A New Game To Play

Let's play a little game, shall we?

I am tired of crying over men. Plain tired and bored of it.

To one, I am a toy he can't even begin to understand. But I am oh so pretty and have been the object of his desire for so long. Yet resentment builds because I am this broken thing who he feels should have been fixed long ago.

The other, the one I write of so often here. In fact, I once called these my love letters to him. With him, I don't even feel like an afterthought. To be an afterthought would require being thought of on his own.

So let us sit back and watch. Wait. He says he reads this every day. Yet more often than not, I don't get a "hello" or a "good night" or anything.

Then he tells me that once all my troubles are over...well, one specifically...he'll be pulling back to let me function on my own. I am a grown fucking adult who has been functioning emotionally on my own since I was a god damn child. I have known heart ache and loss that he can not even begin to fathom. Yet he thinks to tell me what I will or won't need.

And where would that leave us, him retreating? What would I have left? I barely see him. I'm lucky to get a text or have mediocre conversation with the man. Where is the man I met who couldn't get enough of my mind? Does he really believe I'm so easy to figure out, and so is already bored with me?

So our game shall be this:

How long does it take for him to notice

that I haven't been in touch?

My guess is Friday. Let the waiting begin.

With Sir and the Monster

"According to you" by Orianthi

I was listening to Pandora when that song came on. It's a little to bubblegum pop for my tastes, which is a little weird that it was under my station for P!nk and Evanescence. I've heard the song before but Pandora showed me the lyrics and so I scrolled through them.

Wow, it felt like a flash back to an ex of mine. To several of them to be honest. One outright told me that no one but him would ever put up with me. Another thought I could never make up my mind on what I wanted because he was constantly inconsistent which left me floundering.

None of that has any relation to the rest of the post. It was an "oooh shiny" moment.

Breakfast/brunch was nice. The monster man kept flirting with all the waitresses, lol. He loved the little menu that restaurants give kids. Didn't color it, can't be bothered with crayons. Nope, it was his new toy to clutch onto. Oooo, a new texture. Haha. Sir couldn't believe how much the monster eats. I'm actually sure he'd eat more, if he'd just say the damn word. (we just had a tiff because monster got plenty of food but wanted more yogurt. So I told him all you have to do is say "more". I figured he'd go for it since just this afternoon I got him to ask for the hallway light to be turned on. He couldn't get enough of the word "light." Small steps.)

We did go to a park. Not the one I had planned as it was a bit farther and Sir had other things to do. Plus to a 2 year old, any park will do. I know what Sir means know about being uneasy around kids. I don't believe he's had much experience. I don't think he quite knows how to connect with a child who doesn't communicate well. We'll get there with him. The monster and I will win him over. :)

I'm still really sick though. Congestion and constant exhaustion are kicking my ass. Hmm, maybe I can convince Sir for a little TLC time later this week, after the monster is in bed. Even some Skype time would be appreciated at this point. Cuddles and comfort.

Though at breakfast I was wearing this cute 50's style dress with a long green necklace. The monster man had grabbed a hold of it and I joked "It's not a leash, monster" and Sir was like "Need to get off that train of thought." Tee hee! I would not mind some of that fun either but I think cuddles and sweetness are more in order until I'm feeling better.

It was great to see Sir. I missed Him so much. I will never, ever get enough of Him. Even now, I miss Him. I want to snuggle and talk late into the night. Enjoy each other's company. Have "Us" time. I'm so in need of that. I hate sharing Him, even with the monster.

Heavens above, I sound like some love-struck teenager. I can't help it. It feels like falling in love for the first time, except better somehow. :)

Monster Man: Day One

I had all these grand plans for today. None of them worked out. I was going to make chili, and make it right this time. Because I somehow butchered it when Sir was over at my place. Monster man and I were going to play in the backyard. Sunshine, fresh air, play with the pups.

I laid him down and I crashed as well. He only napped for an hour which was not enough time for me. I needed several hours. I was up at 7 with everyone else. Not to mention that I'm still sick. Ugh. I ended up ordering chinese take out. I'll admit to being lazy and wanting to chill out for the rest of the night.

Tomorrow I can be productive! I'll have motivation to spend time with Sir. Have lots of fun! It's going to be great. And I'll be in bed early tonight, like 10:30-11. If I don't fall asleep before that honestly because I'm exhausted right now. I'll be completely rested, ready to go.

Best friend and hubby got lost on the way to JFK Airport. That's where their flight to Ireland was out of. I know, fucking Ireland. I'm so jealous! Detours and getting lost in Manhattan caused them to be late for their flight but it all got worked out. It's better this way actually because they'll be landing in Ireland 9:30 am there and the hotel check in isn't until 2 pm. If they had landed at the original time of 5:30 am, it would have been way more exhausting. I knew they didn't leave enough time factoring in traffic, detours, getting lost, etc. but I wasn't about to say anything.

It's time to put down the monster man. I wanted to touch base and let y'all know how things are going. He's wearing me out that's for sure!! I expected it though, lol. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Hopefully monster man likes Sir. He can be strange around men since he's only around Da, and no other men regularly. I'm sure it'll be fine, at most monster will be a little quieter than normal. I'm not worried, though that may be since I'm so super excited to see Sir!! Yay!

