Discovering a piece of my puzzle

He chuckled at my last post. Chuckled!!

He said it amused Him because He was positive we'd had that conversation before.

Well...maybe? But that's us talking. I have a lot of self-realizations when I talk with Him. The walls I keep up disappear for the most part, even the ones that I have to keep me from myself. I think that's part of His purpose for coming into my life: Clarity.

He was mainly amused because when we spoke, it was no great revelation for me. Maybe it all made sense to Him at the time...

Just poking fun at Him, lol

It usually takes me a while to catch up though. Or figure out what it means in relation to everything else.

I mentally struggle with the idea of coexisting independence and submission. My home environment dictated women be strong and capable. Men by experience were often weak and fallible. Yet, one gender was never placed above the other. The men who were good, were really good people. Men who set their own course in life and helped others along the way.

My formative years were wrapped around the experience of impressive men and living as equals to them. Bettering myself from the rest of the men. To say I have high expectations is an understatement. Those who are in my life are subject to standards. Partners even more so.

Fondles, commenting on my second to last post, was surprised at how clearly I saw my exes for who and what they are. Ah, but the standards I have are clearly marked. Those who don't live up to them, well it's very easy to delineate them as ineffective and dismiss them from there.

It occurs to me that prior Doms weakened me in order to gain control. They had no other means in which to do so. I see that now. As screwed up as I can be, I'm a very strong woman. It's not easy to be dominant around me. So my submission was used against me. Something to be mindful of in the future.

In my heart I know there is no real conflict between independence and submission. It's simply a rebellion in my mind. An independent sub in theory can be quite an effective one. Give a task and have the knowledge it will be completed. Assistance if needed may be a struggle but that's something that can be worked around. That is where dependence in a relationship is actually a good thing.

It's one positive that prior Doms have done for me. I have no shame asking for help. Some of the independent streak has been tamed. It is a carefully walked tightrope between compliance and independence. It's a matter of knowing when there's enough of one to not overpower the other.

Allow me too much freedom and I become petulant. A lost little girl looking for guidance. Suppress the independence, I become combative and resistant. I struggle in the chains that bind me, gasping for breath.

Weak men have allowed me too much independence. Foolish, destructive men have tried to tame a wild animal without success. Both have paid the price as I walked or dragged myself away from the relationship. The latter makes me laugh with wicked delight. Poor deluded souls. They don't even realize how powerless they truly were.

While I'm not currently seeking a Dom, I will be one day. The above is important and interesting. It will change how I approach people and new relationships. This is truly nothing new for me but all the pieces are beginning to click into place.

Different Perspective

I was reading on someone's blog...I can't for the life of me remember where specifically. I went searching, but no such luck. So if someone knows what I'm talking about, please clue me in, thanks!

I read that D/s is only on the table for so long as the submissive woman is still able to function independently.

Now let me tell you, I don't often remember what bloggers have said. Especially not one line. The line didn't make sense to me so I've been sitting here for a few days trying to puzzle it out.

Dependence is part of D/s....right??

I'm a very independent. Past Doms have tried to break down this independence as they've seen it as a false thing. Not completely or entirely. Simply they saw it as a wall I kept up to keep them out.

In a relationship there is a type of co-dependence. In the sense of emotional and physical needs, one looks to their partner for fulfillment. That's why the relationship exists after all.

I'm very talented at resisting said co-dependence. Because it always felt like I was the dependent and vulnerable one.

The kinky boyfriend I have now being the exception, which frankly says a lot. We don't live in the same area, so we afford each other a lot of independence. But, we're both in the relationship as far as openness and vulnerability are concerned.

Heh, I'm supposedly the one who can't open up...yet with past Doms, it was like pulling teeth to get them to open up to me.

Looking at what works and what doesn't work...starting with a base of D/s and BDSM has a way of being totally devastating. The kinky relationships that were successful were based on friendship, then relationship, then kink.

That's exactly why the bf and I work. There is a level of caring that exceeds any D/s aspects. We treat each other with respect.

Respect. I've been missing that from relationships.

The more I think about that other person's comment, the more it dawns on me that's how I want D/s to work for me.

I like the idea of a 24/7 D/s relationship. I have for years. Yet I need to be myself, in all facets. Help coax out the positive sides I hide; don't repress who I am. Respect me for not only the submissive, but all I am.

I've been continually viewed as a sub. That's what is wrong. The sub is just a part. I need someone who is going to see me for all I am.

Learning some lessons the hard way

A deviation from my usual topic of well...Him.

Mmmmm, Him. ^_^  LOL anyway...

My latest ex has been getting quite under my skin. To the point I'm thinking, "We were together for the better part of the year? More so, you were my Dom?!"

I think he hid himself behind the title. All I know is that I'm seeing a very different side of my ex, one I'm really not a fan of.

I don't do well around whiny and desperate people. It wears down my patience and good will.

Needs and wants are different. When a loved one needs to rant, cry, etc to me I don't mind. I see the need for it. I appreciate that the person can turn to me for support, and guidance if needed. I'm aware I often need this from the people around me so I'm more than happy to give back to the people I care about.

I'll be the support you need, if you'll let me...

