Not a happy christmas

It's Christmas. It's the holiday season. I don't feel it today and I haven't felt anything leading up to it. May as well be just another Sunday.

I'm not happy. I don't think I'm depressed (the worrying kind; there's always some element of it around). I've been sad and angry a lot to the point where I shut down. I'm still feeling and experiencing those emotions, all emotions, but they feel distant and obscure.

I don't feel connected to other people, even those I'm closest to, though few they are. I feel very alone. It's not the first time I've felt this way over the years.

It's like there's a delay. I don't know if it's from depression, the meds I had been taking, coping mechanisms. Regardless, a lot has happened over the last two and a half years. The bulk of it being over the last two years.

Shortly after Chris and I broke up, friendships began ending as well. There were a lot of issues, both underlying and immediate, that caused a lot of problems across the board. That group of friends no longer exists. I have individual friendships with people but the support network is gone.

I've explained what happened with local friends, but things started falling apart in places before that. I saw the end coming.

And Steve. One of the few people I've met who made me feel like I wasn't actually alone.

As I sit here crying on yet another holiday, I just...I'm envious of other people. Who have somewhere to go on holidays, people to be with. And I don't. I haven't for years now, but it hurts all the same.

I'm tired of feeling so terribly alone.

This isn't even the scope of what I'm feeling, just a peek behind the curtain. And I'm not going to be able to see my therapist at all in January. Possibly not February either.

I'm physically and mentally tired so I should just go to bed. That's the best choice for now.

My mind is being entirely unhelpful

It's 10pm and my phone goes off. A text. No one messages me at this hour. Not anymore. As my thumb is about to hit messages, I wonder for the briefest part of a second...

Lisa is asking about tomorrow and what time I'll be there.

And I'm angry, sad, and a bit confused why I would think for even the slightest amount of time possible that it would be him.

I thought the expectations had long passed.

I'm angry because I came across a song by chance that summed up perfectly why I made the right decision to walk away. "I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you" there's plenty more to the song but that right there was killing me and literally driving me insane.

It's apparently a remix of the original but I like this better. Everything she sings is what I've been feeling, though not in its entirety. But close enough to the whole.

It's strange to miss someone so much that the sound of a text message can evoke hope. Yet simultaneously want to watch their world burn and be the cause of it. I'm sure the Germans have a word for it; they have one for everything.

I didn't just leave for my sake. I tried to explain that at the time but he wouldn't listen. I doubt he thinks I'm capable of destroying him. If he truly believes that, more the fool.

Forgotten

Therapy has been difficult and utterly exhausting as of late. It wasn't only the meds slowing down my mind, clouding it. A series of events happened between the summer of '08 to late spring of '09. That was the beginning.

I have had other abusers and trauma, but none like the Ex. I hid myself so completely that I began having trouble recalling memories at will. Any memories. There were mainly partial flashes of pieces that only sort of made sense.

It was the months leading up to meeting Steve that parts of me began to emerge again. But there were things I didn't want back. Pieces that even hidden had been cracked and torn apart. I fought my damnedest and in the end, I'm here now with mostly everything. Enough that it feels like a complete picture, story once more.

I never quite understood the full extent of the damage done so it was impossible to relay it to anyone else. I'm still afraid, daily. I take klonopin these days to hold myself together from and away from that fear than anything else that goes on in my mind.

My memories only tormented me to the point of breaking because of current fear. And while the that against me lessening drastically has helped significantly, I can't shake the feeling of helplessness. Of feeling like I'm falling and don't know when I'm going to land. Of the unknown and unknowable. Because where someone threatening could be and having no idea, is a daily horror for me.

I don't talk about the Ex for good reason.

But memories. That's what has been the issue this whole time. Not being able to get to important details. Forgetting some things entirely. My therapist and I stumbled upon something on Wednesday that I wish I could take the words back.

Some things are better left forgotten. It is something I thought was completely and thoroughly examined. From every angle. Every rationale. Understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, even pity.

It seems I missed something. And given what I talked about with fear being a catalyst to losing memories, I have to wonder when I forgot this piece.

At its very core, the reason why I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with me because it was put there. In words, actions, inaction, perception.

Screwed up shit to do to a 7 year old, though it only continued from there.

And I know my therapist well enough to know that he realizes we touched on something major so there's no letting this far. Not that he should. It does all interconnect in a sickening way.

That time of my life has been fragmented at best, even not long after. I honestly don't know if I want those pieces, if I want to remember. Some things are better left forgotten.

I wonder if you'll ever read this

I remember. Oh yes, I remember. It's amazing what coming off of topamax does for mental clarity. There's a consensus topamax may be why I'm having taste issues. Regardless, no more clawing at concrete to find the simplest of words, to do math, and most importantly, remember.

How you told me about the trail of hearts broken and how they all ended up angry with you in the end. How people leave when your purpose to them is filled. How broken your heart was when we met and how I was the one to make you smile again. Why you hadn't dated and the reasons for it.

I remember telling you I was different. And I was. I am. I helped you heal. Soothed the wounds. Was the instrument to let out your pain and I would take it with joy. Allowed you to be what you wanted, needed to be...but I never forgot how that worked out in the end.

And how you said I was so you had been searching for your whole life. I remember the cold, the movie we saw, the whole conversation in the diner. I remember so clearly again.

How you said one day you'd cause me pain. I knew pain. I could always take that. I would have done it again and again and again because it's who I am. It's what makes me different.

I remember your fear of being in your current relationship and hurting her like you did me. Like the others. I couldn't fully assuage your doubts because I had them too. I still do.

But in this moment, I'm not angry. Just as I wasn't angry after things ended. I knew what I signed up for. Silly me, I'd likely do it all again knowing what it would mean. You never did understand what submission meant and how fully devoted I was, until the very very end. I would have stayed if you asked because you're my addiction.

I remember every step of how things got to that point. How I got there. You likely still think that I was happy being in a Catholic church again. No no no. I was happy to be with you and share something of my past, something that had such an impact, with you. I didn't have the heart to correct you at the time.

I remember and while my heart is breaking in ways you'll never comprehend, my mind is calm and focused. All the pieces are there, the questions answered.

I remember and that is enough.

My mistake

I took it off the shelf in my mind. On a tight leash with fraying threads. Uncontrolled moments.

Pain anger heartache, enough to tear apart my mind

Again, if I'm not careful

I was not ready to talk to my therapist. Open the wounds that had barely begun to heal.

I made a mistake. Believing I was stronger. Ready.

Back on the shelf it goes. Until another time.

Resignation and Regrets

I wish I had never met Steve.

It's a thought that's been ruminating for some time. When I'm so angry that a flip switches and suddenly I'm aching and crying. Or when the anger and sadness intertwine into a flurry that my mind tries to escape from, but can't anymore. I come close to disassociating yet I believe because of how long I've been on klonopin, I can't.

Honestly, I can't say which is worse: disassociating or the flurry that threatens to consume me.