The Monster Man

I'm hovering somewhere between 50 and 70% okay today. Better than the last two days at least. And the best friend as well as her hubby are here until the morning. He's making steaks and baked taters, likely on the grill. :)

I love the monster man. You're going to hear me gush about how awesome this kid is for the next week. If I say, "Aunt [JAS] wants hugs!" he'll run up to me, turn around, and plop into my lap. Some times he'll even stay long enough for snuggles which is when he leans back against me and stays for a good minute or two.

Then we play this game where I'll run away saying "Oh no, the monster's gonna get me!!! Ahhh!!!" and he'll chase after me. It's adorable. He also loves putting people in time out which is sitting on the stairs to the second floor. But this is completely for his advantage because then that person can't see whatever he's up to. Smart boy, except mommy and aunt JAS are smarter, lol!

I already warned Sir that I'm not going to be my usual self on Sunday. I definitely get into a "mommy" mode around monster man. I'm far more silly and ridiculous. I'd like to think I'm more carefree too. Yes, paranoid about every little thing. But also, there's no masks to wear around the monster. I can be myself because he takes me as I am. He's 2, not about to judge his aunt JAS. Being around him brings out sides of me that have been hidden over the years. Fun, happy, spontaneous sides. The kind where the world seemed more wondrous, something to be explored.

Even though I'm still not feeling my best, I can't help but smile as I watch the monster on all fours inching backwards like a strange dog. It's a sight to see, hee hee! Every texture is interesting. Like he's rubbing his face against the kitchen cabinets. Adorable!!! But I'm being dragged away to go play! So you all have a great weekend! :)

The First Unmentionable...Lot of Firsts Actually!!

I came across this in my drafts folder.

Figured it was about time to share.

I don't know when y'all will see this...it's from the post all the way back here. I'm assuming it'll be quite a long time before I'm allowed to post this. See what I did there? Not allowed to post about it. Whether He sees it or not, He does act like my Dom quite often.

Anyway, I'm writing this the next day from that post I linked. Why? Because if I don't write about it now, I won't remember all the wonderful details.

*swoon*

So, I'm apparently terrible at seducing. Okay that's not really true. I didn't know if I should try to seduce Him. I was also fighting back a low point at that given moment.

I find out later that He likes making the sub admit what she wants. Sadist! He knows that I struggle saying things out loud. That was half the point. Then when I wanted to beg, He had me gagged!! But I'll get to that.

So we went to church then lunch. The shift happened at lunch. I was behaving, I swear. Then He...He did something silly. I'm debating admitting it. He had ordered a cheesecake. Let me tell you that was one of the best I've had. It was super fluffy. He mimicked dabbing it on Himself like cologne. Saying, "Now I'm irresistible" or something of that sort.

Why yes, you are...mmmmm!

*shakes head* Sorry about that I drifted off for a second. See what I mean? It's so easy for Him to turn me into a sex kitten.

We went back to His place, curled up on the couch, started watching the first episode of Chuck. It's one of His favorite shows. The inner sex kitten wanted to play. I also wanted to respect boundaries.

I was making it very well known that I wanted to play. If He didn't want to, then all He had to do was say so. My feelings would not have been hurt because frankly I knew part of Him was hesitant about doing anything.

We were kind of cuddling. I was giving Him looks. (This is when He told me I was bad at seducing...I wasn't really trying damn it! Next time, just you wait Sir! Though likely next time will be before y'all even read this...) 

I kissed Him...let me be clear, I do not like making the first move. Because of consent issues and stuff. I make things known and it's up to the other person. They can decide what to do with that. But no, I had to kiss Him first.

I do love the way He kisses, truly. He kissed back. Then things escalated, rather quickly. We were in His bedroom. I was being undressed by Him. Mmmm let me tell you that was HOT!!

I think He said something like, "If I'm going to, I want to see what I have to play with."

YUM! *melts*

He had me lay out on the bed. He inspected me, which frankly is something that hits my slut and humiliation buttons. I'm sure I was blushing quite red! Up my legs, over my stomach, my breasts. Turned me over and repeated the process. He had my hands at my side, to stay put there.

He pulled my hair. He asked, "So you think you can tell me what to do?"

Nononono! Not at all!!

But of course I was gagged. He said, "You're smiling. You like this, don't you?"

Lots of furious nodding of approval there!!

There was a belt. Oh let me tell you, I LOVE the belt. I'd not experienced one before during play. I am a fan!!! I got that across my chest, specifically my nipples. Then a bit on my stomach. He loved focusing on my pussy with that delicious instrument.

Then I was on my stomach again...oh did that happen first?? All I know is my ass got a lovely taste of that belt too! Mmmmm! Something else too. I was too out of it to notice. It was thuddy and yummy though!

I ended up on hands and knees. He was playing with my pussy. Fingering it. I know He ordered me to cum once. "Cum for me, now." and I did, believe me!!

There was an earlier orgasm I got permission for. I know He was playing with my clit and fingering me. I think I was on my back. The order is all sorts of screwy in my head, but I'm sure y'all understand completely!

While I was on all fours, He first fucked me. The angle was off though. It wasn't His fault. The way I'm tilted inside, it can be difficult to find a good angle from behind. But when it works, it's really damn good. Something we'll have to work on...if we haven't already...I think my bed with Him standing would work better. Anyway...