Bitching about not getting laid and whining that the woman he wanted to fuck is romantically interested in someone else...yeah, I can't tolerate that shit. "No, the universe is not out to stop you from getting laid. You're frankly not that important in the scheme of things."

I also think it's really hit my ex that we're not getting back together. I honestly can't see it happening. I was unhappy for awhile, which led to some realizations. I didn't feel like I was being treated as a person. I was a toy that fed his ego and desires. I'd even go so far to say our interactions were more that of a Sadist and a masochist than D/s.

The inner sub was restless. Probably why He interested me so greatly from the beginning. There's the Sadist in Him, no doubt about that. I also see the Dom that's at His very core. But that's neither here nor there at the moment.

That quote sums up my feelings for my ex. I may love and crave Sadism in scenes, but it's not something I want as part of my daily interactions with a Dom.

I also need to be strong, laugh, be sassy. That's who I am. It's not disrespectful. My personality should enrich the relationship and be appreciated...not tucked away.

It's hard to see these things while in a relationship. I'm too focused on pleasing and being what is expected of me. I don't realize that I'm losing myself. At least not at first. Then my inner nature rebels after so long. I start to see the flaws.

That's what happened with my last ex. I saw what wasn't working. It was who he is and how he views BDSM. I saw the immaturity and the constant need to argue with everyone about everything, even when it wasn't the right time to bring up certain topics of conversations.

Heh, He has seen my ex a bit. Actually, more than one...but about that ex, I think He said something to the affect of, "Wow, after reading some more of what he's written, he's a bit of a jerk." Sometimes yes, more that he has no clue on how and when to interact with others.

As for another ex He has encountered...well, asshole is probably the nicest thing he could say.

I swear, not all of my exes are horrible people, heh. Just a learning process to see what works and what doesn't.

Obviously the last two didn't work. I'll update more on what did and didn't work at another time. :)

The Unexpected and Some Sweetness

He had me grinning like crazy last night. I think I had Him smiling a lot too.

Work had stressed Him out and I sat listening. Being the support He needed in that moment.

We talked about the somewhat surprise I got earlier yesterday. One of my best friends, she has an almost 20 month old son. When they're that young, months seem more accurate than years. She is going to need surgery. Nothing terrible, but it's in her reproductive system. If all goes well, she'll be a lot healthier and her body won't be screwed up anymore.

She's changing her Will. She asked me yesterday, if anything happened, would I take care of her son...of course I would! I love her and her son. I could never deny either of them help if it was within my power. It changes everything though.

Heh, I told Him it made me feel more of an adult than buying a house did. He said, "I think you'd do a great job :)" and I know he means it. Just a bit overwhelming. Chances are my friend will be fine. She's fairly young and has a lot of will power in her. This surgery is to make her life easier, not a necessity. She's in good health otherwise. It's just a matter of making sure things are taken care of, which I completely understand.

Then I just virtually curled up with Him for the rest of the night and stayed that way. I would stay curled up with Him all the time, if I could. He's a tall, big guy: 6'4 and a strong build. I'm a foot shorter than Him, lol. To say that I would feel totally safe and protected is an understatement.

Strange as it may sound, all I would want is to be held by Him. Feel His arms wrapped around me. Maybe ruffle His hair. I'm kind of in lust with His hair. *pet pet* ha ha ha! This is why He finds me adorable and cute. :)

Jeez, I'm smiling and grinning again. He told me last night that He likes making me grin. I like it too! ^_^ He's super sweet, adorable, caring...He says He's just being Himself. That's my point. When He lets His guard down, He's just a bundle of sweetness. It's one of the things I adore about Him.

Now we need to find some time for just us so we can cuddle properly! Because this soft and warm woman is craving His embrace. :)

I want to snuggle with Him ^_^

He says I'm much happier, more alive. More like when we first met. ^_^

It's had a very pleasant reaction with Him. He feels more at ease.

We're trying to set plans for a good snuggle session. Maybe throw on a movie. It sounds terribly vanilla, I know!

But moments like this are irresistible to me!!

I don't mind and neither does He. We both crave the physical closeness that comes with cuddling.

I even told Him that I want to cuddle Him while I sleep, which is unlike me. I do not like being touched when I sleep. For Him though? I'd make an exception. He's safe and trustworthy.

There are no set plans. It'll happen when it does. We'd love to snuggle all night together. He said to me last night, "you seem like you'd fit well."  I have to agree. It always feels right when He wraps His arms around me.

I'm feeling a little under the weather, which is why I'm likely so super cuddly. But then, I always want to cuddle Him. I have since the beginning. Goes back to feeling safe around Him. It's nice to have that safety and trust in another person.

Oh one last thing, the other day I had this desire to attend a church service with Him. I told Him about it. He thinks it would be good. Likely to show me a different perspective of Christianity. I think I surprised Him by asking. We'll see what happens with that.

Personally I think it'll be a lot of fun. It's been years since I attended anything but a Catholic service. Spoiler alert: I was Presbyterian until I was 8 years old. I vaguely remember our old church. I want to say there was a large projection screen that was sometimes used. I even remember my mom teaching a sunday school class and it was the Noah's arc story.

I had always enjoyed church, no matter the denomination. The Anglican service in DC was interesting. Close to Catholism but different enough. There was a woman leading the service. It was refreshing. So I look forward to what His church can show me. I have a feeling it'll lead to quite a number of intriguing conversations. I look forward to them.

