Lots of holidays going on, so I'll make a quick list of it. :)
Happy Easter!
Blessed Ostara!
Chag Pesach Kasher veSameach!!
As for me, I have a basket filled with goodies. I didn't have time to do dyed eggs this year. The little is sad about this. Next year though!! Tonight there will be a delicious dinner, pretty traditional Easter fare.
I did have a lovely Ostara, which is technically the Spring Equinox, but gets looped in with Easter because modern day celebrations have pagan roots. It snowed where I was on Ostara, which greatly amused me. The days before and day of were spent in the great company of several pagan friends.
The spring cleaning bug has bit me good this year. I've been in a cleaning mood. Feeling the urge to scrub the home top to bottom. I may do just that before Sir arrives.
Oh dear, we were talking about details for Friday. There's a home invasion scenario planned. I'm in so much trouble!!! I was told to be in clothing He can destroy. So I have a bra, panties, stockings and dress He can mess and fuss up however He pleases. I have a feeling there will only be tattered remains by the time He's done with me.
He may be wearing a mask, just to enhance the illusion. I'd be lying if I didn't say a small part of me is nervous. I've not done anything with consensual nonconsent to this intense of a scene. But I'm also really, really excited!!!! It's going to be a lot of fun! And I think my nervousness will help out with the scene as fear sets in. Yum!!!!
Some back story about the title "Sir" for us. Before we got together, I accidentally called Him "Sir" once. Mainly because I was having several conversations at the time and my mind switched to calling the Dominant man I'm speaking with by a proper title.
It may also speak to somewhat hidden desires at the time. I did so pine for His affections.
But even later, I placed the title of "Sir" upon Him. It was my choice, free will. Something Sir very much believes in. I have to "green light" most of what we do, precisely, so He knows a boundary isn't being crossed. It was my decision to give Him that honorific, and the rest that it entailed.
That's why He was teasing me. Because if I wish for Him to be my Master one day, it'll be something I freely give. Never something He'll demand of me.
The term "Master" carries a hefty amount of weight, for how it would be applicable to our lives. I do not mean using it in scene or bedroom only. I mean the full capacity of the Master/slave relationship.
We are not even close to being prepared to take that step. If it happens, it'll be several years from now. We are but at the beginnings of the evolution that is "Us". To rush would likely destroy what progress we've made.
I made it clear, and He agreed, that is a lifestyle...an ideal...that is currently beyond our reach. That's absolutely fine. My chains are far too loose to be suddenly pulled that tight.
Sir called the M/s relationship an admirable goal. Not quite a goal, at least not one I can set. It's a desire, nothing more at this point. I gave Him the "green light" not only for next weekend, but in general, to lead us on the paths He wishes us to take. I will follow, with a warm and open heart.
Again, longer term desires and plans. The power is there for Him to grasp at His own pace. I simply offered it up for Him to be able to do such.
We're stuck with each other, He tells me. Maybe not the most romantic, but I see His sense of humor in it.
This all started because I was riled up which in turn leads to lots of fantasies. Confession time: I refer to Him as more than just Sir in those fantasies.
The one in question that was brought up was "Master" because I almost slipped it into our conversation. I would have wanted to sink into the earth if I hadn't caught myself. Then of course He had to tease me about it.
But the truth is that I have a desire for us to be M/s one day. I don't know if it's possible, nor how our version of M/s will turn out to be. But it's something I do want. We have talked in the past about how I'd make a good slave.
That's when I told Him that I don't plan on ever letting Him go either. Heh, Sir didn't think I would. And He has no intention of letting go of me. Hence, we're stuck with each other. I can think of worse things, heh.
That's where we are now. I'm His, and He's mine. More so than ever. It's a good place to be.
Oh, you're wondering what else I call Sir in fantasies??
Ah well...I know it's not really His thing. We've talked about it before. I do understand His reasoning and all. But sometimes in my fantasies, I call Him "Daddy", not in the sense of Age Play. But my protector, my guardian. The person I feel most safe around because He keeps me that way.
It's not a big deal. I know because He wants children of His own, He feels uncomfortable with the idea of it. Just because it's in my fantasies doesn't mean it needs to become a reality. He does a good job being my protector and supporter. The title is unnecessary at that point.