He flipped me over at that point. Nearly bent me in half and sank deep inside of me.

WOW!!!!!

It was awesome. He was awesome!! The way He was in me, He was hitting my g-spot. He was watching me, as I was moaning around the panties He gagged me with. I'm sure He caught all the eye widening.

I wanted to beg in that moment...a lot during all of it really. But being gagged with specific orders? I couldn't. I wanted to touch Him. I wanted to beg for pain. I wanted to tell Him all the things that I keep buried deep within me.

And I couldn't. He had ordered my hands above my head and I damn well left them there. No way was I disobeying. He wanted me exactly as I was and I was content to remain that way.

I fucked Him back as much as I could. Which frankly wasn't much in that position. However, I could do much with my muscles in my pussy. I could tell He enjoyed that, a lot. Hee hee!

He had His orgasm...damn well pleased about that. Love helping a guy orgasm! The sub in me does a happy dance for that. We wanted a round two...likely more than that. But we actually had to get to an event in half an hour.

He told me as we were walking to His car that I had a victory walk going. Damn right I did! I had gotten laid for the first time in god only knows how long. It was some of the best sex I'd ever had. I had sex with the man I'm in love with.

I smelled like Him and didn't give a damn. It's been 24 hours and I still smell Him on me. I love that!

So yes, this was all the "unmentionables"...I'm sure I forgot a few minor moments. But that's the gist of it.

Squishy!

I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine

and he shall be my Squishy.

Come on Squishy. Come on, little Squishy.

That's been on my mind all morning. The funny part is I totally think of Sir when I quote that part of "Finding Nemo". I can see His "I'm not amused" look now. But He is squishy! And He's mine. :)

The bruises on my butt are just starting to fade. He and another friend of ours were playing with me when I got these bruises. They were alternating their hits, but somehow mainly hitting the same area. Under my right butt cheek. Sir says my best reactions are when I'm hit there. I'll have to take His word for it, lol.

I managed to catch some kind of cold/congestion. Low grade fever, coughing. All the fun stuff. So a day in bed resting and hopefully feeling better soon. I need to be okay by Friday as I'm babysitting the best friend's little man (the monster) for a week while her and her soon-to-be husband go on their honeymoon. Thankfully I have more free time than I know what to do with and can watch their son while they're away.

Hee hee, I invited Sir to brunch on Sunday. I'll have the monster man with me. He's a very well behaved little boy. A total ladies man as well, flirting with every woman he sees. He's only 2. I can't imagine what he'll be like as he gets older, haha. Then we're going to a cute little park so monster man can run around and play. It's going to be sweet and adorable. I can't wait! :-D

Not Going According To Plan

I'm all over the place today so please bare with me.

First, the party overall was a lot of fun. I have the bruises to prove it. I had a good time with great friends. Sir was affectionate, or insomuch as He is in public. Him and several of our friends decided that they'd torment me. It was a good time. :)

Now, as for the rest of it. The demo presenter brought out a very sharp knife was no warning. Told a graphic story about knife play gone wrong. Mind you, the demo was not in any way, shape or form on knife play. I tried distracting myself by snuggling with a friend. But I was shivering against her and she thought I was cold. I knew I had to get away from the room of about 50 people or things would not have ended well.

I went into one of the bathrooms. It seemed like the only safe place. Another friend found me. I was trying to get a hold of myself. She was very sweet and realized I was in trouble. She helped me get my breathing under control and distracted me enough to fight back the waves of panic.

I know I'm not the only person who triggers with knives and other edge play items. That's not something a presenter should throw into a scene without letting the audience know ahead of time. I made a note to the group leaders who organized the party as to what happened and gave them advice on how to better handle a presentation like that in the future.

I don't think Sir realized the depths of how bad it was for me. He knew the knives had triggered me and it's something He wants to help me get a handle on. I've been holding off writing because I've still been dealing with aftereffects. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the waves of panic hit again. I get lightheaded and often the room will spin. It's scary stuff.

And I was left putting on a smile, suppressing all the crap after I could steady my breathing. I was at a party after all. I wasn't about to make a scene or cause problems. It wasn't the place so years of compartmentalizing allowed me to disconnect from those emotions for a while. "Don't make anyone look bad"  is the mentality I was raised with. Problems are meant to be dealt with privately. Funny how something like that sticks around long after childhood is over.

To top matters off, the one ex was a dick earlier today. A fight over stupid shit but that's always been the case. Or more like he yelled while I tried to be reasonable. I'm already close to being a shaking mess and then he had to be an asshole. Poking at old wounds.

I told Sir about it. This was the kind of stuff I had been keeping back from Him that I mentioned in a post from a few months ago. I didn't want to involve Him in the drama of an old relationship. But He asked to be kept informed so I'm doing my best. Thankfully, there's often not something to tell. We're hoping soon enough there won't be anything to say. No one ever explains how difficult it is to extrapolate your life from someone else's.

It's all too much sometimes for me to deal with alone. Sir is my safe place and I wouldn't have made it through that party without Him. I doubt I would have managed as well with the ex if He hadn't let me vent. Reminding me it's all almost over. Things are going better and more quickly than we had hoped. Our talks about two months or two years? It was in reference to this mess. It's looking to be resolved soon rather than later, a relief for both of us.