And all of those wonderful snuggles. Lots of cuddles and snuggles. Definitely looking forward to those! ^_^

Yes or No Game

Saw this over on Fondles' Blog and had to play along. Apparently it's a chain reaction from PK's Blog who I've actually not read before. But I've heard lots of interesting things so I will have to check out that blog sometime.

Two Rules: Answer in Yes or No only. And you can only explain if someone asks.

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? Yes
Had a one night stand? No
Been in a fist fight? Yes

Slept with your best friend? Yes
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? No
Slept with a member of the same sex? Yes

Seen someone die? Yes
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? Yes
Worn your partners unmentionables? Yes

Fallen asleep at work? No
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? Yes

Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? No
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? Yes

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? No
Caught someone having sex? No
Kissed a perfect stranger? Yes

Shaved your partner? No
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No

Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? Yes
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No

Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? No
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? Yes

Shot a gun? No
Gone outside naked? Yes


Hopefully I won't regret answering these!! LOL!

Getting to a Better Place

So I reread the posts I've written here...

How did I forget this post? And this one. This one too!!

Also nearly every conversation we've had.

Where the fuck has my head space been lately?? Because it sure as hell hasn't been grounded, at all. Did I over-analyze? I think I just up and lost my mind.

That man is too good for me. I think He knew I'd get it eventually.

The last two weeks have been screwed up, majorly. Maybe head trauma mixed with too many chaotic emotions. I really don't know.

But fuck, I was a bitch. Bratty. Spoiled. Distasteful.

Granted, I think getting all of that out in the open helped get me back on track. But damn was it messy along the way.

I fully apologized and He forgave me...because that's the kind of person He is. I think He realized I had to work some things out...if my last few posts didn't make that glaringly obvious.

I have a tendency to become so narrowly focused that I ignore everything else going on around me.

Beyond what's been going on here, the past few weeks have been emotionally taxing and draining...separately in both our lives. It's just added to a lot of the tension and pressure.

I hope from this point forward I can keep my shit together...remember the bigger picture. Be happy for what I do have.

Despite the chaos of the last few days especially...I've not lost sight of the fact that I am so blessed that He and I met. I cherish our friendship and the connection we've shared since day one. My life has had a lot more laughter and fun. I'd do well to remember that. Even more so remember how damn awesome this man is with all the support He's given me in the short time we've known each other.

So yeah, I'm in a better place. I think it'll lead to the two of us being in a better place as well. I've been extremely happy today. Lighter. Free. It's a good feeling. :)

Change for the better

The poem I wrote...It's been sitting in me along with a number of other thoughts. I realize how blah, worrying, vulnerable, etc I've been lately. It's not fun.

The poem isn't actually as bad or sad as it seemed. I've given up trying to fight this. Trying to define, move, alter, progress it. I gave up fighting the love I feel because it's been turning me into a not fun person to be around. Even I didn't want to be around me.

So, I will take a chance...on hope and on love.

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I'm rereading our conversations from the beginning. We had so much more fun together then.

I changed and it changed His reactions. I've been so wrapped up in the details I missed the bigger picture. I was missing the fun of discovery.

There are ways to handle emotional insecurity and pain. I wasn't doing that. He's been good to me, all things considered.

I will work on me. Work on just letting things happen as they will. Heh, I read His words even from the beginning. The man is interested in me. We talk daily. He lets me rant about stupid shit in my head.

I have absolutely no reason to be worried. So He isn't in love with me. It would make no difference right now even if He was. Likely would make things more difficult.

I am going to work on being that adorable, snuggly, confident woman that He initially was drawn to. Because that's a way better part of me than I've been showing lately.

Destroyed and Rebuilt (Poem)

Tears are pouring down where I wish words to flow

Washing my hands of this ill-begotten battle

It's time to hang up the white flag, surrender

Cut my heart out and serve it on a platter

Where you can shape and remold it

Into the vessel that best serves your plans

Leave out the love and the nurturing

Lessons learned in pain stick better to my soul

What's another scar on a body lined with them

Play the games you've mastered so well

Always two steps behind, won't see your moves

As you shatter what's left of me

Remember to put me back together again

Give back the life you ripped from me

To rise like the phoenix from the ashes

Doing Something Different Part 2

In tandem to my last post...

What I feel for Him is not inherently D/s based. It's definitely not sexually based. The sex could stay off limits for as long as needed and I'd be totally okay with that.

We could even put all the D/s and play to the side as well. Neither of those are what I'm looking for from Him right now. Because benefits don't have to be physical.

Contrary to His view, I'm not after sex. Even when I flirt and am being all sexy, it's just part of my nature. I told Him I wouldn't make the first move. I flirt, tease, tempt, etc with everyone. It's part of who I am. Doesn't mean I expect more. Hell, that doesn't even mean I want more.

I'm not sitting here fantasizing or wishing for sex with anyone. Not even D/s stuff. That's not where my head is at. Most of the time it's not there...unless someone else brings it forward.

It's about Him as a person. Wanting to be emotionally closer to Him.

Wanting Him to want me to be closer.

At times, it does feel like all He wants is friendship from me...on His terms, in His way.

