Good Girl

"Good girl" is a phrase I'm assuming we're all familiar with. I want to unravel the significance and personal importance those words have. Please indulge my attempts to sort through the thoughts my mind is circling around.

In the context of BDSM, "good girl" has no inherent correlation to "Littles." The leap to that conclusion is an obvious one, even if it is a false assumption. For those unfamiliar with Daddy/Mommy and little relationships, I found this article to be a good emotional and honest explanation.

The usage of "girl" has no significance to one's age, in any regard. Instead it is an idea that fans the flame of Dominance and submission. One that exposes the submissive behavior under a bright spot light while simultaneously praising it.

For some, "good girl" brings on a rush on endorphins and an emotional high. The surge that courses through a sub's mind and body, like water cleansing and renewing.

It is an acknowledging of a task completed, but furthermore, one which has been performed well. It is earned, often with great struggle. When one pushes past the social conditioning and internal debates to give oneself over to the will of another, in those moments one earns that "good girl" praise from the lips of the Dom.

"Good girl" helps cement the D/s relationship. It builds trust and appreciation. Subs flounder when uncertain, confused, unsure, lost, etc. Their job is to be pleasing, submit, serve. When doubts creep in, and there is no confirmation that they are just as the Dom wishes them to be, "good girl" can be one of many forms to bridge that gap.

For those Doms that can find the balance between over-abundance and sparsity, they will find themselves happier as well. For when their subs are confident and content in submission, life is better for all involved.

As for where I stand with the phrase "good girl", it tightens the chains of Dominance. It liberates my submission. Sir often marvels at how deep I travel down into subspace. Yet even though He's convinced a slave is hiding just beneath my surface, I still struggle from time to time.

The phrase is like many triggers I have to snap my head space into compliant submission. I would argue it's one of the most powerful, at least for me. For though it helps bring me back to where I'm needed, it is a balm to doubts and hesitation. It is warmth to the cold depths of fear.

When I'm told I'm a "good girl" the burden is removed. I can relax and be at peace. If there is freedom in submission, "good girl" is one key that opens the lock to where I hide away.

Where A Wayward Thought Will Lead

Our conversations always end up in intriguing places. Last night was no exception.

I have been very stressed out since around Christmas. The last few days have been a test of my patience. My body is a tense and unpleasant mess. It was too late for a bath last night but I will be soaking in heaven this evening.

Apparently my delicious Sir was highly aroused last night. With the mention of all the stress, He said cuddles were in order...and a beating on Saturday. I love parties! He's normally not that forward with kink so I know His mind was in some wonderfully dark place.

I casually mentioned that I should take a bath today or I won't survive the week. He took that idea and ran with it!  "Mmm, hot bath. That sounds like fun for two."

We bounced around ideas. I've seriously considered renting a hotel room for the night with a large jacuzzi for us to soak and play in. So obviously I told Him this idea. He mentioned we were liable to have several noise complaints.

Unless...we were in a private cabin. Like last summer, where He tempted me for a week to come and visit Him. This was shortly after we met, maybe two weeks later. He wanted me to drive down to a cabin in the middle of nowhere. God only knows what sort of trouble we would have gotten into, LOL!

"Well, if we wanted real fun, find a secluded cabin, not just a skiing one. I'd hold you captive for a week."

*shivers* "I think we need to make this happen." :)

So, at some point expect to see us vacationing in the middle of nowhere, in a cabin all to ourselves. I will be His helpless captive, and He'll be my tormenting kidnapper.

And I'm not thorough or anything...by looking at cabin prices in our state as well as a few other local states...Of course I found one that I really like that is very reasonably priced. Which is only a three hour drive away, with a full kitchen and inside jacuzzi.

There's another cabin site about 5 minutes down the road. Where we could get a jacuzzi and private hot tub. Decisions, decisions. The jacuzzi is better in the first place, but a hot tub is appealing. I'll have to send Him all the details about those cabins and the general location. See if He approves. :-D

I'm texting Sir now; He is greatly amused. Also, He agreed that a long weekend is doable. Need to ask what His definition of a long weekend is. Tentatively aiming for late August or September. The rates are the best for warm weather. It also gives us plenty of time to work out the details.

Honestly, the initial searching was more an instant curiosity. See how much a cabin in the middle of nowhere would set us back. The ones in our state are more expensive than I expected. For the same distance of driving (we live in a decently large state, near the southern end of it), we could go to another state and spend half the money. Plus it's a new place we can explore!

Though I do wonder how much we'll be leaving the cabin hee hee hee. He comes up with the best ideas, even if semi-unintentionally.

Ponderings

An interesting note to bring up about our time together from the weekend. I wanted to refer to Him as "Sir" on a number of occasions, especially while we played. But I found myself hesitating to address Him with that honorific. When we're in the midst of a scene, it's a fitting usage. The lines are a bit blurred for the rest of our time together as I know He doesn't always want to be "Sir".

I also wanted to cuddle the heck out of Him, the entire time. There was this need to be in physical contact. I mentioned that I would have been happy to have spent the entire day snuggled in bed with Him. That damn "someday" appeared, but for once I was happy. Because it's something I really want to do and knowing He wants it too is heartwarming.

Upon rereading my previous post, I realized my writing style is dissimilar to many of the bloggers I follow. I don't detail our exchanges, as if telling an erotica story. Give an overview? Sure. Puzzle over emotional/physical responses? You bet!

Nothing I would write could ever compare to the moments we share. Even my memories can't do that time justice, as I'm often "drunk" via subspace. Sir could probably give a much more accurate/interesting view...

*ponders* Since I can rarely convince Him to write in His own space...maybe I can convince Him to do a guest posting.

My sleeping patterns have been thrown off since the return to my own home. My bed is too big and He's not there cuddled up against me. I'm hooked after one night; I don't want to sleep without Him. We'll find a way to make it happen, and soon. ^_^

A Night I Won't Soon Forget

I have a feeling this will be a long post as I'll be telling y'all about the roughly 24 hours from Friday into Saturday. So enjoy the ride!

It started innocently enough as I arrived at Sir's place. He was making dinner, which turned out quite well. I was thoroughly impressed. Then we watched Captain America and the Avengers, finishing up that movie series. At least for the time being, as I was informed Iron Man 3 will be out soon.

