked what was the matter and she began telling the tale of her step mother's heart of ice as well as how hers came to the same misfortune. She begged him to tend to her like he did his flowers. Maybe with his skill he could chip away the ice surrounding her heart.

Unfortunately, he shook his head saying that there was nothing more he could do. She slipped to the ground and sobbed all the harder in her despair. Never had her body hurt this much before. She ached from her head to her toes. Deep within her, a burn began that fluttered around the edges of her memory. Strong hands gently grasped hers and wiped away her tears, explaining that he could only shape the plants to bring out their own individual beauty. The plants did all the hard work in growing to be something marvelous.

He kissed her then, and a warmth spread between them. She stared at him, uncomprehending what had occurred. She argued that her heart was ice. This warmth must be imagined. It was then that understanding dawned on her love's features. He asked when the aching began. She told the story in full, and how it began here in the gardens. Laughing, he picked her up and swung her about. He said that being around the flowers must have helped the ice melt from around her heart. It must have been what caused her week of illness. Now she was free to love.

Still confused, but too happy and in love to question his guess further in that moment, she agreed to marry the gardener that had changed her world. Every day at his behest she would spend hours in the gardens, watching as he worked. A year after their wedding and a child swelling within her, she pondered over the mystery of her now unfrozen heart. It was while watching him prune this year's roses that the truth became clear. It was the man, not the flowers, who had unfrozen her heart. Her curiosity and his tenderness had warmed all that had been cold.

She rushed over to her marvelous husband and kissed him passionately. He looked down upon her, pleasantly baffled by her strange behavior. He gently caressed the side of her face. Smiling up, she said to her love, "Thank you for tending the roses."

Screw it, I don't know how to title this

So, this is something I've known for a while. I've been trying to make it work, redefine the box. I've got nothing else, sorry.

I can't keep defining this one way, when he doesn't want the label. I won't keep breaking my heart by calling it something that I guess it's clearly not. There's this sickly humorous thought that it's never been D/s and I've been deluding myself this whole time. A bitter thought that he's let me keep up with it.

Regardless, we're still doing whatever the hell it has been. I just won't be writing about it. I seem to get the wrong impressions of things that way. And ya know what, my own little world is okay with not knowing either way. Or at the least not being repeatedly proven wrong in a semi-public light.

I don't resent him for it. I'm not mad or upset, at least not specifically at him. He's really one of the few good things in my life. I've been working on being more honest with myself and others. This is just the plain truth of things, even if I want desperately want to be wrong.

As to what I'll be writing about from now on, your guess is as good as mine.

There is a short little fairy tale/short story I'm working on. When that's a little less rough around the edges, I'll post it for y'all. After that, I'm not sure. Maybe some more creative works--poetry, stories, and the like.

I'm also open to topic suggestions. If there's anything you'd like to hear me ramble on about, ask away. :-P

Yet people always wonder why I hate my birthday, heh. Happy birthday to me, right? I'm officially announcing it now that I'll not be making public appearances next October. Maybe staying away from people the whole month will get me through it easier. I highly doubt it but hell I can try.

Oh hello depression. I guess 5 days away from you is better than nothing. Really hate October. Can it be next year already? Please?

Facing Jealously

Sir was here yesterday and it was a very good time. Happy sub, and I think a happy Sir too.

My jaw ached after He was done with me and continued to do so this morning, lol. Sometimes I really struggle with getting Him off. I've never had an issue with it before when it came to other partners. Apparently my need to breathe every so often was what hinders His orgasm. Guess I'm just out of practice, which means we need to do this more.

I woke up happier than I've been in years. Genuine, pure happiness. I barely recognized the person staring back at me in the mirror this morning. It's been a long time. The change didn't start yesterday. It's been throughout the last year, with a heavy bout of depression and crawling my way out of it.

This time is different. I care more. Fear of loss has always been present but the clarity of the emotion has been one of the strongest since meeting Sir. The dullness that comes with depression is gone. The last of those walls are down, for the present anyway. While we were fooling around, Sir mentioned having sex and playing with someone else.