It's why I find some things so hard to say. Because it feels like He doesn't want to hear it. He's good at listening to me with religion, my head space, emotions...

But the moment it moves to things about Him...it feels like He puts up walls. And I don't know if He doesn't want to hear it...or can't. If He's protecting Himself. Or god only knows what. I sense it though.

It leaves me hesitant, reserved, questioning. It stops me from saying things here, and elsewhere. Stops me from telling Him everything that's going on.

There are times when I fear that the next thing I say will be the breaking point that makes Him push me away. He says He won't...but when He's constantly throwing up walls, it's hard to be certain.

He's still here...Supportive. Sweet. Understanding.

I want desperately to believe Him. That what He feels is real. That He wants to be part of my life in some capacity. That He's not going anywhere. That the feelings I express won't push Him away.

It's not even that I don't trust Him to be there for me. I do trust Him, explicitly. It's the implication...it's scary. Tie it back into the feelings I have for Him and all that fear.

Yet, I never want to lose Him. In any capacity. I want Him to be in my life. I want this closeness...and the possibility for an openness that is definitely there.

But notice how I don't want to lose Him. Who is He as a person and the value/existence of the connection we share. I hope He hears/sees that.

I see Him as a friend and a companion of sorts. Yes, the Dom is there. The sexual nature too. But I've learned from and with Him that it's the total discovery of a person that is most enriching and fulfilling.

I know that one sounds obvious. But I've gone in search for a Dom, focused solely on that compatibility and then realized that the rest didn't click. I've also clicked with people and hoped to be compatible with kink. Neither were effective.

It's a good lesson, one that I'm applying to all parts of my life. There is a definite shift in how I view the people around me. I think it's a healthier point of view.

All the layers are pulled back and what's a priority is very clear. Deal with what I feel for Him, fully and completely. Do it in a way that allows us to be friends and continue this close bond.

As I told Him earlier, I can handle the heart ache if that's what it comes down to.

I can't handle my life without Him in it.

Doing Something Different

I'm struggling against the love I feel for Him. Fighting it tooth and nail to keep it under wraps. It's why I'm having this roller coaster of emotions.

I try so hard to keep the love out of our interactions. Yet when I'm around Him, or sometimes when we're just talking, it slips free. Butterflies in my stomach. My heart sighs in contentment. I can't help but smile and be happy.

So what's the problem with that?

I'm terrified of it.

I don't want to love a man I'm just friends with. I can't lie to myself or Him about it. Wish I could. It's going to hurt. Because I feel like I can't show and express that love.

We're friends with benefits. The key word there being friends. That is all we can be right now. I accept that.

But love...oh love has no place there.

If I let the love in, it has to have hope to survive and not destroy me. But the hope itself is destructive. There are no promises. No guarantees. I can't crash again from hope. I don't have the strength for it. Last time I crashed from a place of hope, mentally I collapsed. Physically...my body broke. I'm at the point of mending from that. I can't go through it again.

It feels like having half the pieces of two puzzles and trying to create picture from them. At a certain point, it just doesn't work and there's nothing else to do.

He says I think in terms of extremes. Because either this is something or it isn't. And if it is, I want to work towards that. Even if it's half and baby steps for right now.

If it's something...I want to learn every piece of who He is. How He thinks and views the world. What makes Him tick and what fills His heart with joy. The mark of love is seeing all a person is and embracing them for every little piece.

I need Him to let me in. Let me get to know Him. I need Him to see all of me. He needs to want these too.

We were talking about it last night. He says He wants to get to know the people around Him, not just their kinks (in reference to the kink community we're involved with).

I need us to be working towards...some of growth and development. Even if that's just getting to know each other better. Working on strengthening the connection that we share. Something! Anything!

If this isn't something...and He doesn't want to work on it...then I have to let it go. Because it's not doing me any good. I can't just "leave it be" until an unforeseen time. It's very obvious that it doesn't work for me.

For god's sake man, let me know that you appreciate that I'm in love with you. Realize that I need to do something with it. I can't have it exist and not let it grow.

A flower...either the earth will move and shift to let it free...or it'll be stifled under the ground, never having life.

Love, like that flower, is alive. It can not be put on hold.

I'm not asking to date you...I'm asking for you to start the process of something more with me.

I just need to know, one way or the other. Because *this* is what we've been avoiding that I've been trying to find the words for. Maybe you'll tell me that this is what you wanted all along. Heh, it wouldn't truly surprise me. I'm terrible at figuring you out.

I need to do something different here...and I'd rather that be working towards something with you...instead of away.

Falling Apart

We do a lot of talking, sometimes communicating well. Most of the time not, but we're getting there.

One piece of the puzzle at a time. I understand He only lets people in so far. It's less deep than He thinks.

Plus, He wears as many masks as I do. That's saying something.

Truth be told, this connection is tearing me apart. It's not His fault.

I need to do something different.

I just don't know what...

But if I don't do something, my mind is going to unravel and I'll slip back into a depression.

I don't know how to turn it off. I can dampen the sexual nature. Turn it off even, if necessary.

That's not the issue, heh.

It's the pull of the Dominance towards my submission. That's emotionally based. It's a feeling of security and a desire for closeness.