We snuggled and cuddled on the couch, with Him occasionally groping me. That man is a total tease!! One position was a perfect cuddle for me. I was leaning against Him in a way that He could rest His head against my arm. I loved that because every so often He'd nuzzle and kiss my arm gently. Slipping a hand up into my hair to gently pull was also quite delightful!

Mmmm, He did push me up against a wall in the kitchen (maybe the pantry closet door??) and kissed me deeply. My body responded immediately!! I melted in His arms and was soaking wet. Then He pushed me to my knees and had me suck Him for a while. I do so love that, probably nearly as much as He does, lol!!

After the movies were over, it was nearly midnight. He decided it was bedtime and I had no complaints to that! Once in His bedroom, He quickly removed my clothing. I've noticed He loves undressing me. There's something delicious about it that I can't quite put my finger on. His clothing quickly followed suit and I was back to sucking Him off.

He was quite satisfied with my performance, I think. Given His "Don't stop" when I had Him at my mercy (hee hee hee) and how nicely He came in/all over me, that's a technique I'll be keeping in mind for the future. Something He's not even aware of is that up until last night I'd never had a guy cum on my face. Surprising, I know. Kind of like I have never put a condom on a man's cock. Though for that, my hands are typically restrained so it's not like I've even had the opportunity. And before kink...well that was something the men always took care of. *shrugs*

He pulled me close for cuddles after He came. Heh, then He decided He wasn't through with me. I was told to get on the floor. As He pushed me gently down, I met His eyes. There was a hungry look in them. My slightly scary hunter had His prey cornered and He damn well knew it!! He thrust into me, claiming me. As my eyes met His, I could see the possessiveness. He was gauging my reactions. Enjoying how every deep thrust left me wide-eyed. I was in heaven, clinging to Him when able. Wanting to stay in the moment forever, being so physically and emotionally connected with Him.

All good things must come to an end as I found myself wrapped up in His arms, tucked into bed. He'd turned off the lights and I assume He meant for us to sleep. I was riled up, my mind racing. I had Meatloaf's "Two Out of Three" stuck in my mind as well as Sara Bareilles' "Stay". The lyrics to those are haunting and apt. I also had Toto's "Africa" in my head; I'm not going to even try to puzzle that one out.

Then I started giggling. It took a few minutes for me to stop. I still don't know why I erupted into a fit of laughter. Maybe nervousness? He kept giving me strange looks. I guess it was apparent to Him that I was wide awake.

He decided that in order for me to sleep, He was going to wear me out. Thoroughly and completely with more orgasms than my body could handle. As y'all know, orgasm control is a big part of our D/s relationship. Oh did He ever show His mastery of my body!! Sir had me on top of Him where I wasn't to fuck, but simply cum on command around His cock.

I lost count at 18. I wouldn't doubt we hit over two dozen. Pulling my hair down to Him while thrusting deep inside of me...I can't explain what that does to me, having Him deep and fully within me. We were so synced up. Every orgasm furthering His pleasure. He was completely in control, of my mind and body.

Then He took over fucking me for His pleasure. Yes, orgasm three for Him. Mmmm! By the end, I literally could not orgasm anymore. He tried but my body could not handle anything else. That's a damn good way to fall asleep!! As we readied ourselves for bed a second time, I slipped into a purple satin little nightie. I could tell Sir liked it as He couldn't keep His hands off of it and me.

He pulled me close as we fell asleep. I was wrapped up in His arms throughout the night. Feelings of being safe, protected, wanted, and cherished lingered deep within me. I'm still basking in the glow of sleeping in His arms. I didn't want to get out of bed either. Waking up next to Him was perfect. I watched Him sleep for a while as I clung to the moment of peace and sweetness as long as I could.

The Sadist does not play fair. Not one bit! I had forgotten the report. (well, not exactly...I just had no idea what to do as I normally text Him at the end of the night. Details that we worked out later) So to up the challenge, He had me get back on top and ride Him to make Him cum. But for every orgasm that I had, it was another minute of punishment. I was managing quite well, even with Him thrusting deep inside of me. Until He held me up by my throat as I rode Him, unable to use my hands for leverage.

Imagine that: Riding His cock while He had a hand around my throat. Some body weight held by my legs, the rest with His hand. Especially as He grabbed/pulled my hair to bring me closer to Him.

I was lost from that point. There was no saving me from the three orgasms that racked through my body. The final one was while He was coming inside of me. He warned me He was close and how could I not cum when my Sir was having an orgasm deep within me? The Sadist is a deliciously evil part of Him.

We truly didn't get out of bed and dressed until nearly noon. We bonded in that time. He had me read a short story a friend of His wrote. I was leaning against Him as I read. At one point, He rested His head in my lap, reading along with me.

Then we went out for breakfast and talked about a story that's been in my mind for years. We're both writers by choice and nature. He picked up on the themes of my story with such ease and helped fill in all the gaps. A one book story became four complete books, including a prequel, within an hour of conversation. I would love for Him to write this story with me. So we'll see how that goes. :)

We went back to His place to watch "Chuck"...last time...well, I wasn't allowed to talk about that. It's still a writing sitting in my drafts: mocking me. Maybe He'll finally let me post it! :-P  So an episode of Chuck later and it's nearly 3pm. Sir didn't want me to go and very honestly, I never wanted to leave. I am super comfortable with Him. He was doing His best to keep me there, even letting another episode start so as to entice me. But away I went, back to my home...that is very empty without Him.

So that was our first and truly wonderful night together. Memories I will hold close to me every night as I fall asleep...Until His arms can be wrapped around me once more.

Choice and D/s

Before I get into the rest of the details from my previous post...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so the long squeal of delight is because I'm spending the night with Sir!!! It's our first and I've been bouncing for joy since we made plans. Cuddling!!! And I was told to bring toys. Gonna be a happy kitten tonight! I had to share this delightful news. I'm sure I'll have plenty of details to write about tomorrow!

Back to choices. This began with a conversation we had on Sunday. In His hesitancy to put restricting rules in place as it takes away choice. I've been thinking about that all week actually. The idea of choice in the confines of D/s.