I'm angry that I need to grieve at all because he's not worth it. But I guess it's not really about him. I have all these memories and feelings that I need to reconcile and learn to live with. They will never truly leave me.

It's why I wish I had never met him and there are very few people on that list surprisingly.

I'm still recovering from the worst depressive episode of my life. Knowing I was going to kill myself in 2015, I've been busy dealing with all of that with my therapist. Taking apart the pieces that led me there and trying to make some sort of peace. Steve was a part of that. Not a large part, but one of the more recent pieces.

I wasn't of sound mind to process breaking up. Had things happened differently, maybe, but I can't change that. I was too busy trying to fight a much larger demon in my mind.

And in the end, I lost my friend anyway.

That's the thing, on my list of priorities, processing the breakup and end of the friendship isn't even on my top ten. I have day to day things, my health, my relationship with Frank, dealing with a ton of other issues in therapy.

Depression is a constant and even my best days, it's still there. That comes first or worse things will happen.

I will get to everything with Steve, little by little over time. But it's not going to look like how I guess I imagine most people process this kind of stuff. I've had bigger issues to worry about long before he and I ever met, and those continue to exist.

So I do; I wish he and I had never met but it's something I can't change. Which I realize is something I'll need to work on before acceptance begins. For now, I'm settling with resignation.

Grief

I finally talked about the grief and it's horrible stages I've been going through with my therapist today. Yes, we talked about Steve for the first time since I told him how I ended the friendship. It led to a windy path where I learned that present grief will often bring up feelings and connections to past grief.

That would explain dreaming about both Craig and Steve. Why a lingering shadow of a "friendship" has been haunting me lately. We're friends on Facebook so I get a glimpse into her life, nothing more. My heart still hurts every time she's sad.

I don't deal with loss and grief very well.

I also don't have it in me right now to go into all the details from therapy. I might still be processing.

It's real now, in a way it wasn't before. Not that I was in denial, but my therapist is different. It means something has shifted or processed enough for me to confront things on an entirely new level. So it's real. And it hurts again like it hasn't hurt since I said goodbye.

A normal relationship? Me?

My phone buzzes; I no longer expect it to be him. So that's some kind of progress. There's still the occasional dream where Steve and/or Chris are there. Yeah, it's been almost two years since I broke up with Chris, but the total loss of contact and friendship is still on my mind. I know I love too deeply and care too strongly to ever forget them. It's not like I've forgotten the others...

The pain is fading. Every day is a little easier than the last. It's a strange thing to miss people who are good people and yet be healthier without them. I've lost friends for the same reason. Romantic partners are simply harder for me to emotionally detach from.

Chris will never come back to even say hello to try to reclaim a friendship. Not only because of the breakup but from other circumstances around the same time. From his perspective and knowing him so well, I can't say I blame him for his choices.

If y'all haven't been able to tell from over the years, Steve is about respecting personal choice when it doesn't conflict with his personal ethical code. We all know how well that works out, heh. But in this matter, he will respect my good bye and don't expect to ever hear from me as final. He'll never push or test that boundary. It makes him an honorable man in many ways.

So, two closed doors that might as well be walls at this point.

As for current situations, some personal issues came to a head last night between Frank and I. We'll be fine and were able to talk things out. It's general life problems people have who live together. We have plans and we'll work on them. Honestly, it's all incredibly healthy and normal.

I'm used to...not this. That's why I don't bring up Frank all that often, even with my therapist. There's nothing to talk about, unless y'all want to hear about the mundane life of two people who do pretty normal things.

Kink has been put on hold due to health issues on my end. I do have an appointment with a geneticist in January, which will hopefully answer a few questions from other doctors and myself.

Medical insurance has been squared away for next year and I won't lose my therapist. That was a very real concern. January might be tough because I now have co-pays. I never did before. This plan is a little weird, not for that, but it's unlike anything I've ever been covered by in my life. It's a great plan, but I had to have someone explain it for 30 minutes on the phone.

No news yet on taste and why it's missing. Everyone (but the doctor who prescribes it) is kind of pointing to one of my meds so I may have to slowly come off and see what happens. I'm sure that will have interesting withdrawal symptoms. Joy.

I know this is a bit all over the place, but it has been a while. I need to work on that. One of these days.

A sad state of affairs

I have never written a political post before but I am now. As things stand, it looks like Trump will be President...fuck everything about that sentence. The Senate and House will be Republican controlled.

And I have never been more afraid for my life.

I should be asleep but I can't sleep. My friends can't sleep; and it's all I'm seeing and reading. We're too terrified. Besides being the fuck out of dodge and saying fuck off America.

What I can't believe is the astounding amount of people who voted against their own self interests. Because unless someone is white and wealthy, Trump and current Republicans have nothing to offer anyone else.

Why am I terrified? I'm going to lose my health insurance. I only have any because of the affordable care act. And Congress no longer has anyone in their way to eliminate it.

I'm a woman. In a Trump world, I'm not even a second class citizen. I'm poly, kinky, pagan.

But on a larger scale, war is coming. Global war has been coming and America's future is now in the hands of someone with the emotional stability of a toddler.

I actually wonder if there is a safe place to be found anywhere.

The dollar has already tanked. Stocks are down. A true economic depression is coming.

What started as a light hearted statement to pull resources together and leave the country has become a real idea in less than 24 hours. Because we didn't think he could win. We didn't believe the American people would fall for his bullshit and lies and hatred and bigotry.

We were wrong.

So I'm going to do a lot of research because I no longer feel safe living in this country and I want out before all hell breaks loose. While I'm still able to leave.

May whatever God you believe in have pity and mercy on America, because it needs it.

A good reminder of how far I've come

I woke up to an email from a former Dom of mine. It was an online only relationship. I could have sworn I had filtered all of his email addresses, but it wouldn't surprise me if I missed one. It could even be a new one.

He has been sending me messages sporadically since he ended things back at the end of 2011. Yep, five years ago. Basically his message was short and summed up how he was wandering back in to say hello after five years.

This was back when I was still with the Ex. Just for context.

This former Dom took advantage of the really horrible situation I was in and used it to his advantage. So I had two abusive dicks in my life during that time. Though the former Dom was only emotionally abusive.

So, this morning I finally wrote him back. Told him what all happened with the Ex. The Ex has a police and court record because of what he did to me. Arse. And that former Dom was getting his only warning to stay the hell away.

I'm not even close to the person I was five years ago. Or a year ago. And that's something. So I'm actually thankful I got that message, in a weird way.

It was a clear reminder of how far I've come and grown as a person. And fuck manipulative, abusive people. There was a time when a message like that would have pulled at emotions from the past, made me remember the good times, have forgotten the bad times. I'm too easy to forgive people at times.

But this is a clear reminder that I'm stronger than the manipulation. And that's such a great feeling.

I hate my insurance company!