At first, a deep wave of jealousy washed over me. I took a moment to get it under control. Instead, tears started to fall. Sir pulled me close, kissing them away. If I ever want to work on those jealousy issues, Sir said He'd be willingly to help. I'm not sure how much I like His idea of "helping" considering what it entails. The idea of being tied up and forced to watch is not a pleasant one.

Real, raw emotions. I'm not used to them. It's not bad though. I am incredibly happy and content. I have hope and look forward to the future. I have wishes, desires, wants, motivations. I've probably had them for some time but noticing them is different.

I realize that I have a lot of love to give. Should things not work out with Sir, heavens above it'll hurt, but I'll survive. I don't think I've felt that way once over the last year. I do fully expect everything to work out just fine. For more reasons than I could count, including the only secret I've kept from Him. Maybe one of these days, or years lol, I'll tell Him what else I was shown the night we went to see Les Miserables. That one should leave Him guessing, though I would tell Him now if He asked. The fear is not so great anymore.

There's something refreshing about admitting that fear and facing it head on. It's funny, even. Because I want Him to date someone else, if He chooses to do such. I want to be her friend and confidant. Maybe even gang up on Sir at times. I want that for Him, if it would make Him happy. Even as the jealousy and fear of such a thing strikes me to the core, I wish Him only happiness however He may find it.

And isn't love greatest in the face of adversity and challenge? It's also been easy for me, when it comes to sharing my partners. I've never felt those pains of jealousy and such deep seated fear before. Maybe it's because I've never given my heart so freely or fully. In the beginning it wasn't requited love. It took time, whereas I fell that first day. I've been falling ever the more in love since and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Now, it's so easy between us that it's baffling. Maybe a touch scary too.

I'm sure I will need to fully face this jealousy one day. I'll have to trust Sir, and trust myself. I think I can do that, when the time comes.

Neat Freak

Dear Atkins website, 

Two and a half hours of doing anything is a workout, 

even if I was only cleaning at the time. 

Sincerely, a sore but satisfied sub

I have a list that I've barely dented. Granted, I did start the list after finishing several cleaning jobs so they didn't make the list of chores. I was half tempted to add them simply to cross them off to make myself feel better. But that's makes more visual space for the list and I'm a less versus more kind of gal.

This started as a list of things I wanted to do before Sir comes over tomorrow. Just some basic cleaning and straightening. He's a guy. He's not going to notice the small stuff, I think? See now I don't know and He too polite to say anything.

Regardless, my OCD kicked in yesterday and I decided that I'm going to super clean everything in my house from top to bottom. I'm currently working on the kitchen, which I do keep clean. Though I don't always think to dust the lights and wipe down the fridge, or scrub the doors because apparently my hands are filthy when I touch them. Or dust that shelf above the laundry--it is tucked away and under so I can easily ignore the dust and dirt, lol. Wash the windows and ledges, dust the blinds. It's a very long list, just for the kitchen.

It'll likely take me the better part of the week or more to get everything thoroughly cleaned but I'm motivated to do it. When I'm not bogged down by depression, I'm a neat freak. Everything must go in its proper place and be clean. I have another 5 hours of cleaning that I'll be able to get done today (also have to run to the store even though I was just there yesterday, I even had a list! But I forgot some things and need extra for tomorrow). That's probably about all my body will be able to handle before it revolts against me.

Yes, Sir is coming over tomorrow to hang out and have lunch. Though He did tease me by saying that He might be bringing my little friend, and by that He means a gorgeous and glorious glass dildo that I adore. I may have kept myself up a little late last night with fantasies and orgasms because I'm very needy for Sir's touch, kiss, smile...maybe being pinned down to the bed while He whispers half threats, half promises in my ear...Sorry I just spaced out, lol!

Anyway, I decided to spoil Sir with a nice lunch. Home made burgers and fries, with a jalepeno and habenero cheese to top the burgers. And of course some bacon. I'll make up a side salad to pretend to be healthy. For dessert, peanut butter cookies with dark chocolate chips. Mmmmm!!!!