Not only to have the peace and ability to explore what's between us, but for my sanity and well-being too.

Party

There's a party today, which I'm sure is going to be a cluster fuck. After talking with a number of people, no one knows what the demo presentation is actually on. The title is "Resistance Play" and I've heard anything from interrogation to rape play to grappling. That last one I think was a BS response by one of the leaders to appease people's minds. Yes, it's as bullshit as it sounds.

Either that or no one would bottom to anything else with this presenter. Basically this entire event has been screwy from the beginning.

On the bright side, I get to spend time with Sir! Yay! I've already been promised lots of hugs and cuddles.

And if that demo is on consensual-nonconsent, will NOT be watching. That's something I can do with Sir, only Him because there's a level of trust and an ongoing relationship. I will trigger being around a scene like that. He told me last night that He'll be there for me if anyone gives me shit about it.

The best part about all this is that the presenter was announced after many people bought their tickets to go to this event. The whole point was to have a play party. It got turned into an ego-stroking event for one of the group's leaders.

Yet Sir wonders why I love it so much here in Blogland and want to be a hermit from the rest of the world. Out there is crazy. Here? Been nothing but wonderful people and a great support system.

On another bright side, I am feeling better from earlier in the week so I should get to play with Sir!! He may have to go a little easy at first, just to be sure. Other than that though, it's all good! And if we can't play, there's always those lovely snuggles. :)

Upon Reflection

A few months ago, Sir gave me a journal of His to read. It was from a few years ago. Over the weekend we spent together, He let me read a little bit more. I cried reading His words. The fear and frustration broke my heart. I curled up close with Him, saying that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm prepared to stay. I know the sources of conflict that may arise at some point. I see those differences and think, "We can find a way to make this work." It's not just a fanciful thought either. I trust that we can find compromises and middle ground. We've done so rather well up until this point.

There was another smaller piece of writing that He let me read. It's a variation of Psalm 23, in a D/s context. It touched me deeply. I'd love it if He'd allow me to share it here with you. If He ever stops being overworked and busy, I'll ask Him about it. That's why I haven't mentioned the guest post either. Life has been very hectic and I understand.

He often keeps His emotions tightly wrapped up but I'm learning the signs. Like yesterday when He said, "Good morning, lovely."   I couldn't suppress a grin and a fluttering in my stomach. I appreciate the little signs of affection. He often kisses my forehead which leaves me feeling cherished and protected.

I value the trust and vulnerability it takes to share His past with me. Especially in the confines of a private journal, I understand how much more exposed those thoughts often are.

He was wrapped up in furthering His career when we met. Well, He still is but it's not a bad thing. He wasn't looking for love, romance, definitely not a sub when He strolled into that room back in July. He barely knew if He wanted to come back to TTWD.

Not us

It's taken a while to realize what this is, what all it means. It was a couple of years since He was last romantically involved with anyone. I don't want to share too much, as this is His life. I only say that to illustrate His perspective. I came into His life and threw a curve ball. I can imagine it was unsettling to start back up in the BDSM community, trying to navigate those waters, and figuring out why this woman (who was far too open with Him from the moment we met) felt like meeting an old friend.

Not to mention the physical chemistry between us. All of that physical chemistry that sat just under the surface for several months...

That might give a better idea of how things have progressed with Him. Because at some point, He decided that this was genuine and something worth pursuing. I can tell you the night when I noticed the change, back in January. Since that time, we've been growing closer. There are still some walls between us and if we continue down this path, eventually they'll have to come down.

Upon reflection, I realize how far we've come. Both of us have been happier. We've been furthering the connection between us. What we share is worth treasuring and fighting for. It's worth the compromises. It's always been worth it, no matter where this journey takes us.

Setback and Play This Weekend

I hurt my back, somehow. I honestly I have no idea what I did. But it's been a lot of sharp pain. Took a hot bath which seemed to have helped. Normally when I hurt myself (I swear it doesn't happen as nearly as often nowadays), I rest and relax until I feel alright again. It's not a big deal. These things happen with age, lol.

But on Saturday, there's a big community play party. One of the groups rented out a space. There will be 65-70 people, most of whom I do know. I had plans to play with this cute young thing. She's very sweet and unfortunately will be moving in a few weeks.

Not to mention that this would be a fantastic chance for Sir and I to play. I think He enjoys showing me off. There's no way I'll be able to manage any kind of play if I'm not doing better by then. I could still watch but really that's not nearly as much fun!! I'd like to see Sir be able to play, regardless of how I'm doing. I'll admit to being curious about watching Him in action.

Plus, given how often I get the chance to play with others, it's only fair that He takes advantage of the opportunity to play freely. As long as He's happy and enjoying Himself, I'm happy. :)

So we're crossing our fingers and hoping for the best!!

Sir is away this week for job related reasons. I was going to be on the receiving end of something fun, interesting, and kinky. I found this out right after I told Him that my back was bothering me something awful. My body is looking to ruin all of my fun this week! I can't kneel or bend or extend my arms or lift anything remotely heavy or twist my body. You don't realize how much you depend on your back for everything until it starts to hurt.