My insurance company is trying to piss me off, I swear. They won't approve the MRI because they don't believe it's medically necessary. They want more tests and treatments done first...

No one knows what's wrong so how can it be treated? Apparently anything to do with losing taste at any level is a bad sign and go see a doctor immediately symptom. Hence the MRI to rule out the really bad stuff. Not all of it, just stuff that needs immediate attention.

So instead, I'm getting migraine treatments to show that it's not that. And the blood tests came back normal. I'm also on anti nausea meds because something is going on with my digestive tract. But not anything severe. Just annoying levels of dizzy, painful, and nauseating.

But more reasons why my insurance company is annoying me. I went to pay them today and the option was gone from their website. So I called, freaking out that something had happened, but they're just fucking around with the website for the new year.

Best of all, I received a letter in the mail saying my current plan will no longer be available next year but here's a new plan that's comparable, except in price. It's $140 more a month. I sure as heck can't afford that.

I'm going to have to switch companies but I have no idea who to switch to as I have so many frickin doctors and I don't know who takes what. And so much for the email saying the health care marketplace was open. Liars. They're working on their website too...on the days open enrollment begins.

Just fuck all of this bullshit trying to get things done. So much for being proactive and trying to get better.

Rambling Again

I have a mess of topics to talk about but I'll try to be as concise as possible.

First I was right about the lab work. However I wasn't expecting another mri of my brain. Don't know when that will be just yet. I'm trying not to panic about it. Trying.

Wednesday, my birthday, was up and down. It was still one of my better birthdays, which is slightly depressing. The medical stuff didn't help with any of that and had me on edge the whole day. Still, I had a good day with Frank and spent the evening with friends.

Ever since I was a kid I've always kept journals. When I left, or go quiet for long periods of time, I returned to the pen and paper. It's the only way to escape feeling trapped in my mind.

I know I've talked quite a bit about Steve since that friendship ended. I have here. Not with my therapist. I will one day but I don't have all the right words for that as of now. Part of that is Steve was unique to my life in so many ways. Being the only person who could help me escape my own mind is one of them.

I miss not feeling so utterly alone. I miss the person who felt like a piece of me.

It took me a little bit to realize I'm going through the stages of grief. And I hate that. Can I skip right to acceptance?

I'm fairly certain he doesn't read here anymore. Why would he? I told him that I was leaving because he was toxic to me and I needed to get away with what was left of my sanity.

The constant daily agony is gone. So there is that. I do wish it hadn't gotten to that point. That there was a way of mending things between us.

Because at times I'm that foolish, optimistic little girl who believes the world can't really be as bad as it is and that nothing is irreversible. And I'd be lying if every time I get a text message, I don't open my phone wondering if it'll be him saying hello.

Happy Birthday and Have Fun Seeing Doctors!

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my neurologist to talk about the lack of some taste buds, as well as the burning/tingling mouth and tongue sensations. Of course I now have a chest infection on top of all this. It started a little bit last night and is full blown awful today. But seeing my neurologist came after a bunch of phone calls.

My psychiatrist is fairly certain it's not the med he has me on nor the leftover abilify. I'm also not allowed to start the new medication until someone determines what is going on. My primary doctor was thinking one med I take and since my neurologist prescribes it, I called him.

However, my neurologist is thinking it's another med altogether so that's why I'm going in at 8am tomorrow.

On my birthday no less. Woo, happy birthday to me LOL

If all of that sounded convoluted with the meds, it is. I have to keep a list in my phone so I remember what I take and how much. Plus I get an occasional injection from my neurologist and I'd have to look up whatever that is called because I've heard the name twice. I need to do that some time to add to my list.

Currently I take, Morning: 200mg gabapentin, .1mg florinef, 1mg klonopin, 50mg topamax; Afternoon: 300mg gabapentin; Nighttime: 300mg gabapentin, 1mg klonopin, 50mg topamax, 10mg baclofen

And then every 12 weeks, depo provera shot.

This is less medication than I've been on in the past. There are no antidepressants in that current list.

Two years ago, I was on nothing. And I can't even complain really about any of these. Topamax stops migraines. Gabapentin helps the fibro. Florinef keeps my adrenal system working properly. Klonopin stops the panic attacks and the constant freaking out. Baclofen is a muscle relaxer so I can move about without looking like I'm 80.

That last one is the med my neurologist thinks is the issue but he's not 100% sure. I see a blood test in my future, as in tomorrow. This is not how I imagined my birthday going but I should have expected it. I also do not imagine whatever is wrong getting resolved tomorrow or in the next few days. I'm just hoping it's not permanent, or something isn't seriously wrong. Because I'm trying not to think about that.

That's why I was so frustrated and angry in my last post.

Taste buds? Who needs those! Fml

So fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkk.

My taste buds are screwed up. Some things I just can't taste anymore. Like I literally can't taste things. What the fuck.

I don't know if I can blame medications. Which one to blame. I don't even know which doctor to call. But I need to call someone because my taste buds have both changed and some have fucking disappeared.

I was, key word was, willing to try another medication. No. Nooooo. Not until I have my taste buds back. Mango, kiwi, and lime are gone. Gone. I don't know what else is missing. Oh, and some things taste like the wrong things. Like something strawberry based tasting like cranberry...

Blueberry though, heh. That has never been more potent. And tastes like heaven because I can taste it. Brown sugar is another winner that just pops.

I guess I have to call my psychiatrist's office and tell them about this wtf stuff. Abilify can do this. But so can gabapentin. I've been abilify since Sept 16th. It seems odd that it would start now but who knows with withdrawal symptoms. I'm on a good amount of gabapentin though. If it's that, I need to call my neurologist and be like wtf to his office.

And hopefully...hopefully...please let this not be permanent.

This is why I didn't want to be on medications. I hate long term medications. No one frickin believes me that medications and my body don't agree.

My therapist was saying all medications come with side effects and it's about learning to live with them. NO! This has become unacceptable. I went through two months, at least, of withdrawal from cymbalta which I'd rather had drunk myself into a stupor with the worst hangover of my life every night for two months than have done that.

I've gotten migraines from the very medication that is supposed to have stopped them because I was put on too high of a dose. The antidepressants have made me so angry that I've wanted to attack and kill people, let alone kept me stuck in a depressive hole.

Now I fucking can't taste things. This has been over the course of less than two years.

I am so tempted to say fuck it to doctors. I'm ready to be done. Like I have enough problems with my body and my mind/brain that I don't need them adding more to it.

If it's not clear, I'm ready to snap. That's a very bad place for me to be.

Psychiatry

I am so glad I made a fuss with the nurses at my psychiatrist's office and got an appointment yesterday. Apparently the one in November was cancelled as well because of Veterans day...really? No one looked before setting up my appointment? Ugh

But in some good news, as of December, I'll actually be seeing him every 6 weeks. At least for three visits. That's what we booked. My psychiatrist made sure that I could get in that often.