Once last thought: I don't do the housework and cleaning for a "good girl" or praise. It's something that needs to get done. I can't see Sir being the strict disciplinarian that I read about on other blogs, especially about cleaning. But I do miss it now and then. Before Sir, I wasn't only a bedroom sub. Whereas Sir wants me to be more independent and self-sufficient, standing on my own two foot better. He's pushing me into that narrow bedroom submissive position, whether He knows it or not. I am more than capable of running my own life but god help Sir if He ever changes His position on this. That's going to be one hell of a battle. :-P

Spa Getaway with Lisa

Pampered. That's the only word I need for the spa resort. I wish I had taken pictures of the room and the grounds. I only snapped a few pictures, and they're of Lisa mainly. We were too in heaven and overwhelmed to think about taking pictures of the room when we got there. It was only an overnight trip. It flew by very quickly. We're already talking about doing this again next year and staying the full weekend.

It wasn't entirely uneventful but I'll explain our trip in full. We left around noon to grab liquor (none in the town or near it, maybe because it's historical??). Granted we only wanted wine but I didn't want to pay $30 a bottle at the local wineries. We arrived in the downtown around 1:30 or so in the afternoon. Now we didn't know that there was an antique fair going on right in the square of the downtown on the sidewalks and parking spots.

But we managed to find a lot to park in and we went in search of lunch. As you can imagine, the sidewalks were crowded with people. Even at 2 pm, there was an hour wait, at least, for every restaurant. Lisa in her brilliance decided to ask a local for an off the beaten path restaurant that wouldn't be busy. Basically looking for where the locals eat versus the tourist spots.

Honest to God, I've never been to a diner in a strip mall. It was clean, filled with locals and not very busy. The food was inexpensive and amazing. I understand, sometimes we're meddled with for a reason. We probably ate better food there than anywhere else in the downtown...as dinner was so kind to point out to us later that evening.

By the time we ate, walked back to the car, and found the resort we were staying at, it was near about time for check in. The place is stunning from the moment you walk in. Antiques seamlessly placed among new furniture, all of it cozy and comfortable. There were several common rooms for the guests, including a movie room and a kitchen.

Once we were shown our room, we decided to go swimming. Heated, indoor pool. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a pool more. After about an hour swim, we got around for dinner. We got all dressed up as the resort made reservations for us at a fairly nice restaurant. Only the place we went to was horrible. They served burnt french onion soup. How does one burn soup? By scraping the burnt bits off the bottom of the container, and then serving it for a customer to find plastic-like black flakes in the soup.

We didn't stay after that. So it was Saturday night and everywhere was going to be busy. We ended up at a TGIF and we couldn't have had better service. I'm the type of person who will go to a chain restaurant when I have to, and not much more. That night I was very thankful for the consistency and dependency.

After we got back, dessert was served to us in the room. A gluten free pound cake with fresh strawberries and homemade whip cream. So good! Then we relaxed in the jacuzzi and drank wine. Several glasses of wine later, we got a little frisky. Turned on the TV to drown out any sounds that we made, lol.

The next morning, breakfast was served to us in bed. The people who owned the resort were fantastic to us. They were excellent in making sure everything was gluten and soy free. There are only 6 guest rooms, so we were given plenty of attention while still feeling like we were the only people there. Absolutely perfect and everything Lisa and I were looking for.

Once breakfast was finished, that's when we got our massages. It was the perfect ending for our trip. We went back to our respective homes relaxed and refreshed. Like I said, we're already planning next year. Stay a full weekend to enjoy more time in the pool! It was exactly the getaway Lisa and I needed. :)

Also, I was telling Sir about this place, as it's only about 45 minutes away. Normally I have to talk Him into things like this. Apparently I made a good sell, as we're thinking about a weekend getaway for us in late spring, early summer. He wants to relax and enjoy Himself. Because there's a kitchen and a outdoor gas grill, I'm all for bringing some food with us and not driving anywhere all weekend. Sounds like a good plan, right?