Other than this minor setback, we're good. I convinced Sir to come over some time to help me paint. See, my distractions give us a reason to spend time together! I've been busy picking out colors. And no, I won't be painting with my back as it is. I know better. It'll be in May when I decide to do a painting day. It'll be a nice vanilla project to do together. :)

Safewords

A post over on FL had me thinking about safewords and the responsibility of all the people participating in a scene. The post can be found here. I thought it was very well said, given that safewords cause many who use them to be looked down upon. Oh the leaders of community talk a good game, no doubt. "These are the [standard] safewords. Play safe!" The truth is I've never seen someone safeword out of a scene. I have heard an occasional "yellow" but it's been a rarity. I've heard protests ignored as people were coerced to play with implements and in ways they very obviously didn't feel comfortable with.

I've had my safeword unheard at a friend's party. Because he brought out an object that causes very terrible things to my head space and other people had to explain quite loudly that it was an extremely hard limit for me. I've had someone interrupt my conversation with Sir to discuss said limit-object and was outright ignored. Apparently I was supposed to leave if I didn't like it. Then I had to explain why it was such a hard limit to have the person stop talking about it.

I've also been in a mindset where I couldn't safeword. I couldn't even form coherent sentences but only noises. Someone interrupted the scene I was in and because I was only making noises, no one thought there was any problem. Sir could tell you otherwise, from conversations after that. But no one stopped anything, not even Sir. He wasn't aware there was a problem. I think I may have managed a "No" and "Stop" but those aren't "standard" safewords. I also don't know if I said them loud enough to be heard because it was at a party.

I'm pretty sure Sir will never let anyone ever interrupt a scene or play again without my or His consent. Hopefully we all learned from that night. This is why there's so much noise about never putting yourself in someone else's scene. Because while it may not be a limit and even enjoyable, there was no negotiation or consent given. It's also never a good idea to surprise your sub or bottom with an additional person in your scene (unless that's something you've talked about, including the specific person or persons).

I have been in plenty of head space's where I couldn't have fathomed to utter my safeword. Why? Because sub space is one interesting place where reason and coherency often don't exist. I'll also admit that I have on occasion taken more than I could handle in terms of pain because I didn't want to use my safeword. I wanted to be stronger, better, more pleasing. I wanted to give the Top freedom to hurt me as much and as hard as they wanted.

I know my readers are mainly those who play with their significant others. I doubt many of you play in public or private events. That's fine and to each their own. But these situations can occur in your own bedroom too. I'm sure subs can attest to not being very coherent during play. Or taking more than they may have wanted in order to please their partner.

Safewords are not the answer to keeping a scene 100% safe. There is no such thing in BDSM. We play to hurt. We play to poke at wounds of all types. We play with power exchanges that are so deep it's frightening. These are inherently unsafe. We use safewords, or their equivalent of a motion, to make things safer. We get to know each other on complex and deep levels so to have a better understanding of what exactly is being exposed during play. These are necessary steps to make harm less likely, but not impossible.


So for you Doms, Tops, Masters, etc: Safewords are NOT the end-all, be-all!!!!

If you see your bottom, sub, slave is incoherent and deep in subspace, be careful how you tread from that point forward. That's on you to be aware of the signs when that occurs. This is not a time to push limits, unless you negotiated that prior to the scene starting. That is the time to watch every movement and know how to read the person in front of you. It would be better for you to wind down the scene if you're uncertain, then go forward and do damage to the other person. Because that is playing safer.

It's on everyone in a scene and while playing to keep things safe. It's why I believe safewords, verbal and non, are important. I know people who don't play with them, but I never play without one because 98% I've used one, it's had the desired effect. It's one more way to protect myself and those involved from unintentional harm. But in no way should safewords be used as the sole protection from harm in a scene.

Unraveling A Layer

Right from the start

You were a thief

You stole my heart

And I your willing victim

I let you see the parts of me

That weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them

I first heard this song a few days ago. Or, it was the first time I really heard the song. It's Pink's "Just Give Me A Reason." 

The song is an exchange between lovers. She believes he no longer loves her, that space has grown between them. But instead she's the one retreating. Up until then, the man thought everything was fine. There's also a familiarity towards the situation, as if this is something he's gone through before. Her mind is a little screwed up, but he loves her and will help make it better again.

It resonated with my head space because I know a lot of it is in my head. I was straddling the edges of a panic attack the other night. Damn book triggered me, and likely wouldn't for anyone else. A character got injured in a fight but it was the how. It's frustrating to know what's happening, to know the sensations I'm feeling aren't occurring, and yet unable to do more than keep the worst of it at bay.

I sent Him a text to let Him know what was happening. There was nothing to do but ride it out. It finally faded around mid-day yesterday. I'm okay now so please don't worry. It's something that happens, especially when I've recently been emotionally off kilter.

I shared this song with you because I understand I am that way. I realize I throw Him off when things seem fine, then suddenly my head points out all the problems, real or non-existent. I'm not always coming from a place of reason when I write here. I try to keep the worst of the paranoia away from here but I'm sure it slips through on occasion.

Yes, I want more. But what I have now is pretty damn amazing. For the most part, He's there when I need Him. I know I can always turn to Him and He'll do what He can for me. He's a very sweet man who puts up with a lot of my shit and somehow still wants to be here. Because when confronted with all the evidence, even my twisted mind has a hard time disputing the fact that He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

We talked and talked for hours last night. He may have seen a side that He wasn't expecting, in that money means absolutely nothing to me. Beyond basic living, I need very little. I live simply, and should I ever have more than I need, I'll help others rather than amass money that will just sit there. Furthermore, I would never try to keep someone unwillingly in my life. I don't ever want to be someone's obligation.