The moment true choice is taken away, the line of consent blurs. I know some slaves, likely even some submissives, live this way quite happily. It comes from a place of trust and mutual understanding.

But I challenge anyone within a BDSM relationship to say they don't have choice in some capacity or another. We can still say "no" and if it's not respected, then we have the option of leaving. Anything else is abuse, not BDSM.

So the idea of choice is a fuzzy one. Because Doms and subs often do things they may not like in order to please the other person. It does go both ways. Doms don't want to be Dominant all the time no more than a sub wants to be submissive all the time. We do things in relationships out of love, respect, and the idea of placing another's needs above ones own.

I will always have a choice. I can choose not to do whatever Sir tells me. There will be consequences, of course. If it's something I agreed to, then punishment will occur. If it's something I can or will no longer do, then it's time to reevaluate. Renegotiate.

By personal choice, I would not be sexually monogamous. I'm old enough to realize that I will want to have sex with others, the fantasy of the "One" has been gone for some time. And young enough that a lot of options are available to me at any given time. If Sir says "no", then I have a choice. I can agree to it or I can disagree. What happens from there will depend on several factors, I'm sure. As of right now, I can live with the sexual monogamy as it's not quite that black and white. I have the freedom to emotionally connect with others as well as play.

Choices. What we do is consensual, safe, and sane. We take calculated risks, not just with our bodies. With our minds, hearts, souls. As a sub, I trust the Dom I'm with to make choices for me. I can always say no, but I don't want to. I'm with the man for a reason after all. 

We're compatible, in more ways than just kink. I chose Him. I chose D/s, knowing full well that I will not have the full and complete choices of how I live my life. I don't want all those choices. The biggest choice I will ever make is in deciding who I will submit to. That is Sir.

Even His hesitation and fears about removing choice let me know He's the right person. Because He won't make decisions for me without knowing for sure if it's right. And if it's not, we'll find a way to make it work. That's the man He is and why He's worthy of trust.

I can understand why He's afraid to remove choice. Doesn't want to mirco-manage me. And given my abusive past, He doesn't want to affect my life in a negative way. But it's my choice to submit. My choice to hand over parts of my life to Him.

As long as He is the man I know now, a good and honorable person, then I will continue to give myself to Him. For however long He wants me. :)

I'm sure I'll more to say on this topic in the future...

Choices Made

My best friend growing up and my best friend now share the same name. Different women obviously.

My second love was my childhood best friend. I fell for her while my heart was still raw from losing my first love, a boy who still and always will have a place in my heart.

I loved her deeply. I wanted to spend my life by her side...I should have known then I was poly. I keep waiting for her to come out of that closet as well.

We were more than friends without being lovers. She was...is my heart. I will love her with every breath till the day I die. It kills me that I lost her friendship many years ago.

So, now I have my new best female friend. Who shares the same name. The one I'm currently visiting. The one who is looking for a poly "sister" for her and her fiance.

I would play with her, but women are different. And given whose name she shares, it's agonizing. Having her as a best friend is difficult enough, let alone being emotionally/physically intimate.

I have a hard enough time always believing Sir isn't going to leave/disappear. Let alone anyone else in my life.

Not to mention, I frankly don't know if I should pursue something. Sir comes first and I feel like being intimate on any level with my friend will cause conflict down the road.

It's ironic. My childhood friend couldn't be what I needed of her, and I can't be what my friend now needs of me.

It's not just with her. I'm sure K and R will not like the conversation that's going to occur one of these days. I can't be the sexual sub they need.

I was able to rattle off a list of people last night while on the phone with Sir. Of people that want me in bed to do kinky and/or sexual things with me...and those were only the people He'd recognize by name...


My instinct is to be what people need of me. Especially people I love, and there are quite many of those people. I know I can't be everything to everyone.


I know how Sir is. What allowances He would and wouldn't give a long term partner. I knew going in, with full understanding, the choices I'd have to make. Yes, my choices. He can't make me be or live in any way I didn't consent to. I knew what my options were and I chose Him.

I chose to give myself to Sir. All I can give to Him, be all He wants and needs. Whatever resources I have left, I gladly will give to those I love. But it's always going to be limited. Something I need to cement in my mind so as to make clear to others.

Please don't take this as changing for a man. I know full well what I can and can't live with. And I accept who He is, including what all that means.

It means some vanilla, some kink, a whole lot of geek, sexual monogamy, acknowledging my relationship with God (sometimes lack thereof), and likely a mess of other things.

It means what could be with my best friend, never will be. And I'm okay with that. It's the choice I made to be with the man I love.

Which leads into a whole interesting topic about choices and D/s. Tomorrow...

When He Says the Right Thing

I'm torn whether He said the hottest or sweetest thing to me last evening. Without context, it doesn't make a lot of sense. So bear with me as I detail the conversation:

me: Oh dear, there may be interesting convos happening tonight. I have mentioned [people I'm with]'s interest in me. It's getting brought up again heh.

Him: Heh, nice. You seem to be quite popular.

Yeah, I know :P problem is people want sex. And I don't, not with anyone but you.

Heh. You have a lot more to offer than just that.

I know...and I don't mind kink play. But for [people I'm with], kink and sex are intertwined...and I said I would wait. I meant that. Sex is off limits for anyone else. That's my decision to make, and one I plan to stick with.

I am quite popular. People would be thrilled to have me as a partner. Kink, sexual, emotional or otherwise. I'm well aware of those people. Yet none of it matters. Like it or not, I picked you. Which means everyone else can take a number, for if/maybe when I'm available.

This following is what this post has been leading up to...

Well, if I have anything to say about it, they'll be waiting a very long time.

*swoon*  *sighs happily*

Yeah, that's all I have been able to think about since. :)

Totally hot, in that it makes me want to pounce Him and have lots of wild sex. I just want to be all over His body.

Sweet too, since it makes me want to cuddle up in His arms all protected and owned.

Funny how just one line can have such an impact on me.

In Trying to Understand, We Get a Little Lost

It was lovely to be out yesterday! Hugs and snuggles abounded!

Everyone was happy to see their kitten doing better. Though I managed to somewhat hide the damn cough that wanted to make a reemergence and leave me struggling to breathe.