With trying new meds and them not working, having bad side effects, I should be seeing him that often. Given that he's not taking any new patients, seeing him should be easier going forward.

It'll make my therapist happy and likely more at ease. I know it's been a concern of his in the past.

I have a new med to try. Funnily enough, it's the one my therapist recommended and I didn't even mention it. It has the least side effects of all the ssris. So here's hoping. I stuck it out with cymbalta for a year, even though the last 5 of those months sucked. I know I can get on a med without the side effects trying to kill me, lol.

I know I really didn't want to go on another med, but since I have the psychiatrist, and in in therapy, this is the right time to try out meds to see if they help or not. I have to give more than 4 meds an honest try given how many meds are out there for mental health and how picky my body is about meds.

If they aren't for me, at least I can say I tried the best I could.

Adjusting

 I know I've been opening up more here about things. Broken and friendship left behind. But I haven't talked to my therapist as much about it. Not much since I lost most of my friends and not much about walking away from Steve, other than that I did.

My therapist mentioned last session that he knows I'm more upset than I'm letting on. Of course I am, but talking with him makes it...more real. Final. I'm not ready for that yet. Talking about it here is helping me get to that point.

Someone I loved for two years, who then nearly destroyed me, and then we tried to piece together back a friendship...there's a lot there. Looking at that, I have no idea why we even attempted to stay friends. Why we tried so hard. Why I tried so hard. I guess it's because I was still blinded by love. I wish I could say I don't love him anymore, but I do. I'm just no longer blinded by it.

Every day away, I have a clearer mind about things. Most of the time. September. I hate this month. I already have shit going on in my head I have to battle with and now I have this on top of it.

So I've been distracting myself with cleaning and cooking. Wearing myself out, even though I'm barely sleeping. Fricking abilify. And I found out that I'll be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from that up until October 20th. All it takes is two weeks in a person's system and it has its claws in.

I see my psychiatrist on the 29th so next week. I'm going to tell him no more new meds, especially since I'm in withdrawal for the next month. I'm putting my foot down. No more.

I'm adjusting to everything. Life, other meds, situations, getting through each day. I don't have the physical or emotional energy to try another medication.

Back Out of the Rabbit Hole

I deleted my last post because it was a moment of weakness spurred by an emotional time of year combined with dreams that pulled on old parts of my life. But that's no longer the point. It doesn't matter if I miss Chris or Steve.

Why? I've said it before and it bares repeating. I deserve better.

I deserve people to whom I matter regularly, not just when it's convenient. I deserve people who don't have anger issues. I deserve good people who make my life better, not cause more problems. Not bring me to such a deep fucking depression that I nearly ended up killing myself.

Which is what started this whole terrible path of medication. Another med to cross off the list. Abilify sucked ass. So I'm off that. I think I'm done with meds. I'm done with people. I have a select few who matter. I am comfortable with myself for the first time in a long time and that matters more than any amount of people.

I'm tired of taking care of other people. Putting them first. All in the name of "friendship." I'm taking care of me and that's what really matters.

The Truth of the Matter is...

The truth is...

I know he's hurting too. When we were drifting apart as friends, he missed me terribly. I can only imagine what this is doing to him. I honestly don't want that.

And maybe he's still reading here, wanting some way to know what's going on.

Or maybe I hope he is. I don't know. Maybe just for this.

I do know it wasn't a coincidence about his gf unblocking me on fb when I made mention of it here. So he was reading at some point. But I wouldn't blame him if he never came back after the last post.

The truth is...

I've been noticing patterns of behavior and looking back I can see them more clearly now.

I mentioned stumbling upon something and talking to my therapist about it. We've all been talking about it. It's there, spoken and unspoken. As I tell him things, even I'm seeing the clues.

And how furious I was about not getting to see my psychiatrist. They did put me on their wait list and I see him on the 24th.

The truth is...

We've been talking about borderline personality disorder.

How it overlaps with ptsd, depression, anxiety, trauma.

Borderline isn't treated effectively with medications and meds can actually make it worse. Yeah, I read that and had to walk away from my computer for a while.

The hot and cold in relationships. Obsession quickly turning to disdain.

I can make a strong case for all of it.

I've never really had a good explanation and answer for everything. Not even depression and ptsd. I don't know if this is the answer, but if it is, like the ptsd this is because of past trauma and abuse. Well that just sucks doesn't it. And there's no cure, just help. How I hate that word. Help.

So that's the truth. If you don't know what borderline personality disorder is I ask that you look it up. The professional sites explain it better than I ever could.

I get to being this up to my psychiatrist and see what he has to say. My therapist and I will keep doing what we've been doing, knowing it's there. And maybe one day I'll be able to say for certain if I was correct. Maybe it'll always be uncertain because of the complex ptsd. But it opened doors and lines of communication. If nothing else, there's that.

And the truth is I do miss Steve. I miss my friend. But with some things there is no going back. This entire blog is proof of that. We have been a walking up and down disaster from the very beginning. I've been hurt too many times and some wounds are simply unforgivable. I wish they were. I tried for months; I really did.

But I'm really bad at getting hurt. Especially repeatedly by the same person. Everything hurts deeper and stronger for me. It's more difficult to let go. And I think I'd be making a mistake to ever let him back into my life. As much as I love him, as much as I miss him, I've learned by now that he will be a source of pain for me and I can't live with that.

Fuck this shit

I wish I could say it's been easy. Walking away from someone I thought was one of my best friends. Cutting off all ties. We used to have arguments about friendships having expiration dates. That once people see enough of me, the friendship either ends or fizzles.

It's why I no longer have a real social life these days. No parties or dinners or social gatherings to talk about. I've written about how they chose an abusive person over me. But they saw just how bad my "bad" really is and after that nothing was ever the same. It never is.

The more I've thought about it, the more I'm convinced that he subconsciously was destroying what was left of our friendship. In his mind, he didn't understand why I was still around. That he didn't deserve my forgiveness or friendship. Fucking selfish.

Or maybe, just maybe, I was right. And the expiration date came up but we'd been avoiding it. Trying to hold onto frayed threads until those came apart and I realized there was nothing there for me. Only pain and heartache.

But that doesn't mean it's easy. Having to reconcile the terrible parts with the man I once loved. And probably still do. Probably always will.

There are times when I get so angry still that I can't think straight. And the silence is deafening. I want to scream at him with all my rage and fury, but I have no words. Then the sadness creeps in. He may tell himself all the lies he wants in order to make his conscious clear, but I was never a priority as a relationship or a friend. I didn't fit into his world and he never made a place for me in it. So much for being his best friend...

I find myself wishing I had never met him. Because I deserved better. I put in more effort constantly and I'm tired of that. I'm tired of being put on the back burner to other people and things, or outright not mattering.

I've been here before. Done this. Except he walked out on me and our friendship after the relationship ended. Nearly two years later. Back then, I remember thinking that I'd rather be alone and have no one than ever go through that again.