On The Edge...Of Crazy

I have written half a dozen posts that are sitting in drafts. None will ever see the light of day. Lots of likely incoherent ramblings that may only make sense to me.

Oh I was so ticked off at Sir on Saturday. It really shows. I'd like to think that I sweetened and loosened up as the day went on. Maybe. I was feeling very unheard. I'm used to people making wrong assumptions about me. Typically, I give people a bit of room because I am complex. Heck, I'm still in the process of understanding how all the pieces fit together; I don't expect anyone else to have all the answers. But when people try to tell me that they know me better than I do? That's when I get upset, apparently five days worth of angry.

Last night, while Sir and I were texting, the anger finally dissipated. I decided it wasn't worth holding on to the anger, especially when He's so damn sweet. Also, something He wrote in the beginning of the year comes to mind. I can't remember if I ever asked if it was about me or not, but it's applicable to this situation. It was about one day understanding someone and hoping it was a long time off, as the discovery is so enjoyable.

I realized there's a lot about me for Sir to learn yet. All the pieces haven't been uncovered nor has He put them all together. And there's some fun to that to maybe catch Him off guard. After all, He's not seen much of my vanilla world. That side might still surprise Him.

That's really where all of this has been going. Who I am in the vanilla world is incredibly different. Furthermore, part of my personality that was shaped over the years is strictly vanilla. So much so, there was a huge internal struggle for years once I started to give submission a voice. There's an uneasy understanding, but my vanilla side and the submissive have completely different life experiences and influences. The vanilla doesn't exactly condone the kinky behavior, thinking it to be an unnecessary risk and vulnerability.

That's what showed up when Sir tried to say that I have dominant traits. The vanilla personality said "No" loud and clear. Not everything about me is kinky. It may all be me, part of the whole, but the sub and the vanilla react completely differently to the same moments. The only thing they typically agree on is the incomprehension of dominance in terms of sexuality and kink.

The vanilla is a control freak and OCD but in terms of "I will not delegate or work well with others. They're incompetent and I'd have to do it all again anyway. I have enough on my plate. Why would I ever want to manage someone else?"  Everything has a place and that's where everything belongs. I will make decisions for me, because again people are incompetent.

The sub hates having control, even of myself. Things shouldn't be defined; it's an unnecessary complication. I don't want to be the one making most of the decisions. I trust my Dom/significant other to lead us properly and effectively. Things don't have to be perfect as long as they work.

Those are both core parts of my personality. And they sound conflicting because they are. Now, for most people various selves are blended and integrated enough that it's hard to see the differences. These are the extreme ends of my personality to which everything else falls in between. This is what I've been struggling to explain because it does sound crazy. I will legitimately agree with everyone on that. But it is what it is and the therapist says it makes sense to him. So I can't be that crazy...one would hope! Lol

Basically, it's alright if Sir doesn't understand all of this. Or if He never sees all the complexity that is the whole of me. He loves me. I love Him. And He tries, oh He sure as hell tries. We're different creatures. He's everything that He is and I'm all that I am. So sometimes we try to connect and our various pieces can't speak the same language. Hell, I barely speak the same language within myself. It's no real surprise that Sir can't understand me. And why I can't understand Him. It can take me years to agree on a simple idea, like say whether the submissive cravings I've always had are good for me. That side didn't always have a voice; used to be a jumble of emotions and fantasies.

Maybe one of these days (or more likely years), a personality subset will emerge who can communicate effectively with Sir. God I hope so, for the both of us to stay sane.

Toeing A Different Kind Of Line

I'm currently standing in line, waiting to get into the renn faire. Sir is in another line, as I bought a return ticket when I was here with.friends a few weeks ago. There's threat of rain. I'm crossing my fingers that it holds off for most of the day.

I woke up in a terrible mood. I have few buttons that can be pushed that will royally piss me off. Last night, one was pushed. Then repeatedly poked and prodded. I did what I could to defuse it. Exaggerate the frustration to make it seem like not a big deal. Then I reached a point of silence and stillness. That's when people should be worried. Because I was holding on by a bare thread.