I was able to see Him which was so lovely! Though He does owe me more cuddles, lol. I'll be sure to cash those in when I see Him next.

All of my recent writings had left Him uneasy. Misunderstandings. You'd think I'd remember that seems to be the nature of things between us. We sorted it out a bit, without really getting into the specifics.

He thought I wanted Him to be "Uber Dom" 24/7, 365. *shakes head* That was not my intention and I think He sees that now.

We have much more to discuss. I really don't want to write about it here until He and I talk. Or it may end up causing further confusion.

So this week will be spent on other ideas. I've been reading enough blogs lately that my head is filled with them. I'm also spending a few days with my one friend and her son. I haven't seen them since before Christmas. I can tell y'all about my vanilla-ish life. LOL

I really don't have much of a "vanilla" life. It's more that I do vanilla things with kinky people. Like being dragged to a hockey game with several of my kinky friends. I've never been and apparently it's time. Or some other nonsense. But I enjoy spending time with my friends so I can live with it.

I also volunteered myself to two friends. The ones who always host parties. They're both Dominants and so need a victim volunteer. I'll have to run it by Him, of course. I doubt it'll be any time soon but it's an offer from one friend to another. And I'm not some crazy bitch who's going to fuck up their lives. I have my own business and affairs. This is just for the sake of fun. :)

Back to Him, to end this post...I can see why He'd be a bit concerned. His life is more geared toward vanilla people, and vanilla life in general. Whereas mine is the exact opposite. But I'm not submissive 24/7. Yeah, it's always there if I need it. I'd get burnt out like anyone else if every single second was kink.

The most kink I've had was Sir playing with previously set up orgasm triggers at the event yesterday. Just for fun and because He could. (I'll tell y'all about that in another post, maybe tomorrow.)

Before that? New years eve. Playing with Him. We've not been kinky or bdsm-like in our D/s since then. Sure, the control and power exchange are a constant undercurrent. But it's rarely touched upon. Just in a few bits of conversation now and then.

We're two people. Bonding. Working to understand each other. Sharing bits of our lives. Like I said in my last post, I see a man who constantly intrigues the hell out of me. He is Dominant, but He's far more complex than that alone. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

I may like the Dom...but I'm head over heels in love the man.

It's different with Him

He is kind, sweet, patient, giving, considerate. He protects and takes care of me, much in the way an owner takes care of a pet.

He's gentle with me. Doesn't require much of me, at least not yet. Often He tells me that who I am is enough.

I've had my fair share of Doms, and interacted with plenty of others.

Sir is in His own league. He's so unlike the others. I've always seen the humanity behind the Dominance. With most, it was something I cringed from. It was a source of weakness. Yet with Him, I see that same humanity, the weaknesses, the imperfections; I find it endearing. With Him, it's a relief.

Maybe because He never hid it. Maybe because I love all I've uncovered. Maybe because instead of seeing a Dom with a person attached...I see a man, who also happens to be Dominant.

He treats me like this soft, fragile little kitten who He pours all His love into, as He is loved unconditionally in return. I am His treasure, which He is stunned to possess and hopes to never lose.

I am free to speak my mind, to ask questions. I'd wager He delights in my curiosity. I am such a curious creature, always wanting to know more. Beyond the knowing, I need the "why"-the comprehension. He's not once begrudged it of me, even when He makes me wait (painfully, I only sometimes have reasonable patience, lol) for the answer/explanation.

He's humble, in that He realizes He has a lot yet to learn especially within the confines of BDSM. Yet He possesses such strength and determination that I know He'll do everything within His power to keep learning, growing, exploring. If He's going to be an Owner, He's damn well going to do it right with the most amount of information available.

While He often sees what I hide away and ignore, He's not once tried to assume that He knows me better than I do myself. Nor has He dismissed anything that is part of me. He enjoys when I express myself as He values the insight, immensely enjoys the process of discovery.

All of this makes Him different. He genuinely places my well-being as a matter of utmost importance in His life. He treats me as more than just the sub, or even the girlfriend. I am not a trophy or a position to be filled.

I am valuable, just as I am with all my strengths and weaknesses. He accepts me as I am today. Just as I accept Him for who He is in this very moment. It's why He's different. It's why this is different.

It's why I have no intention of letting go of this man. Why I am willingly to work through any stumbling blocks. Why I'm willing to grow and adapt to great lengths, find a workable middle ground. Because it is different.

With Him, it's right.

Depths of submission

I think I may finally be getting better. *crossing fingers*  I am up and about again. Hoping to get out tomorrow to socialize with people.

Plus, I want to see Sir. I miss Him, even though we talk daily. I need Him.

It's an idea He's still coming to terms with. It's a huge responsibility to be so needed by another person. He takes it on willingly. Even last night, He mentioned that "owning" another person is something He can't fully wrap His mind around.

I am well-loved in our community. The resident "kitten". I know I've detailed some of my interactions with others. I said to Sir last night that while the community sees me as "theirs" in some ways...I am in all reality His.

He's pushed people away for the last few years. Locked Himself up. I think so He couldn't be hurt again.

Like how He saw past all my walls, I saw past His. I see what an incredible and complex man He is. He is very much wanted. Needed. Loved. We slid into each other's lives with such ease. It's as if we belonged there.

Heh, so it seems He and I are due for another conversation.

Before we take any more steps forward, I need Him to be prepared for who and what I am. Sir has seen glimpses of my submissive nature. We have had some discussions on the matter.

He needs a working understanding of me. A more complete guide.

I have spent the last 6 years unearthing the submissive aspects of me. To the point where I can not go back to who I was. I've tried, been trying. There is no shutting it off. There is not keeping it in the bedroom, or only to be called upon when wanted.

That's like trying to control any other part of my personality. Yes, I'm astute enough to realize when it's inappropriate. I manage just fine in various social situations with the rest of my personality.

But I am not a bedroom sub. And while Sir intellectually understands that, I think there are pieces missing. It's my job to make sure He understands me and what I need. So, next week we'll talk. We're seeing when our schedules coincide.

I know it'll be a slow progression. With circumstances being what they are, He can't take the level of control that either of us want. I honestly don't think "we" as a couple are ready for that either. However, there are steps we can take. Measures of control we can approach...maybe something we need to do.