I'm almost hesitant to write about this, as it seems that when I talk about our plans they never come to fruition. I know it's not really the case and that this time is pretty much set. Sir is spending Friday evening until Sunday morning with me, April 5th to the 7th. Plans worked out that His usual obligations for Saturdays aren't occurring.
I told Sir that I'd have something special for dinner waiting for Him once He arrives after work. It was basically hinted that I surprise Him, when I asked if there was anything in particular He wanted. That's fine as I can be more flexible in what I can make. Hmmm, a "Taste of Home" magazine arrived in the mail the other day. Maybe I can find something new and interesting in there. Or it'll at least give me a good starting point.
I'm in for a long weekend. Sir warned me that I will be thoroughly worn out. And that He wants to take me in every possible room. Since He told me that, I've been staring at my home in a new light. I think more rope is in order. I look at my dining room table and all I see are possibilities. Not to mention I gave Him ideas for the headboard on my bed.
Just full of helpful ideas, He said. Oh Sir, I know. It's one of my better attributes, in my opinion.
Oh and the scenes...sensory deprivation. Objectification. Aided by toys and other fun implements. Those are only the parts I know about too...It's going to be a very interesting weekend. Sir offhandedly mentioned that sleeping may not be on the schedule for Friday. That doesn't bother me as nearly as much as it should, haha.
I am super excited to just have that time together. We haven't seen one another in over three weeks now. And haven't had a scene since earlier February, if I'm remembering right. That's FAR too long and I know He misses me as much as I do Him.
I'm sure some uninterrupted time together will do us both lots of good. :)
I'm home from the land of the vanillas. It's always interesting when the six of us get together. Especially since they're all not quite as vanilla as they claim. Yes, I corrupt everyone!! Haha! It's not my fault I had a flogger with me...and they wanted a demonstration...
Anyway, I have no idea what's going on with seeing Sir this weekend. Or any time in the near future. It sounds like I'll be leaving again next week. The whole isolation I desperately need? I might be getting that with the best friend and her baby boy. Especially since I still haven't seen her wedding dress, and it's been at least a month since I last saw her.
I'm decently well. Vanilla-land did its job in making me appreciate the openness that I find in the kink community at home. Because there's a fine line between corrupting and scarring vanilla friends. And heaven knows I can't scar my kink friends.
And I think the inner submissive might be returning. There's this burning desire to be bound, even if it's just my wrists. Or being on my knees before Sir. Running His hand through my hair. No Sadism, no masochism. Just domination, submission. Give and take of power.
The openness and trust that comes from D/s. That's what I want, what I'm craving. To give Sir the power He desires. Be His sweet, compliant kitten.
When I get home, I plan on spending time with Sir. I can't begin to explain how much I miss Him. While being in vanilla land is fun, and the kink world back home is sending me into a spiral of rage, I want that special place of balance that Sir and I create.
I told Him last night that I want to spend a few days together. Hibernate and be a hermit. No cell, no computer, no outside contact with the world. Because I need some time away from it all.
Also, we need to reconnect. Though last night's ranting and venting for 40 minutes helped. I think Sir thought my aggressive side was cute. Maybe hot as well since He wants to get "recreational" with that side of me. Strange man. But I told Him I'm game and will have fun with this. Only, He should keep in mind I'm liable to hit Him at some point or another.
Tentatively, I'll be seeing Him Sunday. We'll see if that happens and if this unbridled rage is still around for Him to poke and prod.
If this sounds like a terrible idea, you're likely right. But He's quite taller and stronger than I am, which has been proven several times over. So He'll be fine.
Being the sole morning person in the house I'm staying at, it falls to me to get coffee and other such things around. It is then that I notice there is no sugar. None, in any form, in this house. Having been to the store yesterday to stock up the place, I feel somewhat responsible to have forgotten sugar. I did however remember the very nice Italian sweet cream creamer so hopefully that'll make up for it. Considering I left quite a few other things back in my house, several hours away, this is just but one of the many things that I've been smacking my head about.
Apparently morning people are a rare breed. I don't mean those who get up early every day because they always have. I mean those who are wide awake and ready to go within a few minutes of waking up. That's me, all the time. I could wake up at 5-6 AM every day and be this way. In fact, for many years of my life, I did just that.