So fuck Steve. Fuck his false promises. Fuck his friendship. Fuck that he can still make me cry. Just fuck him and his pretend sensitivity.

I know I don't mean shit to him. What I want doesn't matter. How I feel is meaningless. So he can go right to his fucking hell he believes in so much.

Reminder of the Past

Written and Originally Published 10/23/12

I wish I had heeded my own warning,
the prediction that was too true.
Except I was never rebuilt
after he tore it all down.
Every wall, every last piece of my sanity.

"Destroyed and Rebuilt"


Tears are pouring down where I wish words to flow

Washing my hands of this ill-begotten battle

It's time to hang up the white flag, surrender

Cut my heart out and serve it on a platter

Where you can shape and remold it

Into the vessel that best serves your plans

Leave out the love and the nurturing

Lessons learned in pain stick better to my soul

What's another scar on a body lined with them

Play the games you've mastered so well

Always two steps behind, won't see your moves

As you shatter what's left of me

Remember to put me back together again

Give back the life you ripped from me

To rise like the phoenix from the ashes

Stuff and Junk LOL

Things are going well. As much as well can be with occasional flashbacks which aren't behaving in the way I'm used to them acting, and medication side effects. Why are lightheaded, dizziness, and tiredness always the side effects? Always always always. ALWAYS. Except Abilify. No that just makes me constantly hungry. Don't mistake me. It doesn't make me want to eat all the food. It's not a craving. I'm starving after I take it. All day. I wake up starving.

But like I said, things are actually going well. Lisa and I are doing better with our friendship. She just had major surgery. She has endometriosis and it was BAD. She went from stage 1 to stage 2 to leaving surgery as a stage 3. Do not google pictures unless you have a strong stomach. But I went over last week to help take care of her and give her husband a break. She still managed to get a massive hematoma. The bruise is nasty. But even with all of that, she feels so much better which is great. Nothing pressing up against her insides anymore would do the trick. I made us lunch while I was over. She was the happiest a person could be LOL

I know I don't talk about Frank much, my boyfriend. My therapist says the same thing. He got a promotion about a month ago, maybe a little longer. Sense of time is screwy. He used to work in the town where we live, which was great. Thankfully he's only working about 30 minutes away now so it's not a bad commute but it does make the days that much longer. Since he's management in retail, the hours are screwy too, and while they're at least consistent days and hours, anyone who has ever worked retail knows that ya live by a whole different schedule than the rest of the world. His weekends are mostly Sunday and Monday. We've had a Monday and Thursday though. I know this wekk and the next are going to be weird because Friday hours are different and he's working the Sunday following it.

And we're approaching...wait for it...Holiday Season. I fucking kid you not. Last year it started in mid-October for him, but for the position he has now, if I'm remembering right, prep is going to start as early as next week. Maybe the following. I know there's a conference coming up that the person right above Frank has to go to is coming up and that's why the schedule change (the ridiculous amount of management levels in retail and corporate ugh!). And that whole conference is about the Holiday Season.

I know way too much about this job and company, but that's also my thing. I'm not a sideline person. I can't help Frank succeed if I have no idea what the hell is going on. So I bugged his previous store management about stuff all the time when they weren't busy. Once his head boss realized I was asking important questions and was actually listening/caring, we built a good report. Plus, I'd always just listen to conversations and be mindful. That's what good subs do, right??? Hahahaha

I'm far too plotting to be a good sub. But I do it out of love. That should count...

Well that didn't go quite as expected

Before I get into any of the messy stuff, I do have something kinda funny to share. I was on Facebook and went to search for something. As you likely know, anything you recently have searched for will show up when you click on the empty bar. Imagine my surprise when Steve's gf's name has her picture next to it instead of just a generic search result for a name. I have to say, I had a good laugh over that one before I went to bed tonight.

Either there's a very small chance that she blocked me and decided to unblock me, or he's reading here. Which means I was right. And honestly I have ideas as to why he is, only one of them is a good one.

But anyway...

I have never claimed to not have a healthy nor unhealthy dose of paranoia. It's being discussed, lol. My therapist and I obviously talked in depth about several of my concerns.

No, he had not been keeping anything from me.  I'm not quite sure how to explain this part. I stumbled upon something and have been researching it up, down, and sideways. I compared it to my existing diagnoses: complex ptsd, depression (that goes from major to minor), and a general anxiety disorder.

I then compared it to similar mental health issues. I researched psychological terminology. I read medical journals about the subject I was interested in as well as ones I came across that tugged at something in my mind.

This is what I've primarily been doing since last Thursday. You could say that I wanted to be armed and prepared with as much information as was available to me.

So back to therapy. I said as much as this one topic had me mentally pushing away, I kept being drawn back to it. As if hidden in those words was something I had been looking for, subconsciously. I know I have the symptoms of what I've been diagnosed with, but I've never, ever read about something and identified with it.

It doesn't all fit quite right, as our conversation showed. In order to explain why it made sense I had to reveal details about myself that I have never shared with my therapist and rarely share elsewhere. We've decided to simply look at it and keep it in mind for future therapy sessions. It's not a diagnosis quickly made.

It overlaps a ton with the ptsd, and often occurs with ptsd and depression, hence why considering it is a reasonable idea. It overlaps with a lot, actually. It looks like a lot of disorders without being any of them, but those are my only clues. Not until we're sure one way or the other.

In other news, my psychiatrist wants me to try a new med. Abilify. I don't get to see him until Nov, so this has all been through phone calls. I flat out asked if he thought I had bipolar disorder. Bc this makes med number 3 that is technically a bipolar med and he and I have never had that conversation. But apparently no, they just use these meds for depression patients who have tried other meds and those haven't worked. As for why Abilify on its own, one new med at a time.

I'm still debating whether or not in even going to take it after the whole cymbalta disaster. But there's a clue. It's not bipolar disorder lol

Stupid spider ruined everything

I was doing so well today. Exceptional might have been the word I would have used. If not for a frickin brown spider triggering me.

I may have some of the strangest and "how the fuck even" triggers.

Today was so good I was talking about medications on a friend's fb post. Even though I've had some of the worst luck and experiences with them, I do understand that they help a great deal of people.

On another friend's post, I commented upon the picture's assumption that the demons in your mind have always been there for you even when you've been alone. A lot of those times, those voices are things other people have said and we can self internalize those.

Even I made a comment about who am I and what is going on today. Because I know these things to be true, even when things get unstable, somewhere in my mind, I've not forgotten any of this. I just never talk about it so openly.

So the spider. About this time two years ago, I had a very similar looking spider creeping about the same part of my living room. I screamed and tried to kill it with a shoe but the fucker was too fast. Anyway, two years ago was the start of one of the loneliest times of my life. Physically and emotionally.

And all my positive vibes went away as if they had never existed. And I'm sad. Because I must suck at friendships. I can't hold onto people, or I find out they suck, or something in between. Maybe I attract bad people. There are theories on it about people with trauma, abuse, ptsd, depression. I can check all of those, maybe more.