I'm not like most people. I think that confuses Him some times. For all the reasons I'm screwed up mentally and emotionally, I learned what the right priorities are in life. 

The people who want to be there, for the ups and downs. Making sure I have enough financial resources while not living in excess. Giving back to those in need. Books that challenge my mind, music that touches my heart, and food that delights my taste buds.

Sir? He wants to be here. I don't know exactly what He sees in me, but He says it's worth treasuring. When He smiles and His eyes twinkle with affection as He tells me this, I have to believe Him.

Keeping Myself Out of Trouble

I found a new book series. I'm enamored with it already. I mentioned it in a comment on yesterday's post. It's called "Capture" part of the Captive Series Book 1 by Erica Stevens. There's a passage I just read that I want to share:

He was what she had been missing; he was what she had been searching for. He was what had made her so reckless all the time, because without him she'd been so lost and empty that she hadn't stopped to think about the consequences of her actions. She knew there would be consequences for these actions, but she didn't care. In fact, even though he was something that she had always hated and fought against, she thought this might the first right thing she had ever done.

I could have written that about Sir.

Well except the "hate and fought against", the context is the girl is part of a rebel group bent on bringing down the oppressive tyrants that control the human population. Yes there are vampires. No, it's not like Twilight. Fuck that horribly written piece of crap that inspired the 50 Shades nonsense.

Anyway, Sir is what I have been searching for all my life. Long before I could piece together what I was looking for in another person, He's the man that I've always needed. I was wild and carefree. I was not thinking about the consequences of certain relationships and choices I made in my life. And because of those, I've made it difficult for Sir and I.

But the man has patience and self-control. In my heart I know He wants me as much as I want Him. After all, He's the one who wants to molest me the moment He sees me. Every time. He has the foresight to realize that we're going to want more and trying for it now will only build resentment. If that wasn't obvious by my frustration in yesterday's post, I always hurt and ache when I want to go beyond those set boundaries. It's for my own good and maybe I'll figure that out before I drive myself insane.

Figures, I read a book to distract me from everything going on with Sir and the characters end up reminding me of us. I've already purchased the second and third book. The fourth has yet to come out so I'll be tapping my fingers impatiently until then. Thankfully I fall in love with series, not stand alone books, so I always have something to catch up.

Besides my latest series of interest, I'm keeping myself busy with projects around my house. Painting, gardening. I found this lovely stair runner wool carpeting the other day at an antique store. It's absolutely stunning.

There's a gold color that works perfectly with the color designs that I want for the living area. Most of the downstairs will be painted that rich gold color. The entry hall with have themes of red with the gold, the living area a robin's egg blue with the gold. Haven't decided on the dining room yet. Hmmm, might tie in the entry way with the dining room. Have the walls share a color.

Heh, these projects keep my mind occupied which is very good for my sanity. Keeps me from straying to other thoughts. Patience is a virtue that I don't have when it comes to love. So I'll keep myself distracted to keep me out of trouble.

All The Unspoken Questions

I had another post in the works for today, filled with sweetness and love. It'll be up tomorrow, I'm sure.

But I'm not feeling that right now. I don't know if it's sub drop from over the weekend, or a minor annoyance I have with Him, or frustration over what I can't change, even though it's been this way from the beginning. Maybe a combination of the three.

We were mid-conversation over text on Monday. Often time will go between texts and that is fine. That's not my issue. When I don't hear from Him at all until I see Him the next night, I want to smack Him across the back of the head. I was worried that something had happened to Him. And I'm not in touch with His vanilla world enough to have any way of finding out if something was wrong. Do you see how terrifying that is?

I made a flippant comment last night like "So I see you're alive" and while my tone was casual, my concern was genuine. I worry when I don't hear from Him for a day and a half with no warning, especially in the middle of a conversation.

We went for drinks after dinner last night with several friends. I only had two drinks, though I swear they put too much Jack Daniels in my jack and coke. It was enough to send my mind into unhappy places once I got home. I sometimes forget what really is between us. Friends who occasionally play and have sex. I know it's a bit more complicated than that with the D/s undertones. However, I need those and if I didn't, I doubt I'd have even that.

It's frustrating because I can't change it. I've known this for several months now. Most of the time, I can be as happy as possible with it. And it's on me, not Him. My life was complicated when we met and it still is. Even as parts become more resolved, it seems like we have so much waiting to do.

In contrast to this past weekend, last night was a cold dose of reality. Enough that a part of me wants to say, "I'm done. I can't keep putting myself through this. We'll pick this up again when we have better options." But I wasn't kidding when I said I need the D/s. It is a need, not a desire or want. It would kill me more to not have something with Him. So I have to suck it up and keeping moving forward. Even when it fucking hurts and I'm fighting back tears. I have to tell myself that it's worth it.

As for sub drop, well that sucks no matter how it occurs. After that awesome high and rush, then this crash of emotions. Like a dream that ends and fades too quickly. At least the "highs" are typically worth it.