So as I wait for people to wake, and others to arrive, I thought I'd update here while I have to ability to do such.
As for last night's post, context...several conversations were had. Many which had been a long time coming. The BF still surprises me. Given I've known him for many years now, it's funny that he still has the ability to catch me completely off guard.
I think he's been reading up on polyamory and those types of relationships. Because he sounded fully prepared for the days when it'll be hard, painful, and trying. There's no illusion there. Granted, he has been here forever. This may just be a by-product of having gone through this before.
One thing he said made me chuckle a bit. Something to the affect of: "We'll both find a way to make you happy. If he (meaning Sir) is as smart as you say he is, this is something he already knows."
I told Sir that the BF and I often struggle with communicating. It's from a time long ago when I wasn't nearly so open or willing to be vulnerable. Given the last few days worth of conversations, I'm going to say that's changed.
As for Sir and I, we're sure to be having conversations at length when I get home. The game strategy has changed and we need to figure out what all that means.
The BF called me a "collector" of people. That's not an inaccurate description. I have them and the few others I've mentioned here. Sir is the closest, the BF about a half step behind. The others are a hand's length away, but with an upright palm welcoming them closer briefly when possible.
Sir thinks I've just been winging this. Heh, not at all. I have a very clear understanding of who I want where in my life. In fact, I've been emotionally setting things up to go that way for about as long as Sir has been around. It's just a matter of people being willing to go forward with how the pieces are set.
And that I will never hide who I am, nor those in my life. Perhaps a topic for another time but something to think about. Being poly is more than accepting the partner(s) of your significant other(s). There are social and economic responsibilities that come into play as well. Are you "out" and if so, to whom? What if not everyone wants or can be out about their lives? Do one or more of these relationships have the intent of being long term? Finances, vacations, children, houses. These are the realities of life and poly makes it ten times more complicated.
If it seems I am going with the flow in regards to the future, it means I do a very good job keeping some thoughts to myself. I'm well aware of conversations that will have to happen as well as decisions that will be made.
I came into this blog with more than one working relationship. That has not changed. Nor is this the first time I've had these rounds of conversations with partners, though I'd argue that these two have the potential to be the most serious. Sir has the outlook of not wanting to let me go and the BF is ready to do what he can to make this work. Sounds quite serious to me and I am all too well aware that I'm not allowed to screw things up in the mean time.
I'm out of town and will be for a while. I miss Sir already, though it's been nice where I am. So vague, I know.
I don't know how often I'll be posting but I will be checking in and reading others blogs as much as possible.
There's been some stress already, but that's from back home issues. It seems to have sorted itself out until I can deal with it upon my return. Sir is worried, the BF is worried...I'm optimistic and hopeful. We'll see how it all plays out.
Speaking of them...maybe they aren't so bad at figuring things out after all???
The BF may be more dominant than I suspected. More accepting, especially of Sir. Had moments of poignant reflection, including of making things work because if total possession isn't possible, then my happiness is the next best thing. Might have some more long term potential than I would have guessed too.
As for Sir, we had a conversation before I left. I wasn't too thrilled with it, even if I understood His intentions. Maybe He can be accept things as they stand for the long haul as well. But that's a conversation for another time, many months down the road.
If they're willing to try...I sure as hell I willing to give it a go and do what I can to make things run as smoothly as possible.
Sir and I had a very long conversation yesterday. I won't say I'm "better" because I'm not. I likely won't be for quite some time. Though brief, it was a dark and deep depressive episode. One that would be very easy to spiral back down into.
He talked me through tears and anger and walls and pain.
We don't know exactly what triggered it as there are a number of possibilities. Heck, it could have been the combination.
There was a lot of hope and light amid our conversation. There had to be in order for my mind to not be so heavily weighed down today.
Did y'all know He fell for me? It must seem so obvious. He says that He's told me this before. I'm sure He has but that doesn't mean my mind will ever remember it.
I do remember the day He was over for dinner. It was in September. We were talking about "us", as is usually the case. I remember He told me that He could walk away and it might hurt a little at first, but He'd quickly get over it. That's the kind of screwed up shit my mind remembers. But His response to my bringing that up was very sweet.