How do I stop that from happening? And if I can't, how the hell do I manage it so it doesn't drive me insane?

Because while He's not encouraging it, He's not denying it.

It's an uncertain promise, a whisper of hope...

The smart thing would be to remove Him from my life. That sounds reasonable, right? I don't have the willpower or courage to do it.

It's not something I want to do.

I don't want to hurt every time I see Him. I don't even understand why I'm hurting. Why there's this pit in my stomach. Why it feels like my heart is being torn apart. Why I struggle to breathe.

Then He smiles and jokes, putting me at ease. Only for it to return.

I've been rejected before. That's nothing new. I've loved and lost. So why does this man, who shouldn't mean near this much to me...why are my feelings for Him making me lose my mind...

That whole "I'm content and it'll be okay?" Yeah that didn't last.

I'm crying and I have no idea why. This is what I mean. I just don't understand it. Thinking about Him and all of this, it makes my heart hurt. I end up sobbing. In public, I have to put on a mask and suppress the tears.

I'm tired and not in the way sleep can fix.

Touch of Dominance??

I have been dominant. I have even owned submissives of my own. With some, it was fulfilling. Others ended before I got a firm grasp on their submission.

There's always been something missing though. I don't do well with all the power. Or even most of it.

There's a Sadist in me that I recognize all too well. But that's pretty damn separate from the dominance that I'm not entirely sure whether it exists in me or not.

I'm an Alpha submissive. I don't enjoy being "beneath" the level of another sub. There's an emotional appeal to the idea, but in reality, I'm much stronger of a personality. The idea of being given temporary power over another sub is something I'm very comfortable with.

I'm thinking about all of this, after not touching dominance for two years because tonight I'm willingly dragging it out of the closet to make an appearance at an event. I have a female friend who is trying to bring out a submissive side that she only half wants to acknowledge. It's a costume party and I'm doing as a "dominatrix" LOL!!

Only, it's not so much of a costume. Maybe a "mask" of sorts. This woman and I play somewhat regularly. Flirt all the time. She's dating a guy, who is more than okay with our interactions. Tonight is to help both of them. She has trouble trusting men. She feels comfortable around me. Hell, I know about the submissive nature and her boyfriend doesn't...yet.

He'll see it tonight, if I can do all I want with her.

I want her to see that being submissive won't change people's opinions of her. No one will take her less seriously. I understand all too well that it's vulnerable being submissive. I want to give her a safe place and a fun night to show her that it doesn't need to be scary.

Then hand her off to her boyfriend so he can possibly play with her sub nature a bit.

That right there is the kicker. It's not about her submitting to me. It's just getting the nature out, then placing her in more capable hands. He's Dominant. Deliciously so. It's natural for him and it's where he belongs.

I am very happy and content as a submissive. Helping others with submission now and then is okay with me. I can handle that and it lets the Sadist have some fun. But dominance long term is not me.

Maybe in tandem with a Dominant, I could see letting my dominance out to play more. See what it could develop into.

This is going to sound strange, but I'm not a Switch. I have no desire to have power over others. There's absolutely no appeal. There is a spark of dominance somewhere in me, I think. But not enough to ever truly be dominant.

If this makes any sense to you, please send me notes. Because frankly I'm confused by my own nature.

Pondering Faith and Religion Part 2

More on religion...We'll return to our regularly scheduled program of kink and bdsm tomorrow.

I found a religion called Wicca in my teens. Though I funnily enough found witchcraft a few years earlier but didn't do much with it. While it explained the energy I felt and all I can do, it's never fulfilled my spiritual needs.

Because no matter how I package it, the Creator isn't in my life anymore.

It's left me questioning what was real and what was the imagination of an emotional starved child. I can't say.

In the time since, I have come across...something else. Several somethings. I have wondered if they are but aspects of the divine or something else entirely to bridge the gap between us and the Creator.

I don't have answers to nearly all the questions I have asked over the years.

The Church becomes appealing in these moments because they do have answers. X, y, and z are what is. A, b, c is how you live. It's all neatly packaged.

But to go back is to dismiss everything I have felt, experienced, and learned since.

And while I believe Christ exists, I have resigned myself to the fact that he's not my path to the divine.

These questioning thoughts often arise around Him. If you heard Him speak about His faith, you'd understand. He's been divinely touched; I have no doubts about that. I recognize it because I used to have the same Voice. Same depth and breath of belief.

I've been told I still have it. Given how many lost Christians, especially Catholics have found me, I'd believe someone wants me to do something. I give people all the options. Many fall into some sort of paganism, happily so.

There's even a joke in the pagan community that Wiccans are recovering Catholics. Heh.

I guess I have difficulty fully letting go of Catholism because it was such a large part of me for years. I understand it. There's a comfort of familiarity about it. It's just not the answer when it comes to my personal faith.



EDIT...because frankly this song belongs with this post:

And...

Pondering Faith and Religion

First off, we're good.

Decided to keep doing this like we have been.

That man is terrible for my peace of mind and sanity...but He more than makes up for it. Also, He's aware of how His influence is frustrating. It's enough that He's aware because we really can't fix it right now.

I got another glimpse at the man behind the Dom. See, He's layered. There's the gentleman, then the Dominant, and behind that is the man without any masks.