I don't know. Maybe it'll make more sense after our conversation.

In Craving, In Need

I find myself aching for conversation, touch, and human contact.

There is some concern I might have pneumonia, as the flu shouldn't be causing me breathing issues. It's something I'm keeping an eye on. Because of the sickness that has kept me in bed for a week, I have missed a munch and had to cancel so many plans.

I am a social creature. This isolation does not suit me.

I'm missing kink and BDSM. Both in action and discussion of it. Oh to feel Sir's hand around my throat, squeezing just enough to have me gasping!! I would beg for that on hands and knees, trailing kisses of worship along His shoes, for but a moment of His touch and careful attention.

Instead, I find myself soaking up all the information I can find. I have poured over Fetlife and find myself craving more. So out into blogland I go searching for blogs that can feed these submissive and intellectual demands. Blogs by Doms, who can offer insights and intrigues.

Sir and I are due for long conversations where I will glean curiosities from His mind as He slowly maps out mine. Finally we touch upon our kinks, those deep desires that are begging and pleading for a release.

I wish. I need. I want. I crave.

Dom and sub Accountability

Yearning Letgo was apparently on the same train of thought as me today in her post here.

I've been thinking about accountability. Personal and within the confines of a D/s relationship.

D/s relationships by their very nature can only work when both people are doing what their role requires of them. Dominants must maintain an active control over the submissive, while the sub must actively submit to that control as necessary.

The Dom has clearly defined tools to keep the sub on the right path. Discipline, tasks, rules, punishments. However, at the end of the day, the sub has to WANT to submit. The desire must come from within. Or it would be like a man trying to push a mountain; it will never be done. What the Dom has are means to help and assist the sub.

By the same token, a Dom must want the power and control. It is not something that can be forced, coerced, or demanded of another. It must be a freely accepted need to take power over a sub.

What happens when a Dom needs focusing? Needs that nudge to continue on the path?

As a sub, I have had difficulty with this in the past. Expressing my needs and gently explaining what isn't being met can help. Not always though. It can seem like another burden being placed or seen as questioning the Dom's decisions. When one is new, or even in a new relationship, this can be a huge blow to the ego. Even for a good, well-intentioned Dom, it can be easy to feel like toes are being stepped on or even *gasp* that a sub is topping from the bottom.

It's been something on my mind lately. How to serve a Dom who is slowly stepping back into the role, after some years away. Then I was thinking more in the broader sense, for subs in general.

The answer was startling simple. For a Dominant, the use of dominance furthers the path of the submissive. Honed carefully by knowing the sub, in and out, so as to appropriately direct.

For the submissive then, the path to bringing a Dom back on track is submission. Service. Submitting. Stepping up and easing the burdens of the Dom to make life easier and more comfortable. Being available and of easy access, in an obvious yet non-aggressive manner.

It made sense as soon as I touched upon the idea. What better to draw forth dominance than by offering exactly what it craves, needs, demands? It seems simple, and it really is. It's keeping up with assignments and tasks. Sticking to rituals. Doing little things of service.

Is the morning rushed? Then make it easier. By the night before, laying out neatly everything necessary. Bathroom, kitchen, outfits. Whatever makes things easier. Is dinner regularly rushed and ill-planned? Make a schedule with planned meals ahead of time. Fill it with the Dom's favorites, especially on night's when you know it'll be a hectic/rough day at work.

Only the sub in question can know what is right for the Dom. Whether if and what will help reduce stress and burdens. But, if it seems like the dominance is fading a bit, being proactive can help the Dom see exactly what is so damn appealing about D/s. It'll also help the sub feel better as it's strengthening the submissive connection.

Something to think about, next time the submissive jitters are taking over. For that matter, the dominant ones too. Yes, nothing is a substitute for good, honest, open communication. But no one wants to be a nag and sometimes actions speak louder than words.

6 Months :)

Six months of friendship

smiles and laughs that opened my heart

tears and hugs touching our souls

Don't know what I'd do if we hadn't met

you brought light to my dark world

hope to one who had given up

Six months of slowly growing love

that I denied, ignored, rejected

until I could only accept it

Now we wait on whispered promises

holding tight, your hand in mine

for the day we can shine a light on Us

I am still sick and not going anywhere tonight, tomorrow, maybe not for a few days yet. I was up for about 10 minutes earlier in the afternoon. Wanted to get a bath around to feel clean again. By the time I was soaking in the tub, I was spent. Exhausted and ready for bed.

Took me a good 20 minutes to be somewhat decent again. Damn flu!

This means no time with Sir tonight. That's okay though. We'll have more time together in the future. We will see each other on Sunday after all. Maybe if I can get well, I can see Him sometime this week as well.

We talked a bit on skype earlier and He promised to be back. :)  Holding Him to that, especially with how I was making Him smile.

So, yesterday's post. Were I not sick and only semi-coherent, I don't know if I would have posted that. Well, I don't know if I would have shared nearly so much.

Sir and I are private people. Definitely don't want to connect this blog with our real lives, for practical reasons. I'd say He's even more private than I am, which is why I choose very sparingly to give out details.

Yesterday's post was an explanation of sorts. That we want this. God above we do! But doing it right and in the right time matters more. And given what we've decided to be, the depths of what that means...it's not casual. It's not just D/s. It's fuller, more complex.

It needs more time and attention we can give to it. His choice, mind you one I agree with wholeheartedly. A respectful nod to my past and those who were involved. I respect Sir more for it...as much as I want Him, all the time really.

And that's all I'll say on the matter. It's a choice that was ours to make. We could have made others. We could have gone public now, like we had discussed at one point. But time and space do wonders.

Like I said, I'm thinking long term again. This is a smart choice for the long term.

not me in the picture!! LOL

Now, Sir needs to return so I can continue being cute and snuggly. As well as gushing about how much I love Him. And how He's my giant teddy bear. My protector. Hee hee!!

I really do love Him. So much. I wait for the day I can be truly His. The foresight He has shown tells me that He will make an exceptional Owner and a giving, thoughtful lover.

Where things are going for Us

In the spirit of disclosure...

We did a bit of talking last night about Us. Open disclosure about where things stand and what has to change before we can move forward.