Yeah, I said that once. Doesn't mean it's still true. Nor is your submissive aspect the only good thing about you. You are the best part of you. Not what you can do or what you can be, but you.
Heh, I don't see it, at all. It's the submissive little kitten people like. Not the broken, twisted thing that hides behind it.
[JAS], I didn't fall for the kitten. I fell for the woman. The first time I saw you, I saw it all and decided that all of you was worth knowing and cherishing.
He said this other thing that made me smile when I thought of it as I was falling to sleep last night...
You are valuable, loved, and cared for. No matter what the demons and voices of doubt say.
If you say so, heh.
I do. I have. And I will.
And one last snippet of our conversation:
Does this mean you won't leave just because I'm screwed up, and may always be on some level?
I don't ever plan to leave.
Do you mean that the way I do?
How do you mean it?
I knew you were going to ask that...I was asking if you were saying that as my friend or my lover.
I will always say it as a friend, and for the foreseeable future I say it as a lover.
The voices of doubt didn't quite know how to react to that, heh. It's hard to cling onto such things when He's basically saying He wants to stay by my side and that He cherishes me. One could even almost possibly infer that He loves me.
I wouldn't infer such things, LOL...but the evidence is there for someone to do such.
Sir stayed with me when I was (am?) at one of the darkest places I've been in years. It's not the first time He's seen the depression. I have to keep reminding myself that He's never left. That He doesn't want to leave me to deal with it alone. Instead He pulls me closer and tries to make it okay.
I'm not used to that. After at least 15 years of depression, no one has reacted the way He has. No one seems to understand what I need to get through it like He does. No, it's not constant and He says I'm making progress. For the first time, I don't feel like this incomprehensible person, who makes people run for the hills the moment the clinical depression makes an appearance.
Yes, I am a broken human being. And yet, He wants me anyway. There's something to be said for that.
I have a problem. I walled myself in damn good this time. My inner submissive is buried deep and is glaring at the most recent attempts at being released.
I was out with friends last night. One guy is someone I've been friends with for nearly two years now. A great friend who is really fun to banter around with. He was trying to help the inner sub out, and we got nothing. Normally, I melt whenever someone grabs the back of my hair. There was literally no response. It was frustrating and heart breaking.
I sent off a text or two to Sir about it. Because He should know that I'm struggling and that I'm really off right now.
Honestly, this feels like when I first started this journey. Submitting to my first Dom was downright difficult and I fought back a lot. Submission was a struggle. As much as I craved it, I mentally resisted. To the point where it didn't always make an appearance.
Funny that Sir used the word "assertive" because that side is in full force. Reminds me of the old days, before I embraced the submission and what that meant for me. There was never a doubt that I was going to get exactly what I wanted. I led projects, events, groups, etc and things were done my way.
The deeper I delved into submission, the less of that assertive person I was. It didn't matter as much to me to always do or have things be my way. I became more focused on others. Making them happy and enhancing their lives. Giving people the gentle push to step up to be more.
The past few days? The sweet, gentle submissive has been missing. I miss that part of myself. I'm much more comfortable with that part of me. Seeing how assertive I am without that submissive balance, I'm not as much of a fan as I used to be. What I remembered and the reality are very different. The submissive is far more compassionate.
Doesn't help that the assertive personality and the sadistic nature go together smashingly. That's not really who I am, not anymore.
So I'm off to find and dismantle the walls that I put up. Or figure out why the submissive side would suddenly up and hide deep within me. Because there's no way I'm going to continue on like this for any length of time.
Last night, I went for a different tactic as I laid in bed unable to sleep. This is unusual for me; I sleep like a rock most nights. Though last night may have had to with changing the clocks. Always hate that crap every year.
I laid in bed repeating in my mind all the reasons for why I should trust Him to stay and trust His continued interest. There's a long list, one I was able to hold on tight to again.
Not to mention that He thought my long text where I poured my heart out was "very sweet".
Over the weekend, it was made a little clear that I need my leash reigned in a bit. Maybe that's part of why I was in a bad head space. When I start antagonizing Doms who can normally still me with a look, and a spanking doesn't get me back into a submissive mood, there's definitely a problem there...
I mentioned my musings earlier this morning to Sir. Unfortunately, I'm going to be out of town and basically unavailable for a while. Or else I'd be getting a nice, lovely scene. Though, I'm sure we can think of something to bring us together a bit more.