One person noticed, Kevin. It was a birthday party at their place. As I was leaving he asked me if I was okay. No, not entirely. But I held it together. Rebecca had a great birthday and that's all that matters.

If not for already made plans, I would have hid away for a few days, far away from people. My threshold of patience is nil. I don't really like it either. Sir knows I'm in a pissy mood and is trying to diffuse it.

Problem is, He started pushing that button last night. Maybe when I'm less angry, I can explain it all better. For now, I'll try to enjoy the day.

So I'm a bitch, am I?

Oh man, apparently I am full of aggressive attitude at the moment. Where did the sweet sub girl go?

For the record, we're fine. We talked some of it out. We'll talk the rest out hopefully some time this week. Somehow we always manage to figure things out, so neither of us is all that worried.

No, someone I know on Fetlife messaged an ex of mine, telling him to "control the bitch".

Well, Hi. You called for a bitch and damn well got one. I showed Lisa everything earlier and she just about died laughing. I've been in a mood lately. I almost said "Good boy" to a friend on Sunday. To which Sir remarked, "And you're sure you're not at all Dominant?" while chuckling.

No, I'm really not. But I can be snarky as heck, especially since it was a dominant guy that I was referring to with my "good boy" comment. I know full well the terminology and it can be amusing to engage dominants at their own game.

I guess that makes me a terrible submissive. Sir will just have to love me anyway. ;-)

Speaking of Lisa and Sir actually, we're getting together along with Lisa's hubby on Saturday. Going to the renn faire. Should be lots of fun! :)  Sir hasn't met them yet, which is surprising I know. It should be interesting. Hopefully everyone will like everyone else.

Lisa has been giving me a daily countdown for our little getaway trip. Gotta love that woman and how silly she is at times. Spa time, luxurious jacuzzi in the room, beautiful garden and grounds in the most perfect weather. Dinner that evening at a french restaurant. Dessert and wine delivered to the room. Breakfast delivered to the room the next morning. We really spared no detail for a girly getaway.

My diet will be a bit out the window but one night won't harm anything. I've lost 14 pounds, 5 inches from my hips, another 4 from my thighs, and a couple inches everywhere else. I'm fairly certain I'm gaining muscle mass, which is why the pounds don't seem near as significant as the inches lost. Considering I'm far more concerned about the inches, I can most certainly live with that.

That's about all that's going on. While I'm not in a dominant mindset, I truly am far away from the submissive spectrum. Maybe with all things considered, it's a good thing for the present time. It's not like that side has been needed lately. I don't mean anything bad by that comment. It is what it is. If Sir wants my submissive side out, He knows how to coax that from me.

Frustrated

We're misunderstanding each other...again. Extremely upset that this has become the ongoing story of us.

It makes me want to lock up all my thoughts. Just nod and smile. That's so much easier, right? Then there are no issues.

And anyone who has ever known me would laugh at that. Duct tape isn't a guarantee of silence. Isn't that why we were given tongues, to push duct tape off?

Yeah, I'm in a mood.

I can't say anything else because I don't want to make an already complicated situation worse.

I'm frustrated because He doesn't seem to understand me, at all. Even if He thinks He does, I'm entirely unconvinced of that at this point. Because for the past year, He's accused me of doing things that I'm not doing.

Believe me, if I wanted the things He claims I wanted, I'd have had them a year ago in someone else. But I will not apologize for wanting to have addressed all of this months ago. It should have been done and over with.

He thinks we keep having the same conversations. We're most certainly not, but that would explain why we're not getting anywhere. The same few answers aren't going to solve anything. And telling me we'll deal with it later is not a fucking answer. Yes, we very well may have to deal with it later as well. Doesn't change the fact that it needs to be addressed now. That all of this needed to be addressed months ago.

Ugh, men! Last night, I was so ready to say I'm done. That I was done with this, with everything. I don't want to go to bed crying most nights. I don't deserve that. I'm tired of trying and having that seen as something wrong or bad. I'm tired of trying to make someone else happy, and no matter what I do, it's not right.