The unspoken issues are still there. I received some promising news via email the other day. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction to have a life that I can truly claim as my own. Only then will I be free to hand it fully over to Him.

Maybe that's enough of a hint of why we've dragged our feet so much over the last few months...

He's made up His mind. I've not made mention of the inner struggle, but I've been hinting His clues over the last week. His decision is to wait until we can do this right. "Two months or two years..."

The whole "when, not if" comment carries a lot more weight upon reflection.

With that in mind, and the intent of this post actually, is that things will be kept at a simmer for the present time. Yes He is still my Sir, and I'm His kitten. That's not changing. Because I need it and I think He needs it a little bit too.

The full scope of what that means is things are fairly tame compared to what they could be. How did He put it? Something along the lines of "not wanting resentment to build" while we wait until we can do this properly. I know what He means.

Right now, I can't give Him the time, attention, or control that we both desire. Maybe in a few months time it'll be different. I'm hoping that email leads to the ability to not be financially entangled with another person. (Maybe more of a hint for y'all?)

I tried to do it with the ex from last year. The Dom I had when I first started this blog. Part of our problem was distance and personality. The other was the same underlying issue here. And Sir has enough insight to be cautious and wait. It drove me insane at the beginning, but I'm seeing His logic.

He also said that He wants to give me time to get used to my new life. Adapt to being on my own...for truly the first time. Okay there were those two years but those almost don't count. There's always been someone having my back. Granted, I do have Sir. But it'll be different. Not living with someone I have another intrinsic relationship with.

Childhood, I had my family. Even in college, I had the support system of the school. A friend and I lived together for a while. That's the almost doesn't count from the past as her parents were very good to both of us. Ever since, I have lived with someone I was romantically involved with. God, this almost suggests that I'm incompetent to take care of myself.

I don't mean it that way. I've always been the one to pay bills. Cook. Shop. Clean. I'm more than capable to be on my own. It's more not having someone there. And even though it's been over a year since we were "all homey" together, my ex is still around enough. There are responsibilities that have yet to be sorted. We're being civil about tearing apart our lives, heh. It's been several years coming. One could argue it never should have began in the first place.

Yes, still being vague on purpose. Not to mention that I'm poly and time tends to overlap on relationships. *grins*  Maybe one day I'll tell you how old I really am...for that matter, how old Sir is too. *winks and giggles*   Maybe...

I have no intention of living with another person I'm romantically involved with for quite some time. It's about time I found my own feet to stand on. And ya know, Sir is only 20 minutes away if I need Him. *wonders if I can talk Him into being the handyman around my place*

So yes, the whole point of this post! I keep getting distracted by sharing details of my personal life...

Basically, it will be several months before Sir and I can take another step in any direction together. We'll still be here. We'll still have stories to share. Maybe I can entice Him to comment more often. Hmmm, maybe entice Him with a blow job for every comment??  I like the sound of that myself, lol!!

In the mean time, need to ask if I can share pictures from over the holidays. I had some lovely bruising. Don't know if He'll want me sharing that here or not. Better to ask than be sorry later! :)

Opening a door?

*long post advisory*

In my previous post, I was talking about Sir opening doors for me. Blondie (who I cannot link because she doesn't have a public profile) commented about how I should just let Him open doors for me.

The simple answer is: If He wants to, then I should let Him.

However, things are never that simple.

For the sake of this post, the ex-boyfriend I'll be talking about I'll call "Rich." 

Rich was part of my life from Sept. 2005 to...well He slowly disappeared around the end of 2009. There's a lot of history there. He was the first guy to really take care of me. He treated me right. Did all the right things. Quite the gentleman. Opening doors, even to a car for me. His dad taught him well.

He was the first to intentionally open doors for me. It was all the time. I'll admit, I was spoiled. He came from a nouveau riche family. Money was not an issue. It was nothing to be taken out to an expensive restaurant just because. He took a trip to Hawaii. We'd only been together for a month or two. On his return, I was showered with gifts, including a pearl ring that he had made for me.

It was more than just the money that Rich dropped on me. It was the intent behind it. I was his girl and I would want for nothing. I didn't need to open doors; he was there. The guy was never cold, but he always had a jacket with him in case I got chilly.

He gave me one more ring. An emerald ring...I didn't want a diamond.

It was never "official" as the engagement was planned for at least another year or two. We had only been together a year or so when Rich gave me that ring, It was a promise though. Plus I think he wanted a ring made specifically for me.

Along the way with Rich, I lost my independent streak. I could even argue that I was no longer my own person. I was an extension of the guy I was dating. Never a good thing. But I was madly in love. We were in love. He was fantastic. I'll admit I screwed up that relationship, and badly.

Enter in the current boyfriend...the bf was best friends with Rich at the time...when we fell for each other.

It all spiraled out of control for awhile. Yet, a few months later, Rich and I made peace. We were still inseparable. In the summer of 2008 we took a long took at ourselves and each other. We almost got back together. Something in my heart told me I had to let him go.

It wasn't until summer of 2011 that I put that relationship behind me. "Opening a door" represents the past I shared with Rich, because it all started there. He would hold open doors even before we were a couple.

With every guy since, I've struggled with letting them open doors for me. I didn't want to mentally compare anyone to Rich as my heart was still very much hurting. I didn't to wrongly set up new people to fail because I placed them against an idealized memory.

So yeah...now you know a bit more about me. And Sir, knowing more about my life between Rich to the present time, is likely going to be very confused by certain actions I took. Or it all might make more sense. He is rather good at figuring me out.

Heh, I have not exactly made good relationship choices since Rich. That is until Sir. He is a very good choice. We've taken our time. Seemingly agonizingly slow, but it has been worth it. I think we've done this right.

Even though I'm scared...because I'm terrified to be so part of another person again. It's part of why relationships haven't been working. Because I wasn't looking for long term people, even if I thought I was. Most of them have been long distance, or the one which started out as a play partner that spiraled out of control...realistically, I wasn't looking for what would make me happy long term. Only immediate short term happiness.

Again, I met Him...and that all changed. Because Sir is someone with long term potential. That's why He's scary. I may have talked about the future with others, even made plans, deep in my heart I knew it wouldn't last.