Heh, when I told Him about the fun over the weekend (which He seemed sad to have missed. I need to get Him out to these things more.), He commented that my behavior wasn't dominant but assertive. That's what I thought...our friends think otherwise. And this is why Sir wins, lol. No dominant part of this sub!!
Found out I have a bratty side, which is how I brought up the part where I think I need a bit more control. Or just a good reminder that I'm an obedient submissive. I was with R and K over the weekend. Normally K can grab me by the throat and I'm nearly in subspace. Not the case this time. I was playfully teasing K, saying that I didn't have to obey him. That he couldn't make me do anything. (I know, I know...I'm so going to pay for that at a later time...)
K got real close and threatened, "No, but I know who can." Yeah...that would be Sir. He pulled a trump card, damn it! Even that night, I got wide eyed. Because well, other Doms are just fun people to play with.
Sir? Oh no. I obey Sir. There is no question there. I'm sweet, compliant, submissive. There is no challenging Him because I know better. LOL!
One well placed look, a handful of hair = weak kneed, open exposed subbie.
Which is frankly what I might need at the moment. A reassertion of dominance that good girls don't behave such ways, unless told otherwise. Even I realize it was a craving to be put in my place that brought on the Brat. Granted, fun was had by all. It's a playful brat.
So that's where I'm at: Needing my Sir.
His loving care, dominance, possession.
Pretty sure the "little voice" would quiet down too, as it's hard to argue when pulled in close and reminded of exactly who owns me. :-)
The ex I mentioned from yesterday's post is the reason why I struggle with maintaining hope. That guy did quite a number on me.
Sir knows a bit about that relationship. I think He sees it as a very bad decision I made and what a mess it was. I can't agree nor disagree with that. It was what it was, though I know it wasn't my smartest decision.
I was pretty well crushed when it ended. Some of the internal chains are from that relationship, and the strict control of another that picked up soon after it.
I had to have a lot of hope. Remain positive and believe that things would be better, easier, less complicated.
There had to be a lot of trust, too. I exposed myself mentally and emotionally in ways I had never done before...nor since. The ex-Dom I was with when this blog started asked for those levels of openness and I couldn't give it to him. I was too broken and shattered to find the pieces, let alone hand them over.
With Sir, it's been a lot of baby steps. I know He's always seen the wounds, been trying to help me heal them.
I really didn't want hope back. I didn't want to place myself out there again to be vulnerable. Apparently I just can't help myself. I must be that much of a masochist.
I look at what Sir and I have, and some part of me believes it can only end one way: with a whole lot of pain and heartache. I've tried from the beginning to not be so jaded. I know it's a chance every relationship takes. But it's the part of me that's still picking up the pieces of my heart, waiting for all that work and healing to come undone again.
He's given me no reason to think this. Very much the opposite and there's proof throughout this blog. I know He doesn't want to make promises He can't keep, something I've always appreciated. I want to make it clear that I in no way blame Him for any of this, nor hold Him accountable for not fixing it.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. Only that I have thoughts in my mind, fears and doubts. All internal. I'm trying to work on them and keep them out of this blog, as well as our relationship. But I realized, I don't trust Sir to stay in my life.
If there's a way to fix that, I don't know it. I trust Him with a lot, so much in fact. Just not to stay. Which I know leads to insecurities and jealousy...I know this and I don't like it. I'm doing what I can to keep it away from affecting and hurting our relationship.
There's so much that's good and amazing between us. We've barely even begun and it has the possibility to be even more incredible.
But that little voice is there, nagging at the back of my mind. More so, as of late. I don't expect anyone to do anything about it. It's my burden to bear. I couldn't keep it inside and to myself anymore though.
It's funny what knocks me back into reality, from a depressive state.
I received an email this morning from an ex. A jerk who turned into a bully and an asshole.
It was a stupid generic thing. Nothing of importance, not that it would have mattered.
This guy broke my heart and then tried to trample it into a thousand little pieces. And basically threatened to out and expose me.
I'm past the point of being sad. Past being angry. Yeah seeing that email startled me. But it didn't even hurt me.
Which is saying a lot, considering how into my head the guy got. It speaks to healing that I thought would never come.