I've been angry at my therapist because I think he's been keeping something from me. Something he thinks might be wrong with me. Because I've been reading about it thoroughly since Wednesday. At first my mind did the whole retreat into itself. Then I got angry. Then I argued with myself over past actions and behaviors. And I'm left with...I could make a strong case. And I wonder how long my therapist has known or wondered. Maybe not at all. It's not like I'm the most open and trusting client.

But if he knew...and if I'm right that I have it...one it'll explain so much. Two going forward I can explain shit to people...but I

I may have lost Chris because I wanted him to understand something I didn't have words for. I may have lost a lot of people that way.

And I want to go back to positive or at least angry. I hate being sad anymore. Not that I ever enjoyed being sad, but I've spent too much of my life that way and it gets tiresome.

Catharsis

I saw my therapist today. It's Wednesday. The usual. We talked about how I ended my friendship with Steve and how I had the best night sleep in ages. I explained all the reasons why I ended the friendship.

My therapist is concerned that this will only prove to me not to let new people in, but this has been a while coming. I've just been avoiding it because I still had hope. Because I made a promise. Because I wasn't ready to give up until I knew for sure.

It wasn't only what I can't forgive. I could have looked passed all that, if I actually meant a damn to Steve. But during the relationship, I carried us. During the friendship, I carried us. If I didn't push for time together, I would have rarely seen him which became reality.

He claims we may have texted more than most of his other friends, but that was only true when I texted him first. I never got his time. Not unless I pushed, and that's not what a relationship is. That's not what a friendship is.

The only time I was a "priority" was when I was emotionally unstable or shit was hitting the fan. I'll give him that much. But I shouldn't have been having panic attacks, disassociating, deep into a depressive state to matter to someone.

Otherwise, I may as well have not existed as far as his life and world was concerned. Remember, I just met his parents this summer, after his gf had met the whole family...I really really should have seen this whole picture sooner.

And, heh, I could be wrong but I think he's still reading here. Good. Because for everything he said that he wishes me all the best and hopes that I find peace, etc etc...I didn't trust it.

I can't explain it but I had a gut feeling. I removed Steve as a fb friend yesterday as well. Only makes sense. Today I go to see if he's blocked me. Nope. But something is still nagging me. So I look up his gf. And I get redirected to my homepage.

I laughed so damn hard. Because she blocked me (never friends btw). She would have only done so if he had said something to her lol. It must have been something awful, otherwise why go through the effort? I felt like I was in middle school again. So much for wishing each other all the best. But I still mean what I said, no matter how much I vent here. That's what this blog is for: venting.

I hope he has a long, healthy, and happy life. I just want no part of it.

Closing The Door

I said good bye and there was finality to it. Ever since that lunch back in February, things have been leading up to this. Steve has said some really stupid shit sometimes at exactly the wrong moments. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep the memories haunting me...living, breathing, alive...with him around.

He said he was expecting this. He hadn't held any real hope for a while.

And that made me so angry. Because before I got a response, I wanted him to fight. And I cried out, my heart hurt in a way that it hasn't in quite some time. I knew he wouldn't because he doesn't. Even if he did, it wouldn't have changed my mind. But it bothers me that he'd already given up.

I was right. I know exactly when it started declining. First the relationship. Then the friendship. And if I wasn't the one actively trying all the time, there wasn't anything at all. Because I see how he is now. I see how engaged and active he is with his current relationship...and that was never us.

Silly me, I can forgive the differences because I know the circumstances. But I can't forgive how things ended. I can't forgive February. And I can't forgive that he has no feelings about the miscarriage. We don't know why I miscarried, given that it was my second one. I do know I have scarring. Found out last December before I was put on birth control. So when he told me that it didn't affect him the same way because it wasn't viable, I broke the news. I have no idea.

He's also a liar, or his memory loss really is that bad. Because he was upset when it happened.

So I'm done. I told him that I don't know if this good bye is forever but assume it is. And I expect it to be. Because I've removed everyone from my life who is harmful to my life and I haven't gone back. I didn't go to my own grandpa's funeral because I couldn't walk back into that life, or only show up for a day and walk right back out.

No matter what Steve has ever been to me, this truly was good bye.

Toxic poison

I didn't realize until today that Steve is poison to me. Toxic. It was upon summarizing his break up with me on other blogger's post that I realized he did so many awful things. Some of which I don't think I could ever forgive him for and so I will always be in pain and angry so long as he's around.

After four years of knowing him, I have no idea how to say those words. I promised he was stuck with me because he was my friend and I couldn't...I still can't imagine my life without him in it. I don't break promises lightly.

My problem is and has always been putting others before myself. Right now though, I don't know if we're friends or two people trying to be friends. I have walls up so high because I have nightmares if I don't keep myself guarded at all times, but especially around him.

I want to tell his girlfriend to run while she can. I want to tell her all the reasons why she should. He's been talking about getting into therapy since I've known him. Still waiting on that one, and he's the one who thinks it actually works. He buys into all the crap about therapy and meds and the rest of that.

If you ask me why I'm still in therapy, and my therapist has on multiple occasions, I do not have an answer for you. Habit? Fear? Once I get into a routine it is difficult for me to break it.

If I had any self worth, any common sense I'd tell Steve to fuck off and I'd never look back. That shouldn't make me cry to write that or leave me feeling terrified. Fuck him and the stupid dependency that he didn't even want me to develop. Just fuck him. That two years later I'm still a mess because of his bullshit and he is fucking perfectly fine.

Shadows of the Mind

In the dark halls of my mind

I watched my heart bleed out

every last drop

draining onto and into the stone floors

Until all that remained was blackness

shadows, ash

The ash seeps out of wounds

that will not close

My heart grows darker

The could-be life draining away

I'm losing the pieces that made me pure

compassionate, kind

For I would watch the world burn

Destroy it until there was nothing left

we don't deserve this

This world that I can't put into words

For all the lies we tell ourselves

we don't make it better

Eventually the tears will dry

from all the deaths and loss

and I worry

For who I will be when the storm ends

Alive

I talked with my psychiatrist about the ineffectiveness of the medications I've been taking. How where I am today is not where I was a year ago, nor a year and a half ago, or even two years ago. Things have changed. I'm no longer so anxiety ridden that every sound and noise outside sets me into a panic. I don't think about walking from my car to my house or vice versa and wonder if I'm going to be attacked. The hypervigilance simply isn't there to such an extreme anymore.

So I am titrating off of Cymbalta as it never really did much good for me. The list of side effects of withdrawal are numerous and I've experienced at least half of them. I was on 80 mg; now on 60mg until Saturday. Then 40, 30, 20mg for 2 weeks each. It's a slow process. And if 60 to 40 is too much, I was given enough meds to do 50mg for 2 weeks to ease the process.