But honestly what's on my mind right now is religion. I was raised Catholic. My beliefs were strongly rooted. Until the doubts began, as young as 12 years old.

I fell for a girl and then another. All the while I still had feelings and attractions to guys. I kissed a girl for the first time at 13. I loved her for a long time. Carried her in my heart.

She's why I struggle with relationships with women. Because I let her in so deep. More than I let in any guy.

Yet, I would be condemned because the person I have loved most and wanted more than any other was someone of the same sex.

I admit I am pansexual. I love people because of who they are, not their gender. That feels far more accepting than a Church who would have people only be with the opposite sex.

I believe in energy that is in all things. It can go by many names. I see it as the divinity in all things, including the inanimate and what is not visible to the human eye. I've always believed that.

I miss the Church. I miss having beliefs that were easy. I miss belonging to something more.

At the same time, I can not go back to a belief that will never accept me for who I am.

The love I have for people, regardless of gender, enriches their lives. It's not harmful. I can't believe in a Creator that would say such love is sin.

Add in my polyamorous nature, and I really don't belong with Christianity.

So why am I thinking about it?

Because I know what it's like to be with someone whose beliefs are radically different. When I left the Catholic Church, it was ill-received by my family. I was condemned for believing something different.

I was reminded tonight of how different our beliefs are from each other. He said He's man of science and faith. I can't see how the two reconcile, but we'll go with that.

So I got to thinking in just a general sense. Could I ever go back? I don't think I could. Going to Church and believing are two very different things. I can't see myself believing in something so opposite of who I am.

It's one large obstacle between us.

He may be falling for me...there's definitely something there that has a lot of potential. We know I'm already in love.

However, given that we're nothing more than friends with benefits, it's a non-issue. It's something to keep in mind should things ever step up to another level.

It was just a thought path that led to two hours of thinking about faith and religion. It's not even about Him, really. I've thought about the Catholic Church a number of times in the last few years. I even attended Mass. But it's dark to me. It no longer has that warmth and the divine presence that I used to feel.

An interesting thought...but nothing more.

Content with no regrets

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow this is all settled.

No matter what happens, I'll be relieved and happy.

Yes even if we remain friends only and I never get to feel His touch again, I will be happy.

My life is better just for having Him in it. Richer. Fuller.

While some part of me hopes and waits with bated breath, I'm not worried.

I have no regrets.

Love is a funny thing. Unconditional even more so. I fell in love knowing full well He may never feel the same. I love Him to a depth that I will be happy for Him, no matter where His life may lead Him.

When I woke this morning, it was as if from a fog. Depression is also a funny thing.

I've not mentioned the details of why we don't have something more. The reasons haven't changed. My drive for more has.

He is worth fighting for. Even helping Him fight his hesitancy and doubts, if He'll let me.

Before I had the courage to tell Him that I love Him, I used the word "adore" which I still find apt.

I respect that He takes time to make decisions. And that He's aware now is the time to make one. Though I may have given Him a slight push, heh.

No regrets. None at all.

I'll be a bundle of nerves tomorrow. That's okay.

In this moment, I am content. I have done all I can. Laid forth what I'm willing to do, if necessary.

I'm soaking in a hot bath. All the tension gone. A decision is finally being made.

I can relax in peace.

Crash & Burn...Hope & Love

When I crash and burn it's a lot like an airplane taking a nose dive into the ground. I say into the ground because typically I'm able to watch the descent even if I can't do anything to stop it.

Last week though, I flew straight into a mountainside. It was unexpected. I wasn't prepared (as much as anyone can be for these things).

Then it was like waking up from a horrible dream that I can't shake.

Because I misread Him. And fuck it, I'm capitalizing the "H"s again. For the sake of clarity and out of respect. Maybe a little bit too because I love Him and feel like He deserves some recognition from me.

I realize I often misread Him and the situation. He needs to work on communication skills that don't involve three hour in person meetings every time He needs to tell me something. Or I find out things every three or four weeks.

See, He reads this blog. He knows me in several places where He has access to what I'm thinking and feeling. Sometimes my feelings just are. Like I misread the situation, again.

*news flash*  
That will likely end up being the story of this blog, at this rate.
*news flash*

When I was expressing myself, it wasn't a confrontation towards Him, though He took it as one. Simply, He wanted to know what was going on in my head. So I told Him.

Fears and doubts aren't always rational or right. That doesn't mean they don't exist and aren't affecting me greatly.

So back to the plane crash. There are things I do after a "plane crash":

• I make sure I'm alive.

• I check out the wreckage.

• Typically it's on fire, so I have to put it out. That can take awhile.

• I do what I have to do, being numb most of the time with occasional bursts of hysteria.

• Figure out where I am so I can find a way to continue on to where I'm going.

I thought I lost Him, for good. Even if it's not the case, my mind began to go through that process.

While I'm keeping it together pretty damn good, I've been crying my eyes out randomly. I'm set off oh-so-easily.

It's going to take some time to realize that the crash and burn didn't really happen. I'm still going to have to heal from it in some way.

This is something I'm not sure He's seeing.

Maybe I'm a little bit afraid to put myself back out there without a better understanding of Him and what He wants.