It was the jolt I needed to fight back. It was seeing clearly what a jerk he was and how good my life is.
There's a lot of amazing people who love and support me. In the depressive haze, I couldn't mentally grab at any of that. As if it was all an illusion, teasing me but not real enough to stand up to the pain.
Not until this morning. That guy (i don't want to call him a man) caused a lot of very real pain. But if I can heal from that, then the pain of depression doesn't seen nearly as scary or overwhelming.
I don't care about that ex anymore. He stopped deserving that a long time ago. But, sometimes the past can be useful in showing how good the present is. And my present, with ALL the people in my life, is worth fighting the depression tooth and nail.
It's nice being able to strongly hold on to that again.
It's apparently going to be one of those weeks. I'm lying sick in bed, not sure what I have. I was fine one minute, felt like I had been punched in the gut, then sick ever since. I thought I was fighting a panic attack at first, until I realized there was no panic. Lovely, right?
There's just been so much stress lately. Especially the last few weeks. So much so that I think my period decided it wanted no part of me this month. It occurred to me last night in bed that it was about a week late. I run like clockwork every three weeks. Except when I'm super stressed out.
My screwed up mind decided to take this idea and run with it. I dreamed I was pregnant last night. And it wasn't even happy pregnant dreams. Everyone was pissing me off, lol.
For the record, no I really don't think I'm pregnant...one has to have sex to have that happen, lol...Yes, I'll still test if it hasn't come by next week, just in case. So no one has to panic because I'm not worried.
I'm simply illustrating how my mind takes twisted pleasure in torturing me. Evil sadistic monster. Lol!
I may be less myself today. Left over dredges of depression mixed with sickness and meds don't often make for the nicest submissive, hahaha.
Today was one of those days where reason was thrown out the window. It snuck up on me while in the shower. Then I cried for an hour and I only stopped because I had places to be tonight.
Fucking sucks.
Even now, all I want is to curl up and cry. For no rational reasons, though my mind would like to convince me otherwise.
Hoping I wake up without all these thoughts and shitty feelings.
Now that I've gotten all the mess from the last post out of the way...
Saturday was actually a whole lot of fun. We made fun food, fajitas. Watched more "Chuck" and I find myself loving that show more with every episode. Though He may have mentioned playing Rock Band next time. When I said that I'm not adept at doing different things with each hand, He had the horrendous delightful idea of having me sing...
I'd almost rather learn how to play whatever gaming system He has. Some background, I haven't played a video game since Sega Genesis was popular. I can play some mini games for Final Fantasy really well. I believe that was on the PS2. The kind where you have to press one or two buttons as fast as you can. I can do that, lol.
It's like trying to hit a baseball with a bat. I never quite figured out how to do that. Feet work, as with soccer, no problem. Get my hands involved? I become more than useless. It's a little sad, heh. So we'll see how the video game stuff goes. I'll give it a try, to make Him happy.
I also got to do the happy-we-had-sex-dance. Yes, there is a dance like such: booty dance or this version. Though I now imagine Sir is going to want to see this dance...
We didn't scene, just a fun romp in the sack. I've noticed He's likes me on top so He can squeeze my throat. He found a new spot that uses both of His thumbs, I think. I was a tad preoccupied at the time. All I know it was hot as hell. Pretty sure He had put my hands behind my back. His hands around my neck as I'm slightly leaning over Him, of course riding His cock, mmmm! Then He squeezed my throat and said, "Now" which is my cue to have an orgasm.
I liked that, a lot. I'm shivering remembering it. I also enjoy being on top. (and Sir likely knows exactly where I'm going with this...) Mainly because I can control the muscles in my pussy better. I can get very tight. I do love watching Him get wide eyed. He was enjoying it as much as I was. Plus, when Sir thrusts up His cock hits a really fantastic spot.
So yeah, our sex life is very good, lol. Especially when all it takes is some kissing before we're both ready to pounce each other.
Everything is pretty damn good, even if I was a bit panicked. It's one of the parts of our relationship I love. That we deal with the issues, and not just the emotional by-products. It was maddening in past relationships to be given a metaphorical pat on the head and shooed off to deal with things on my own. Sir never does that.