I try very hard to be a great friend and an exceptional sub. Someone worthy. I know I'm justified in my above thoughts and feelings. Regardless, I feel like I'm betraying Him. Undermining us, whatever "us" that exists. But I really don't have the answers to the unspoken questions.

So I continue on. On and on and on.

Processing

I was trying to explain myself to Sir over text this morning. I don't think I was very clear so I'm going to try to expand my thoughts here.

I've been processing the weekend. The erotic fantasy we were trying to set up? Well, at least on my end, it comes from a place of wanting to be desired. Being wanted to the point where traditional barriers are broken. It's not about the thrill of a stranger. No, more like having a place and person to belong to.

I was thinking about it early this morning. The fantasy no longer does it for me. Why? Because over the last 8 months, Sir has given me more than I could have ever hoped for. I've never felt so cherished, loved, treasured and wanted.

Even more, He's built up my own self-worth. I feel comfortable in my skin. I have my issues but He's shown me that those don't impact the value of who I am. And He's good at reminding me of that whenever I forget. He's helped me see all the wonderful things about me.

Some of my exes weren't nearly as nice. One had me convinced I could never be a good sub because of the depression. Another tried to convince me that no one but him would ever put up with my physical health issues. Basically I was told I was too much work. That who I am wasn't worth the effort.

Sir has helped me see that all they said is wrong. He's not the only one who has helped me get here but He's definitely been the most helpful. He's accepted me every step of the way. No fantasy, no matter how attractive in theory, could ever compare to the reality.

It's the man who has given me so much that I crave and long for. When He told me that I'm dear to Him, more than anyone has been in a long time...His eyes lit up, a sparkle and a warmth to them. I'm going to start crying again just thinking of it. Happy tears!

What I'm trying to say is He's amazing. Forget all the fantasies. Give me my Sir any day. I love Him. He's better than any fantasy, and unlike a fantasy, He's quite real and very much mine.

I'm still not sure this makes much sense. But maybe this will make a bit more sense to Sir than my earlier texts.

Our Weekend Adventures

Where to begin? We're both quite worn out and very happy. He left this morning as there was laundry to do as well as a meeting later this afternoon. And by leaving this morning, I mean I barely let Him leave at 11:30.

My cats approve of Him. For those who have pets, you know what I mean when I say that their judgement is pretty damn important. My cats are shy, reserved creatures. My night owl of a cat was downstairs yesterday hanging out with us. She doesn't even do that with me! The other one curled up in between Sir's legs last night. When He told me about that this morning, my heart swelled. That's just so cute!

Okay, for the parts you really want to hear about. Yes, we had our scene on Friday night. It didn't quite go the way we expected. The mood went from a break-in that was going to be filled with lots of fun to the middle of a horror movie. As soon as Sir began channeling Jack Nicholson's Joker, that's when I began crying and internally freaking out. He was trying to play mind games with me and it didn't quite translate.

Everything up to that was a lot of fun. I have lovely aches everywhere to show for it. I definitely resisted and fought back, which was fun. Apparently I liked it a bit too much as He had me on the couch at one point, fucking me hard and I was so wet that He couldn't get any traction. Heh, I ended up begging for Him to fuck me up in the ass once He had moved there. He teased me something terrible about how wanton I was.

The play only lasted about 2 hours, then we unwound for dinner. I was in a weird head space. Sir had decided that He couldn't continue on that way. It wasn't working for Him. I think when I started crying, it cut right down into Him. That man really is too sweet. He's not a mean nor heartless person. He can't even pretend to be one.

I realized that I like resisting, but ultimately I don't want it to be a stranger. I want it to be Sir. If we play aggressively with resistance again, the mood will be very different. Because it is fun fighting back, but I eventually want to give Him everything. And I couldn't help but inhale His aroma every time He got close to me. As I was crying I clung to Him, even as He was the one scaring me. I couldn't pretend because deep down I knew He was the man I'm madly in love with. The man who is my rock and strength.

We went to bed Friday night after lots of great sex. Woke up to more excellent sex. I got to have fun sucking His cock. And wildly fucking Him from on top, lol. That was fun! We also spent a good part of the night cuddled up together. So nice!

Yesterday we vegged and watched movies. He has all of "Who's line is it anyway?" on His laptop which we watched as we wound down for the night. One of the ones we watched was the unusual roommates of Bill Cosby and Hitler episode. I highly recommend watching that, lol. Honestly we just snuggled and reconnected on the couch for most of the day. It was wonderful to spend that time together.

Before He left this morning, we had some heart to heart stuff. Because I still have my doubts at times. Am I good enough? Does He miss me when we're not together? Which He helped calm some of those fears. He said that He missed me already, and He hadn't even left yet. I understood what He meant as I felt the same.

It was a much needed weekend for us. Bonding and bringing us back together. And I get to see Him on Tuesday! None of this waiting a month to see Him bullshit. Overall the weekend was pretty damn amazing and I can't wait to see Him in two days. As I do miss Him so much already.

Sooo good

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

That is all. :-D

We're just getting out of bed now, but we've been awake for 2 hours. Hee hee, I think I already wore Him out! :)

Thoughts Amidst the Preparations

My head is spinning.

I've spent the last day and a half preparing for Him to come over. Tomorrow's breakfast is baking in the oven. A phyllo dough-asparagus-egg-cheese loveliness. Or I hope it will be as I've never made it before. There's always eggs, bacon, and homefries if it doesn't work out. Dinner is going to be something spectacular. Rib eye, a squash dish, and roasted taters.