I think He sees I'm hurting because He feels bad about it. He's afraid of doing it again. But I want to scream, "You can't leave! I can handle the scrapes and bruises. Please don't pull away...because that will break me."

I have it bad for Him. Heck, I'm in love and not afraid to say it. I love Him still, even though our miscommunication hurt me. It was two sided-I don't blame Him.

I see His scars and I want to heal them...I don't care if they were self-inflicted or caused by others.

I want to touch, kiss, and hold Him until He no longer feels alone.

I want to make Him smile each and every day.

I want to feed the Hunter inside of Him, because I'm not afraid and never will be.

I want to help Him grow to be the man He so wants to become.

So yeah, I may be hurting. I may be questioning a little. But I adore and love this man. I will endure for Him, if that's what He wishes.

This pain is but a drop in the ocean compared to everything wonderful He makes me feel.

We both need to not forget that temporary bad doesn't outweigh all the good.

Fully attempted, half success of a day

The kink community in my area is rather small. It doesn't take long to get to know most of the active people. At some point, it feels like even if you haven't met someone, you have so many mutual friends that it's only a matter of time. It's a nice cozy experience.

It can also feel confining. As if everything you do or say in public is somehow known by everyone. Or all it takes is a few misspoken words and suddenly the community views someone differently.

I don't share a huge chunk of my life with the outside community. I can't, for a variety of reasons. I'm working on not having a need to be so hidden, but change takes time.

I was out in public with some of the community, people I consider friends. There were a few moments when I wanted to speak up about a few things. Because I have some insight about a number of people that they just don't have.

At the same time, it both feels like it's not my place (even if I would be defending friends or people who could become such), and it could cause further speculation.

So I said what I could. What I thought was appropriate.

I tried my best to keep everyone happy and things running effectively. Given the amount of miscommunication and issues that arose, it didn't work out quite that way.

Next weekend is full of kinky events. Lots of time to be spent with good friends. Hopefully no drama. No stress.

I didn't think today was going to have problems. I wanted a day full of laughs and memories. Definitely had a few, but it wasn't nearly as spectacular as I had wanted. That's just the way seems to work out.

Sorting Out the Details

We've been doing a lot of talking.

The play and subtle D/s has been put on the back burner.

We need to figure out where we're going and what we want this to be.

Heh, a few things we hadn't been saying came out into the open.

We care about each other more than either of us realized.

Time for another in person talk over coffee. While I explain myself better in written word, he prefers things to be in person with verbal communication.

Thankfully, I've put my cards on the table already. Now I just need to hear his perspective.

I'm flexible. I'm both willing to wait and willing to take a stand now.

I believe the friendship and connection we share is strong enough to make either decision succeed.

I'm no longer worried about anything he'll tell me. Like I said, a lot that was hidden came to light in the past week.

Maybe Not As Bad As I Thought

Apparently I misread the situation...

Our continual lack of effective communication skills.

We were talking past each other, again.

Also misinterpreting so much on both of our parts.

I'll let you know where the pieces fall...

It feels like the end

I went to bed crying last night. I couldn't stop the tears or the thoughts in my head.

Eventually I had to shut all my emotions away just so I'd be able to sleep.

He...is just a friend now.

He said I'm one of his best friends and he's happy he didn't lose me.

He didn't want to see me get burned, because I was getting too close.

Kind of too late for that.

There's something I never told him. I can't now.

I don't know what to do with this blog.

I'm not going to get rid of it. I may just not post as often.

The weekend was nice at least. I can tuck that away into the happy folder in my mind.

Everything has changed.

I don't know what else to do except cry. I'm going to cry until I can't anymore.

And a light bulb went off...

We were talking and I had a moment where a light bulb went off in my mind.

I'll be the first to admit that I have had some not so great relationships.

Some of those weren't with bad people. But the relationship dynamics didn't work.

I guess it stems back to the first Dom I had. It was an online relationship with a guy from the UK. I have a thing for Brits, heh.

He was the first to coax out my submissive nature. He spent a lot of time working on me. (note the word choice on "working one me"...not working with me)

He labeled my submission...he also labeled the strong willed, independent side of me. He did his best to repress that side of me. In the end, he didn't feel like I was submissive enough and walked out of my life.

I have since seen those sides of me as opposite and contradicting.

I let others suppress the independence. When I discovered I was more submissively inclined, I thought that the independence was a curse. A falsehood of sorts, created by life's circumstances, instead of being part of me.

I'm not so convinced of that anymore.

Maybe the independence is good for me. It makes me stronger.

Bridging the gap between the submission and independence is I need to do for myself.

Back to the light bulb moment. Part of the reason why my last Dom and I didn't work was because I was mentally and emotionally stronger than him.

Even with all my faults, cracks, and weaknesses...I was stronger. I could talk my way out of punishments. I could subtly control the direction of the relationship. Not because I wanted to...but he couldn't keep up with me. So I ended up leading.

When I began to realize that back in July...I knew it was only a matter of time until I would have to walk away.

I need a Dom who won't try to fracture me. Instead, help keep me whole.

I need someone who can keep up with me, maybe stay one step ahead at times.

Heh, when I told Him of my realizations He told me I'd already said something of this nature to Him. Maybe some part of me always knew. It just took me awhile to consciously wrap my mind around it.