I was searching for a way to mask the pain. And it never worked. It's why I was so unhappy. I also picked people who were absolutely not what I needed. Some of them down right terrible people.

For the first time since 2007, I'm with someone who I'd consider making and keeping plans with. Heh, that is terrifying. In the good way?? I'm sure this may not make total sense to Sir. He can ask any questions He wants/needs to, obviously.

I did mention that this is far more complex than it appears...

Sir has helped give me a lot of clarity over the last 6 months. Part of which has been the self-destructive path I've been placing myself on when it comes to relationships. And well life in general. Sir calls it "my room of pain" and for a long time I was afraid to venture out.

But maybe, with any luck, I'm at a better place for inner peace and happiness. Which in turn places me in a better position for Us to succeed.

A Date

I am going to nap after writing this so warning now that coherency may not follow.

I'm officially calling Wednesday a date. Why? Because upon reflection, it was one. In reality, I think it was our first.

Yes, we get together often. We've done dinner and lunch before. But it always felt like friends going out. Or our weird "more than friends but not quite anything else" thing that we did for months.

Now I wouldn't even judge it based on who paid or what not. Though it was strange having Him pay for the movie and dinner. I'm not used to that anymore. But I very much appreciated that He did. It was sweet. :)

It was the way He held my hand the entire movie. How He opened the doors into the diner we went to after the movie. Though I have a thing with men who open doors for me. I'm very independent and like to prove it.

If He wants to open doors and not have me fight it, He may want to make a rule about that. Or lay down some foundations of what He expects. Because I'm not going to wait around for a guy to open my door when I'm quite capable of doing such.

Mmm, I love His kisses. They are tender, careful, and sweet...just like Him. There's restraint to His kisses. I look forward to the day when He lets His passions out of the box He keeps them stuff in.

It was a bunch of little things that made it a "date." His attentiveness. Our banter. Everything.

Our first was much better than most first dates I've had. Likely knowing each other for 6 months first helps that. LOL!! It feels at times we're doing this all sorts of sideways and backwards. After all, He is my Sir. I am His sweet submissive kitten. You'd think we'd have had a real date before that.

Strange enough, while the D/s has always been easy, it's trying to fit the rest in place that has been difficult. It's why we've stumbled so often along the way. D/s is but a slice of who we are. The complete package is far more complex and more difficult to attain as a couple.

It's a work in progress. We'll get there eventually. :)

Breaking my Sir? Maaaybe ^_^

I think I broke Him, lol. I poured my heart out yesterday morning. That day we met, He touched my heart in a way that took me months to understand.

I doubt I fully understand it even now. When we met, it felt like meeting an old friend. Wednesday night He had an interesting comment towards that: We recognized someone from our future.

I love Him. So, so much. :)

I'm also sick with that flu going around. Blegh! Started out slow yesterday and really took off today. I woke up and the moment I stood, the room started to spin.

I slept most of the day. Hoping to sleep hard tonight. Maybe feel better tomorrow but I doubt it. The flu is great at kicking my ass. Last year I spent 4-5 days in bed, another week recovering.

Sir has been checking in on me, wishing He could take care of me Himself. But I am decent. I have my 2 kittens with me in bed. Hot cup of tea and a friend bringing me more honey.

He can make it up to me on Tuesday, hee hee. We're going to hang out at one of our places. Torn as I have better (and more) food while He has more movies. Simple answer would be to have Him bring one over.

Even though I'm terribly sick, I almost don't mind. I'm super happy with life. Sir and I are excellent, probably the best we've ever been.

Though I am curious to His reaction my love confession, tee hee. Apparently I showed Him the improbable. Not even going to try to dissect what He means by that. I'm sure it's a good thing though. :)

"Les Mis", Change, and Faith

*SPOILER ALERT*

This writing contains spoilers for the movie/musical "Les Miserables."

Les Miserables...Wow, absolutely incredible. I cried for a good two hours of the movie. Sir was crying too, especially towards the end.

His hand didn't leave me the entire movie. Whether protectively placed on my knee, our fingers interlaced, or His hand wrapped around mine...it was a constant comfort I greatly needed.

There is a scene between Cosette, Eponine, and Marius. Where Eponine brings Marius to meet with Cosette and they express their love for each other. Eponine is off to the side expressing her love for Marius that she knows he'll never return.

Sir knew the scene was coming and what it would do to me. Because that's one of those times where His hand laced with mine. Comforting and fitting so perfectly in His hand, with gentle squeezes now and then.

All of my hopes and fears in regards to Him were played out before me in that scene. I fear being Eponine. The unrequited love that is thrust into the background. I hope to be Cosette, in every sense. (Yes Sir, I just called your not-so-carefully-disguised offhand comment from last night...)

In the movie, Marius and Cosette fall for the other with just one meeting. They knew something was there that could not be ignored...So it was with us. From day one, the man had an appeal and draw that was unexplainable. Heh, He wasn't even aware that He was flirting with me. It was as natural as breathing, and just as right.

By rights I have nothing to fear. His comments last night made it clear where His intentions are. Just taking His time to be sure as I am a rarity to His world, as it turns out. It's why I'm an answer to a prayer. 

To be loved, welcomed, understood without a care to His past or the man He will one day be. To accept Him as the man He is in this moment. To love Him, not in spite of who He is, but because of it.

I told Him that He's an answer to a prayer I made 14 years ago. One that I was convinced was never going to arrive. I didn't tell Him what that prayer was, as we both needed to sleep. But I'll share it here with you all:

I prayed to be taken away from all the pain,

to be in a place where I could

escape and truly let it go.

14 years is a long time to be in pain. He's given me that safe place of acceptance, support, and assurance. That it's okay to leave behind the pain. That the days of intentional harm and careless abuse are done. I trust that I will find days, months, years of joy and peace with Him in my life.

To say that I am not the person I was yesterday is an understatement. My world has changed, in ways that I can't even explain.

He's not the only one who found faith in the answer to a prayer...

When words fail me

Phrases He said over the last 24 hours:

"It couldn't have been anyone but you."

"It's a when, not an if."

"You're an answer to a prayer...

which means that my belief now is partially because of you."

The "when" bit is interesting. That's apparently what He's been operating based off for quite some time. I was still stuck in the land of "if" which now makes all of our miscommunication understandable.