But we all know He's not coming over to have a candlelit dinner with me. No, my home is being cleaned and prepped for Him to do terrible, unspeakable things. And I'm left with this feeling of: "Omg, am I really going to do this???"

The answer is definitely a YES! But it's becoming all the more real with every passing hour.

The kitchen is the only room left looking like a mini-disaster. It's in the stages of clean-up. One of those "clean as I go" situations as I have to prep and cook dinner still. Besides that, I need to get myself ready. A nice bath to relax and shave. A quick shower after for practical cleansing.

I have to time dinner so it's ready by 7 so it can stay warm in the oven. After that, it's a rope tie of parts of me, make sure everything else is in place. Then the true waiting will begin.

It is lunch time. I should eat something somewhat hardy as who knows when I'll be eating tonight. Probably after I've been fucked a few times, heh.

I'm doing mental checklists as well as consulting my written list. I have some minor things to do left, like make sure all the toys are clean and in an accessible place. Put new batteries in the vibrators. Little things that I can't forget about.

Heh, I'm rambling to distract myself from the fact that I have no way to mentally and emotionally prepare for tonight. I've tried and there's nothing I can do. All I can see is Sir's evil grin. He gave me more than a few before bed last night. All throughout my house there are little signs of what awaits me.

He's going to make me watch, several times over. He even mentioned recording videos as things are happening for me to watch later during the scene.

I know exactly why I'm nervous. Not because of anything He plans on doing. There's healthy nervousness there and that adds to the thrill. No, this internal freaking out is because it won't matter that He's pretending to be a stranger. I will only be able to fight back for so long. Then the inner whore will appear. He'll see firsthand just how big of a slut I truly am.

That is both incredibly hot and frightening.

This is different and I like it

Last night, I was standing in the shower. Thinking about Friday night. Trying to get into that deep head space where pain, degradation, humiliation are all signs of affection. More, the place where I become soaking wet and I'm an agreeable puddle of happiness.

The train of thought derailed into large crash. Everything caught fire. I watched it burn. But somehow I walked away unscathed. All the demons of the past came back to haunt me. I've had real life non-consent that has left me broken and bleeding. I stood there with it as the water washed over me. Not the usual consuming and trying to run away. Instead it was a sharp pain, one that made me nauseous and then sick.

About half an hour later, as I was sitting against a wall, the pain began to lessen. Usually there are feelings of festering wounds that are being recovered, several weeks later after this kind of incident. 30 minutes later and I'm feeling okay. Enough that I can go back to my thoughts of Sir and I. That I was able to smile and be giddy with excitement.

Because while people have violated me, that's not what this weekend is about. It's about trust, care, affection, desires, closeness. He wouldn't do this, knowing the risks on both ends, if love wasn't part of the motivation. I was able to see this right away as I sat there. Knowing it was truth, with no voices of opposition.

It occurred to me this morning as I woke up and started getting the house ready for Sir's visit that this was new for me. That I felt fine today. Maybe not my best but definitely not depressed. I had a thought that maybe Sir is right.

Maybe pain isn't all there is. Maybe I can heal. Not for a day or a few weeks. But let the wounds truly heal.

My mind tells me that I should be upset and in pain. That something is clearly wrong because this is not my normal. There's no panic or sadness or pain. An oddness, a surreal perspective.

I'm not one to envy others. But if this is how people normally process pain from the past, flashbacks...I envy you all for this ability to bounce back. To feel pain but not be consumed about it. You may take it for granted and that's okay.

But for someone like me? This feeling is a miracle.

What awaits me on Friday

He is an evil, sadistic man!! We've been sorting out more details for Friday night. I am willingly handing myself over to Him for a wild night of depravity. And believe me, it will be quite depraved!

It's no longer just a home invasion scenario. No, it got taken up a notch or two. He'll become a stranger, who has watched me and waited. Seen all of my dirty little secrets. Knows that I'm deviant. Finally can't resist anymore and breaks in to have the object of His obsession.

A cold and heartless man who will do whatever He pleases with me. Dark, humiliating, degrading things.

Oh my fear is quite real. I've seen Him reign in during a scene. That is enough to leave me shaking and breathless. I can't even imagine the man who will be walking into my home on Friday.

Furthermore, I have instructions on how to be prepared for Him on Friday. Besides the clothing to wear, my hair will be done up nicely as well as make-up. To aid in the ruining of me. It'll be set as if He's walking in on me having a private scene with self-bondage. My legs will be tied up pretty, and effectively so I will be helpless. Hands cuffed behind my back. Blindfold and collar on. Plugged and playing with a vibrator in my pussy.

That's how He'll find me. Helpless and ready to be tormented. Exactly how He likes me. Then He'll do terrible things to me. Lots of terrible plans, some of which I gave Him the ideas for. Sometimes I'm too helpful for my own good.

It's going to be an amazing time. Filled with more orgasms than I'll know what to do with. His plan is to have me be a quivering, incoherent mess by Saturday evening. Pretty sure He'll get there before Friday night is out.

I trust Him. I have to in order to go forward with a scene like that. But yes, I am very much nervous and afraid. Emotions that He plans on taking full advantage of come Friday.