This is probably more than I should share but I don't care anymore. This is my space and if He doesn't like it, well that's just too damn bad.

Silence

I wish for quiet
I long for silence
Held in the arms of the cold
Forsaken

When will I see the light they talk about
If it's real at all
I'm bound by the numbing ache of my heart
As I'm wrapped in the shadows

It's in the eyes of those who wander round
Like ghosts living in the shell of the world
Am I alone out here
Are we alone out here
Am I alone

When will I see the light they talk about
If it's real at all
I'm bound by the numbing ache of my heart
As I'm wrapped in the shadows

Screaming out
Can I be heard
In this deafening silence

Shrouded, hidden
No more safe havens
No more noise of the world caving in
There is peace in silence

When will I see the light they talk about
If it's real at all
I'm bound by the numbing ache of my heart
As I'm wrapped in the shadows


Just in case this needs clarification:

This is just a song/poem that I wrote. I'm better at writing sad, haunting works. 

Please don't read anything into it.

Freedom for All

"And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to"

I know it's a bit long for a music video but it's worth every second. Every time I hear this on the radio, I tear up. The video is far more powerful.

It's about more than just LGBT rights as well. I think that's part of why I like this song, even if it's very far from my usual musical interests. "No freedom til we're equal, damn right I support it"

We spend so much time fighting one another about little differences that we don't see that we're tearing our communities, our countries apart. Pick any issue that's religious and/or political. You'll find those willing to lie to control other people. Willing to lie to keep their insecurities at bay. Willing to lie to keep some people lesser than others simply to feel better about themselves.

TTWD? We face the same opposition as those fighting for gay rights. This is considered illegal to many eyes of the law. The same opposition women face to have the ability to make decisions regarding their own bodies. True freedom of religion, as well as keeping government and religions separate.

Governments can throw out the word "terrorist" and have that be a defense for trampling on the rights of its people. We're all too busy fighting over trivial differences to take a step back and look at what we're doing to other human beings.

I may not be a fan of guns. I'd be happy never to see another one in my life. I also support regulated and reasonable gun ownership. Because governments should fear their people, both in words and actions. I believe in equal rights, even to rights that I will never use and have some moral objections over.

It's not the job of the government to be moral police. Look inward first. The wars they wage in the name of freedom. They wouldn't know freedom if it bit them on the ass. Freedom is freedom for all, or no one is free.

"First they came for the Socialists,

and I did not speak out--

Because I was not Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists,

and I did not speak out--

Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,

and I did not speak out--

Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me--

there was no one left to speak for me."

~Martin Niemoller

Politicians wouldn't understand me. Neither would the majority of our judicial representatives. I would be used as an example for the "slippery slope" argument. 

I love women just as freely as I love men. I'm romantically involved with multiple partners. I'm one of those "wicked heathens" who would corrupt the morality of this country, by simply following a different religious path. I practice sadomasochism with my partners--a true sexual deviant.

They would say I'm everything that's wrong with this country. They would see me silenced. They would see me isolated and oppressed, especially by others who are facing their own oppression. Give a target to lash out on for their own frustrations and anger. The government is smart to keep the infighting going, and screwing over every last one of us by keeping us blind.

I'm sure I will get put on some list for writing this. After all, isn't "terrorist" one of their trigger words? But the great thing about the ideas I have, the life I live--I am one of many. Freedom and equality for all is nothing new. 

Equality will be what wins when all is said and done.

What is Darkness?

We have very different definitions of "darkness." He sees it as the beast within that lacks empathy and compassion. The very worst that humanity can be, which exists in all of us. Bleak and morbid, right? Also, kind of hot...but I'll get back to that.

When I talk about "darkness", I mean in the fun BDSM sense. When He ties me up, beats and humiliates me. The yummy, delicious kind of play that we both love. It's the rougher, pain-filled play. It's when all the layers are stripped away, and I'm laid completely bare, then He grins with that delightful evil glint in His eyes. I know I'm in for something intense that will push my endurance...and I'm as excited as I am nervous, in those moments.