After that, I will be slowly coming down from 2mg of klonopin a day. We're not really sure where that's going to go. Maybe I only need 1mg, split into half mg in the morning and night. Maybe I need something more like Ativan, which I've taken before. It's on an as needed basis.

I'm also more recently on Tegretol. 200mg left me a complete zombie. 100mg seems okay. I don't think it's the solution we're looking for, but it's really too soon to know how it's affecting my system. I've only been taking it for about a month now. And coming off of Cymbalta actually opens a lot more doors to try other meds. Cymbalta interacts severely with almost everything.

The game plan is to see what my new baseline is in the present. Everyone thinks this is a good idea. I also don't do well on long term medications. By long term, I mean something that I need to take for a few weeks. My body tends to reject whatever I'm taking after a while. I'm not surprised by the increased muscle aches, pulled muscles, migraines, hypersomnia, mood swings. My brain was going, "NO"

Even with all the current side effects, I can think again. I watched a comedy special. Fluffy! I haven't laughed that hard in...I honestly do not know when. It was a completely free and open laughter. I may have been a child the last time I laughed like that. I was startling myself, let alone freaking out my cats lol!

I can feel again. It's like breathing after drowning. My emotions had been so regulated for me that I'm relearning how to do that. It's like a dam broke inside of me and everything that had been trying to spill out, I can finally FEEL.

There's a lot to that. Not all of it good. There's a lot I never held people accountable for, and I have to decide whether it's worth bringing up now with the arguments, or letting it go as I did in the past. But that's a story for another time.

For now, it's enough to be closer to who I was/am before people and depression tried to destroy me.

Remedies?

For the last year, I've been on medications. To help with anxiety. Depression. Muscle tightness and spasms. Migraines. Fibromyalgia. A new one is a steroid that helps the body retain water, salt, and other necessary minerals because of fainting spells I've had my whole life that have recently become severe enough for me to see a cardiologist.

I've never mentioned my age before, but I'm under 30. Nearer to it, but under.

My current doctors/medical professionals are a PCP, neurologist, chiropractor, therapist, cardiologist, and a psychiatrist. I've seen one rheumatologist already, but I'll likely end up seeing another one. I have a foot that is slowly collapsing on me. The bones are fine. The muscles are starting to atrophy. I see signs of it beginning in the other foot too.

I have nerves in my body that currently don't respond to stimulation. Given that my neurologist doesn't say anything when I tell him this, I guess it's par for the course of where my fibro is at. Nerves that go off like electrical shocks, to no stimuli at all.

I didn't stop writing simply because Steve and I broke up. My health was deteriorating, physically and mentally. The things I had to say didn't belong here, or I didn't have the strength to write about them. I didn't want him reading my spiral downward. May the gods help me, I didn't think it was possible, but I hid it from him.

I was hiding enough and he didn't want to see anymore. It was the perfect combination. And there was one day that tipped the tides. It's why I'm on meds and seeing a psychiatrist. There was self harm, but there was no rush of endorphins. I was still panicky and scared. It took me an hour to decide to drive to an urgent care.

I had lost Chris, who always made me promise to tell someone...long before Steve did. I know I talk about Steve a lot, but I mourn the loss of Chris in my life. I miss him so much. But he's hurting, like I'm hurting. I can't blame him for not being able to look at me without being in pain. I understand that all too well. It hurts me too because I do love Chris. But not his anger and mood swings.

I had lost Steve...and well, yeah.

That day could have ended two ways. I could have done what I did, and gotten help. Or it would have set me on the path that was in my mind. I had a plan. I wasn't going to see the end of 2015. I was already thinking about it as of August '14. That day was March 7, 2015.

It's been a year and I wish I could say the meds have helped. They haven't. I have to talk with my psychiatrist on Tuesday about options, mainly starting over and seeing what happens. Where I was a year ago is not where I am today. I need to know what I'm working with, not drugged up.

Steve saw it the other night when we did a double date with him and his new gf. Writing isn't too badly impaired, though I'm making a ton of easy spelling mistakes so thankfully there's that nice dictionary. Speaking and being awake on the other hand?? I've had music on fairly loud this entire time. It's so I can concentrate and stay alert enough to write. And I feel myself fading quickly as it's approaching 9PM. That's when I start to fade, no matter if I've taken a nap or not.

I did take an over 2 hour nap today too. I got over 9 hours of sleep. Hypersomia. It's caused by the meds I'm on. That's also why I want to start over. A clean slate to see what I really need because I'm taking too much of something or several somethings obviously.

But I didn't want to talk about all of this, ya know? I felt like it was necessary for me and for the people who do still read here.

Paths

I was conditioned to forgive people's wrongs against me from an early age. I knew what they were doing was wrong, but at some point I just got tired. It became easier to brush things aside in my mind than confront them. That's what I did with Steve and how things ended.

Too tired of being hurt, being betrayed, being left, no longer being good enough. Just tired.

And after everything with the Ex...to finally be free. After all that man did to me, all the things he did to screw me up. All the ways I was tired of having my limits of existing pushed. To be free. I got the call on May 28, 2014 around 10-11pm that he wouldn't be a problem anymore.

I had ten days with Steve, with finally nothing hanging over us. June 8th, that's when he ended things. It was a Sunday. We met on a Sunday, July 15th. He ended things 4 days before his birthday. Since he doesn't celebrate it, I don't think it even occurred to him.

Or how he always went out of town, back to his old college for homecoming, on my birthday every year. How much that hurt and I never said anything because of conditioning. My birthday has always sucked so why would the man I love be around? No, that was very fitting, and he wouldn't have stayed if I had asked anyway. That's why I never did.

So why am I crying from missing him? Why is my heart still breaking?

Because for everything that may have been wrong, or didn't mesh, or hurt...regardless of all that, it was different than every relationship I've ever had. He was my best friend, my protector, my lover, my Dom. He was the sun in the rain, the Light in the Dark. He made me smile when I didn't think I could. His was the footprint on the Path that I knew was always there.

Until he took a different Path.

What Can Be Said?

Wednesday. Well, what to say? I had a panic attack for a few hours leading up to them arriving. Dinner almost didn't happen, but I am who I am. I pulled myself together enough to say "come anyway" because the food was almost ready. So fuck it.

Steve's girlfriend is a sweetheart, generous. I can't hate her anymore. She's too likable. Her and I have too much in common. She had been told what was going on and wanted to help out in any way she could. She is so innocent, and he really likes that about her. He wants to keep her that way. She's so Christian too. Like, my inner former Catholic kind of wants to give her a reality check because she's a little too Christian. Not saying "God" or "damn" out loud is...I grew up with Irish Catholics. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph" was a common phrase uttered in the household. "Lord have mercy" was another.