I've noticed that I process concerns better because of that actually. The consistency of His unwavering support helps keeps the worst of the fears at bay. He's a good man and I'm very lucky to have Him. :-)
I knew I wouldn't like that conversation, though for not the reasons I expected. Too many thoughts racing around my mind. Trying to make sense of them.
We give a lot of ourselves in TTWD, in varying levels. As a sub, I've presented myself on a platter to previous Doms. Not all of me, but large enough portions that I'm still trying to break free of some emotional and mental chains.
Always freely given, even when there was some wrestling in the moment. Because there is no shoving D/s into a box and forgetting it. This is who I am. Those previous relationships, and even the existing chains, let the submissive free. A gateway to understanding myself.
My first Dom was maybe the worst for me. Yet, there's a song he sent me. It's still on my computer. I even listen to it now and then. He got the least of me but he threw open the door. When I'm struggle, and I do sometimes, I listen to that. I recall how I arrived at this point. How innocent I was and how even with the wrong man, submission was still oh-so-right.
I spent a long time fighting and struggling with polyamory. My view of relationships comes from a monogamous perspective and poly is far more complex. What is "normal" is relationship dependent in polyamory. Yet, I find myself trying to fit relationships (okay, one in particular) into the monogamous mold.
Doesn't work like that. I have Sir, a BF, regular play partners, and people I consider a second family who I on occasion play with.
What about that is normal??? In my world, I guess that has become the norm. All that open loving and treating people equaling seems to have expanded my world.
Yet...that doesn't negate the craving for a husband. Where we have that white picket fence with a dungeon in the basement. Children who we idolize. Growing old together...I thought I had found that. I didn't. Crash and burn spectacular. I had given up hope on that traditional life. Told myself I would never live with another partner. That was the fastest way to ruin a relationship...And the desire is still there, haunting me.
I know the ideas aren't contradicting, poly and the happily ever after. Complicated, sure. But I know people who make it work, and do it amazingly well.
There are parts of me I can't change, no matter how much I fight them. I want children. Beautiful little boys and girls. James, Marie, Alexander, Cassandra, and Emily. I want them all and have since I was a young teenager. My dream of a family that I swear sometimes God makes a mockery of, but I keep hoping for it to be a reality one day.
I am poly. Maybe while raising kids, I would focus more on monogamy, or closed poly. I have tried monogamy. I would try again, if I thought it stood a chance of working.
So what does this all have to do with Sir and I? A little bit, but I'll get to that. This is partially where our conversation directed my thoughts. That I may see most or all the pieces of who I am, but I'm still trying to figure out how to put them all together.
That I take our relationship, or whatever else you want to call it, seriously. I handed over my submission to Him. I have every intention of taking Him up on making this "Fetlife official", heh. I take my love for Him seriously, even if I don't know what all it will mean for us.
So, when Sir told me He doesn't want to share me, I took that seriously. Sat with it and pondered. What I would give for His happiness, and still be happy myself. This is what I signed up for, with the D/s. It wasn't all to do with help with orgasms, or a physical attraction to Him. Instead, it meant that I was willing to compromise; to do what I could to make His life happier and more fulfilled.
Because I want Him to be the person who helps me take all the pieces and assemble them into something coherent. And maybe I shouldn't be saying this, not yet. But it's not a goal. Just a wish and a dream, like so many I've held close to my heart.
But none of this is what you've been
waiting to hear about...
He said that He may not like sharing me, but He doesn't like exercising either. That doesn't mean it's not something necessary. And He pointed out that He never asked me not to pursue other interests. He wants me to do what will make me happy. Not in relation to anyone else, but for myself. Be a little selfish.
Heh, selfish? Hahaha...Sir, have you met me? Selfish is asking for a commitment beyond the vague "if I say something, then I consider it a promise", once it's possible. I know it's not yet and it is coming soon. But damn I want to show you off. Do happy dances of joy that I can admit to being yours. Selfish is not letting another woman ever touch my Sir, ever again, because I don't want to share you. Because I don't want to ever give you up.
Selfish also isn't me. I am a giver. I am happy making others happy. I don't need much. I have survived with far less than what I have now. This is content. The time I spend with Sir, those are my moments of happiness. Joy and bliss.
Maybe this isn't the explanation that was expected.