I love when He's gentle and sweet. I adore the soft tenderness that is His usual self. His dominance is the healing, boosting kind. I will always want all of that. It's the balance of the light and dark that makes it perfect.

When He humiliates me, I don't carry the shame beyond the moment. Because I know He absolutely adores me and thinks very highly of me. When He hurts me, I know it'll never be out of anger or malicious harm. He can literally take the air I need to breathe away from me, and I feel completely safe.

He brings so much light into my life that I trust Him to bring a bit of darkness as well.

Which leads me to His thoughts of "darkness"...I've seen it once. I was trembling in fear before He even put the blindfold on me. I sensed the change and my flight instincts kicked in. I wasn't actually afraid of Sir, but self-preservation is a difficult reaction to shut down.

I can still remember that fear. I was shaking in His arms, unable put what I was feeling into words. Maybe it's the emotional masochist in me, but that fear is incredibly attractive. I want Him to put the empathy and compassion aside, if only for a few moments to trigger that fear. And then when our fun is done, slowly come back to ourselves. Give Him the sweet smile to let Him know I'm doing okay. Help Him find His way back to me, if necessary.

I would willingly walk into a scene where I know Sir's version of darkness will appear. It's about trust. I know He's a good person. I know He would never intentionally harm me, which is why He's so damn resistant to letting inner monster loose. He's been the light in the dark for me so many times. I would hope in a scene like that, I could be the bright light to keep my Sir there even if He's just beneath the surface.

And in the end, this is something that is simply a want, a desire. If I never see what He considers darkness again, I can live with that. It's not a need. An extremely dark desire that is likely more appealing in thought than in reality. I'm fully aware of that.

Now what I call darkness? Yeah, that's definitely a need. I enjoy the pain and roughness too much. :-D

It's interesting though, the difference in terminology. Even after all this time, we both still think of our own versions of darkness whenever it gets brought up. We'll have to find a better word for my version of it. Until then, maybe this post will help us bridge the communication gap for talking about our individual ideas of what "dark" play is.

Reconnecting With Sir

I didn't mean to step away from blogging. I'm sorry I left y'all hanging. I had every intention to write as I have things to talk about, which I will get to some of it today. The rest might stay tucked away in the shadows of my mind.

I was actually writing on the 24th. Something for far off, something I wanted to keep close. That's when the hammer of reality shattered the glass of illusions. Removed those rose tinted lenses that the inner romantic loves to wear. I was left shaken to the core and I think I've been afraid to write ever since. I was angry, over silly things that really don't matter.

Not only did I take a step back from here, I was rather distant with Sir. I don't think I was cold, just a bit removed. He's been incredibly busy lately and we were pulling apart again. We did catch it early this time and remedied the situation.

Such as yesterday, as He spent the afternoon at my place. We watched the movie "Music and Lyrics." It was adorable and fun. Plus I got to snuggle up with Him. :)

Then things got very interesting. I'm still in a happy, floating, melting place. That man knows how to push all the right buttons. While we didn't have an intense scene, it was so good to reconnect that way. And being pushed against a cabinet while being passionately kissed is always fun. Heh, I tried to touch Him while I was pressed up against the cabinet and He pushed my hands back down. Yep, I know a non-verbal order when I get one. Lol!!

Mine is similar to this but more form fitting around the neck.

Then there's always the 10 orgasms Sir literally forced out of me. Restrained, blindfolded, gagged for the first several orgasms (then I had to count the rest, I really didn't think He was going to stop at 10)....yeah, I was getting them whether I liked it or not!! Hee hee! Oh, and I had on a posture collar too. So I couldn't move my head at all. I was His play thing and all I could do was go along for the ride.

We played more after that...well He played with me and I happily sucked His cock...but it was more about the reconnecting, I think. He was barely sadistic at all. I was floating so far in my happy place that I don't think I would have minded if He had been totally mean and evil.