I'm sure this is just another step in the struggle to understand myself. To come to terms with who I am.

The best/strangest part about all of this??

The more He and I get to know each other (and discover more about ourselves along the way), the more we realize how well we do fit together.

A lot of it is generalities, so it'll be interesting to see if our general compatibility works when it comes to the specifics.

I've never had the chance to take things this slowly, or to explore this much of another person before being in a relationship.

I think I prefer it this way.

Even...even if I'm realizing more than I want to admit to...things He may not even be aware of yet...

I miss Him

My mind hasn't quite caught up with His revelation (the one I mentioned in my previous post).

It's stuck in: "Wait...what???"  *tilts head*

Under the surface though, there's a lot going on.

I'm giddy like a 5 year old going to Disney World.

Nervous and worried like a senior in college taking finals.

There's the quiet, pensive side stating calmly that the information has been well received and has been filed into the proper shelf in my personal library...to be called upon if/when it's relevant.

Maybe it'll settle in when I see Him next.

It's been too long since I've last seen Him. Touched Him.

We talk every day but it's not the same.

I miss His laugh and smile.

The looks that go right into my soul.

Two days. Then I'm all His...

Full of Surprises

He is just full of surprises...

Some of our conversation from last night:

Him: "Though I'm not your Dom, I would like to get you trained a little better."

me: "Well, that's a difference of opinions...some would say I was trained very well previously lol."

Him: "Yes but that was for them."

me: "Yes I know. I was just teasing."

Him:  ":P"

me: "You want me trained for your needs."

Him: "Yes. Because some day, I would like to take your leash if it is possible."

Him: "And if not, I'd at least like to get you to the point where you can take care of yourself when you are at liberty."


I was startled and shocked...in a pleasant way.

I knew He was interested in me. I wasn't not aware of the level to which those feelings existed.

He's trying to be more direct with me, and it's really showing.

I have a lot to say about that small snippet of conversation. I have no idea where to begin though. Something for another post I guess.

This weekend should be interesting, given that we have plans to meet up. Dinner, movie...and some other fun.

I'm excited for some alone time with Him. Sexually charged alone time. I'm sure I'll be in for more surprises.

Learning some lessons

I have a lesson to learn.

Learn when to be quiet and do as I'm told.

He appreciates that I want to give back to Him. He appreciates the effort.

At the same time, I need to learn that He knows what He wants and needs. If He wants more, all He has to do is say so.

It's not my place to push that.

He also needs to be more direct in putting a stop to behavior in me He doesn't like.

I thought were were kind of flirting with word usage too, which was fun for me.

I assumed...that got me in trouble.

I thought He should have more in return for what He's given me. I assumed He'd want more.

Also, I need to be more direct myself when it comes to asking for things from Him.

I'm working on it! I'm still learning what He expects of me. What leeway I have. It's also harder to define the line since we're friends with benefits, not Dom/sub.

Though the line between the two is very fine in our case.

I did notice that since our conversation on Sunday, we're not talking past each other.

That's why we managed to get the newest lessons out into the open with little fuss.

Having a lot more out in the open seems to be helping...even if I do need to learn my place.

If He wants me more submissive, pliable, obedient...I have no issues with that. At all.

I think it's a side of me He wants to see more. Flex His dominance.

Sounds like a fun time to be had!

Emotional Roller Coaster

I have a heck of a lot to process right now. I really don't know where to begin...

He's human, lol. Honestly I wasn't sure for awhile there!! He's always so damn confident and self-assured. Withdrawn and mysterious.

Previously, I'd been let in a little and then pushed out again.

I confronted Him about it in our conversation. It's really confusing and my emotions often reflect the roller coaster of our interactions. But as I told Him, I'd rather have that than nothing at all.

The fact of the matter is He doesn't want to pursue something more with me because of one incredibly huge factor. That's fine. I understand that.

It's also something I expect to have changed relatively soon. Maybe a year, two years time.

I know that doesn't seem "soon"...which is why I said relatively, heh.

I want something now. So does He. That's something He made clear last night.

Though waiting for me is not something I'll ever ask Him to do, and expressed such. Even if I do want Him to...even though I'm willing to hold off on pursuing anything, with anyone else in the mean time so we can actually get a chance to do this right.

He said something really interesting about polyamory. He doesn't want to share power with anyone else. Partially because He's selfish. The other part is fascinating. He can't make sure that whoever else I'm with is treating me right.

That's a perspective I've never gotten from a Dom before. It makes so much more sense.

Not that either of us are monogamous. Poly just has many different facets.

I could be happy with only one person having power over me. Especially if I was around the person a good amount of time, and it was a pretty tight leash I was on. I think that would work. Play with others would still be on the table. I'm sure I could even keep the boyfriend I have now, because there is no power exchange between us.

I have a boyfriend who runs the spectrum of kinky. I don't hold him to any boundaries of monogamy, which is why I expect him to find a really sweet girl one day. Someone he can call all his, but he needs time to grow into the dominant and sadist I see inside of him.

But that won't be me. I've been well aware of that for several years now. He's acquiesced to me in non-relationship format for so long that trying to reverse that would be an uphill battle I don't think we'd win.

Just a bit of perspective. Now I get to mull over the rest of what He and I spoke about last night.