I was the super Catholic. In the choir. Went to church on saint and holy days. Saturday church with the choir, and Sunday church with the family. I believed in confession. When I started liking girls, I talked to my priest in open confession about it. The first time I cut, I did the same. "If today you hear his voice, harden not your heart" which is something I learned with the sacrament of first holy communion. We even had a project in Sunday school where we colored in heart shaped rocks to "cleanse our sins." Sin. That an 8 year old had. Haha

That I had. I have done things that I am not proud of since then. But at 8? At 14? Heh, that's when I left. Because I wasn't ashamed of liking women and men. I wasn't ashamed of my sexuality. No, if anyone had a debt to pay, it was a distant God who put me through hell again and again.

No. That system made no sense to me. It hasn't made any sense since. And that is entirely why Steve and I could never be together. Because he believes in it, with everything in him.

And when other Gods start saying "hello" over the years, when they keep watch, even when I'd rather be left alone...It's not even one pantheon either. They all show up when they want to, sounds like Gods.

But, none of them help. They never have. Not with the pain, the depression, the panic attacks, the PTSD, the disassociation. None of it.

The meds aren't helping. Therapy isn't helping. I've been all sorts of wrong since Wednesday. I lashed out at Steve on Friday. I was a total asshole. I did the thing I told him I never would: be vindictive. Be mean and hateful. But I didn't care. I wanted to hurt him because I wanted him to hate me. And I realized it worked.

I hated myself for it. So I wanted some space to regroup. To stop hurting him. But he didn't understand. We left things on a sour note. I was deep into the depression. And yesterday I cut, right along a vein on my wrist. I almost passed out from something I did. I wasn't from bleeding, just something. Maybe because I've never cut near a vein before.

Even though things were terrible, Frank was at work, and all I could think was to call Steve. I didn't expect him to pick up, and he almost didn't. But given things, he knew it must be important. We ended up talking for 2 and 1/2 hours. It helped, more than I could imagine. And we're good again. He was worried, for good reason. But the right people are going to be told about everything.

The depression hasn't been kind to me for the last few months. *sighs*

Complications

I don't think he reads here anymore, or even would think to, so I'm going to write what's been in my mind since I last saw Steve. Since I decided I had things to say again, things that mattered to my soul and itched to be free.

In some ways, I've been stifled knowing he'd be on here reading my words. That's no longer a problem.

I can finally say the way he ended things was one of the most heartbreaking things someone has ever done to me. It nearly killed me. It's what pushed me off the fragile edge into oblivion. I had arrangements made. I knew what day I was going to end things.

After everything and everyone who tried to break me, he managed to do it by accident. I couldn't let him "see" in that annoying way he "sees" me. If he thought, guessed for a brief moment, he would stop me.

The Ex moving two and a half hours away helped a lot. My therapist says that's when he saw an improvement. But that's not what rekindled the fire, no. I helped a friend get out of an abusive situation. I saw the fear firsthand. A look I know all too well. One I didn't just wear around The Ex. One I've wore most of my childhood. I know abuse when I see it.

They'd already broken up. She was packing up her things as quickly as she could with work. He was being an asshole about it and was trying to convince her to reconsider. So while he was off on a job over a long weekend, I got her out. I pushed my body and my mind to its limits, but we did it. I slide into a disassociative state about 5 minutes after everything was done. Not completely gone, but I lost the ability to speak for a while. I kept shaking.

I want to shake now. When she admitted to our friends, with my help, that her ex was abusive no one believed her. They still don't. They thought I was projecting my Ex onto her situation. Want me to live? Make me angry. Give me a reason to defy people actively. Give me something to prove wrong.

But nothing has been right these past few months. The lynch pin, my therapist calls her. The center around which all my abuse and trauma can be tied back to. One of my first abusers. Someone I used to call "mom" but isn't my biological mother. We talked in December. The nightmares started then. Restless nights. Meds no longer working. Weeks of unrelenting migraines.

And his girlfriend. Seeing her name show up on FB. We're not friends but she's tags him in things all the time. She's integrated in his life in a way I never was, maybe never could have been. And I hate her for it. I hate her. I have no reason to; she seems like a really nice person. They connect really well.

Yet, I hate her. The idea of being around her puts very bad thoughts in my head. Bad dreams. I say I want him only to be happy. Then why is there so much rage? It's not like she's someone bad for him. I'd understand that. But she seems great. A total sweetheart who's been through her own miseries in life. I should connect with her.

He says he's surprised that I'm not vindictive. I could be, and he has no idea of the levels I'd go to. I can be ruthless. But not to him, never to him. And she's now part of his life...my brain should transition to a protective state.

It's not though. I see competition. I see prey. I see something to eliminate.

If this is who the medications make me become in order to "help" me, I think I'll take my depression and anxiety and ptsd instead. Kthnx. Because that person sure as hell isn't me. 

No Good Options

Since last summer, Steve and I haven't been close. I saw him once in the fall; it may have even been September. I don't really remember anymore. The meds I'm taking make it harder to keep track of the days and months. Time eludes me. But he was over for dinner to meet Frank. Steve knows my housemate who's living with me. She has a job in the area for the year working for a library. It's to advance her career and it was an opportunity she couldn't pass down. I needed the company. One of Frank's friends who lives in town was also over for dinner that night, so it was an interesting evening.

Though the friend is now my friend as well. In the last year, I've lost a lot of friends who I used to hold dear. They chose to keep someone abusive around. I saw what he was doing to our friend. I helped get her out. And yet, they would rather believe I'm projecting my own past issues onto other people than believe that yet another person is an abusive asshole.

Yeah, my ex was a piece of shit. That's all I'm willing to say about that.

Last Monday Steve and I met for lunch. We wanted to bridge back together the pieces of our friendship. I was reserved, but damn if I don't still get butterflies every single time I see him. I shouldn't, especially now, but may the gods help me, I do.

Lunch went fine. He bought a house in the fall and asked if I wanted to see it. I had time so sure. It's a nice house; he can do a lot with it. We started talking and catching up. Four hours later...lots of crying...too many emotions.

There was a point. The attraction is still there as if June 8th, 2014 wasn't over a year and a half ago. It feels like a couple months. I fell right into subspace for him, something I haven't been able to touch since things ended between us.

But he just started seeing someone. They've liked each other for months now and just finally admitted it. He still sees us as having obstacles that will never be overcome, even though he's entirely wrong. He can have his opinion and I can have mine. The words "You are everything I've been looking for" still whisper in my mind. Words he said in awe.

Things have fallen out with Lisa. They just happened, in the same way we just happened into a relationship.

As for Frank, yes we've talked about the future. But that is something Steve never understood. I do that with everyone. I told him I did, but he didn't seem to believe me. I dislike unknowns. If things continue forward, I have a clear understanding of where Frank and I will be, where we stand, what we want for the future, etc.

But it's also been less than a year. And given everything I still feel for Steve, I'm conflicted. Steve says there will never be a future there. All he can offer is friendship. Is it right or fair to be with someone when my loyalty will always be with Steve? I love Frank...but I gave Steve everything. I bet everything on him.

And I would do anything to make him happy. I can't say that about anyone else. So I'm lost with no good options.