We settled down after that and watched an episode of Chuck. Maybe in the next year we'll finish season one, lol!! He had other places to be that night so that was all of His time I could get. But it was more than enough. It was very nice to have my Sir around yesterday. Even if being around Him makes my nerves flutter every single time.

Okay so He might not understand this...but I think y'all will. Because we'd been cuddling on the couch and very up close with one another, my shirt especially smelled like Sir. I noticed that as I was taking it off for the night. I wanted to still be connected with Him so I took that shirt to bed with me. All curled up on my pillow so I'd have His scent with me all night. It wasn't as good as having Him actually in bed next to me, but it was good enough.

All in all, it was a very good day. I had missed Him dearly.

Oh, one last thing because I said I'd give more details. Later this month, Lisa and I are going to an overnight small resort type place. Getting pampered at the spa and then staying in a gorgeous room with a fireplace and a king size four poster bed. We've already picked out a French restaurant to go to for dinner that night. There's an indoor heated pool. It's going to be fantastic! My diet is going out the window while we're there, for sure. It'll be worth every calorie! :-D

Food is my pleasure and downfall

I've not had much to write about until today. Life has been vanilla. So frickin vanilla. Sunday was completely vanilla, way more than I expected. And of course I started a new diet that day. Plus I was lucky enough to manage food at all when most restaurants batter and fry everything. Yet we wonder why this country has obesity problems.

Speaking of diets, I restarted Atkins. Last summer I was doing a modified version of stages 3 and 4. Moderate starch carb intake with lots of fresh foods. Since then, I've not been doing so well. At one point this summer, I was 40 pounds heavier than I was last summer. Scary stuff. It happened gradually and I never got control of it. I had a severe wake up call when none of my summer clothes fit. I haven't put near as much effort into weight loss as I should have since then.

One of my fav foods. Rice cake, nutella, peanut butter.
Heaven that tempts me so bad, lol!!!
Though I use WAY more nutella and peanut butter! :-P

Why? Well, I like food. I like starch carbs and sugars. I was convincing myself that I was do everything in moderation when obviously I was far from it. When I would acknowledge the weight gain, I would go between beating up myself to thinking, "I want to eat these foods. I won't let it get any more out of control. The weight has stabilized here. I don't want to diet and give up everything I enjoy eating. And if they love me, they'll love me regardless if I'm at this weight or if I'm thinner."

There is some truth to all of that. But I was not eating healthy. I can spin it however I like but I wasn't. My body has a difficult time processing starch carbs; it always has. I have to be extremely active (as in several hours of cardio/exercise per day) to handle a normal range of starch carbs. And my body is no longer up for that challenge. I've been denying that very idea for years. More years than I'd like to admit.

The one great thing about the Atkins diet is that it keeps me far more mindful of using fresh ingredients, which is actually a big deal for my health. I have an allergy to soy that has progressed to extremes as well as a gluten-intolerance. Prepackaged and processed foods won't cut it now or ever again. Eating out is going to be a pain in the ass but hopefully still manageable.

I've been good this whole week keeping to the Induction stage...except for coffee. I like coffee too much. And I love creamers and splenda. Sir can attest to how much of a frickin coffee fiend I am, haha!! Someone is liable to get stabbed if I don't get coffee, and considering I'm close to that by not having all the sugary carbs I want, I get to keep my coffee. But for the rest, I'm really on top of everything. I've already lost 5-6 pounds and I feel INCREDIBLE. Yeah, I know. It means my body likes being fed this way better.

One thing Sir really admires about me, once I get an idea and want to pursue it, I make it happen. Typically immediately, I'm all over it. I decided I was going to get back to eating healthy and I started that day. Hopefully I can continue with it and stick to eating better overall. I do love all the fatty meat I can eat so I guess that kind of makes up for lack of sugar cabs. And once I do lose the weight, then I can splurge every now and then.

I do have legitimate fun things to talk about but this post has taken on a life of its own, heh. So I'll tell you about all the nifty planning that Lisa and I have been doing for our birthdays next time. Our bdays are only a few weeks apart and we're planning an incredibly fun getaway for us. :-D