I have no idea how to handle the "answer to a prayer" part. I have no comment; just a mixture of awe and stunned silence.

He's said much more than those. So much more. Hinted at dozens of things. Wanting me to meet more of His friends. Integrating me into His life.

I'm overloaded...overwhelmed.

A mixture of relief and joy. And maybe a little bit of: "Omg, He's serious..."

Vulnerable and Happy

In a week's time, Sir and I will have known each other for 6 months. We agree that it's too long and short of a time frame. So much has happened, almost too much. Yet, it feels like it's just a drop in the water. There's still much yet to happen and discover.

Tentatively, we want to do something together next Tuesday. Just us, celebrating 6 months of incredible friendship and bonding. And a toast to many more months and years ahead of us. We'll have to plan something before then.

July 15th is never going to look the same again. :)

We've changed. Grown. Explored.

I see Him tonight, even if I do have to share Him. But tomorrow, we're getting dinner first and then going to see Les Miserables. I've heard great reviews of the movie, even if it is 2 1/2 hours long. Maybe grab a coffee or a drink after the movie to discuss it. It'll depend on how we're feeling and how late it is. Hmm, it won't be quite 10pm....it's sad that I consider that "late."

*smiles softly*  He's better than I ever expected...more than I could have hoped for.

No games or secret motives...simply Us.

He reminds me of one of my uncles, which is the greatest compliment I could ever give Him. The same fire to change the world and be someone important runs in His veins. That same fierce protectiveness is there as well. Sir even shares the same levels of gentleness and care.

Even though I doubt it'll happen, I would love for the two of them to meet. The energy of two such incredible men in one room would be breath-taking to watch. I also wouldn't mind my uncle's advice in regards to Sir as he's the one man I have always trusted.

I know it makes Him a little uncomfortable that I can discuss Him so often and freely. Partially because of the public nature of the blog...but I think mainly, it touches Him in a place that He wasn't ready to expose again. He may have more issues with being vulnerable than I do...poor man.

But I'll say this: It's good for Him.

He's happier. I know because He smiles more. Genuine smiles that shine from deep within.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to what the next 6 months will bring...

Progress

I was rereading my blog...because I do that now and then. I like to see where we were. What progress we've made. Often I gain insights into what did and didn't work.

My second post was quite startling and enlightening. I said that He'd never be mine. I felt it deep within me that I would never even come close to having what I do now, let alone the possibilities that still exist.

Because He is mine. He's my Sir and one of my greatest friends. I'm His sweet kitten. :-)

I think I understand what He was trying to convey all along...

I worry too much!!

It's a learning curve we've both had to work through. He's patient with me in that regard, just as I'm patient with aspects of Him. It took some time to get used to that, for sure. It seems we've found a good balance.

Furthermore upon reading through my archives, I found out that we don't function well when I try to take control of things, or push just a little too hard. *blushes* 

As terrible as this is going to sound, I needed to learn my place. That's at His feet with a (metaphorical) collar around my neck while He holds my leash. In that mental space, I thrive. I am content. 

Now it does require Him to take hold of the leash and direct me as appropriate...that was also a missing piece most of the time we were struggling.

He and I are an "us" when He leads. I understand He's still trying to find His comfort level in all this. I'm figuring out expressing myself in the right way.

Allowing Him to help and guide me, to become a healthier/better me....I asked Him for help with a non-D/s issue earlier. To have my back and protect me, if necessary. The "me" from 6 months ago wouldn't have done that.

That version of "me" would have tackled the problem all on my own. "Help, who needs that? Not me that's for sure!!"  

Heh, He's taught me that not only can't I do it all on my own, there's also no reason to do such. He's here for me. Yeah, sometimes I still need a reminder but I'm starting to accept that as truth. He's here to help. I've believed for a while now that He and I did not meet by accident. Belief, which can be painfully difficult for me to accept.

Yet I'm at peace with my belief that He is in my life for a reason. He's meant to help me; and He's already done so much. I also belief I'm here to help Him.

Whether this is just to give the other the friendship and confidante we needed...or something more...that's something I don't know. But I have faith it'll all work out. I trust Him to lead and I promise to follow with an open heart/mind/soul.

Being Open, Without Walls

We've been topic jumping today. From movies to dreams to some deep, personal matters.

I wasn't very coherent earlier as I'm still not feeling my best. He was talking the Matrix movies and while I adore them, loving to discuss the finer details...truly, they watch like very good literature. Best watched like reading one long book. Seeing how the Matrix Reloaded is in fact the "meat" and "transition" of the story lines.

That's neither here nor there. It's a topic for Him and I to discuss at a later point.

It was the deeper issues that I want to talk about today. I've been keeping something back from Him. Dark and miserable things. I do not wish to burden Him with these things, nor do I wish to scare Him away.

But, He said something that is giving me pause and reconsideration:

"It's your life and has a direct impact on you and how you act and thus on me and us."

I fear losing Him, but He's right. He can't fulfill His role if I keep myself hidden. It also seems there are a few things I can yet keep from Him. I wasn't sure, until today.

He has a false perception on a part of my life because I don't share the bad. At least not to the extent in which it exists.

I have to trust Him with this and that He will stay. It's not easy on Him, I know. It will be His burden to share as well, and yet He asks without hesitation to be kept aware.

I do not know why He believes me worth the effort. He could have someone who's not as damaged, not as complicated. Yet, I accept that He knows what He's doing. This is a man who carefully thinks out His actions. He does not rush nor take unnecessary risks.

If I am His, and I am, then it is with full knowledge and purpose.

I will be more open and direct. For His and our sake, I will dismantle more walls so He can see clearly.

I imagine one day I will be laid bare completely before Him. All that I am, available for access and exploration. He may not ever understand it all. That is mission enough for a lifetime and more. But I believe one day He'll be able to explore freely, at His pace and upon His whims.

What is Love

I'm a tad under the weather today...so this may not be my most coherent post.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about people's dramas and inability to recognize very obvious warning signs.

Some of them have resolved a few issues over the last few days. I basically want people to keep the peace. If they can manage that, then we're all good.

I got a text from an ex (the one I broke up with in Sept)...he wants to talk to me about his new sub. He doesn't even need to say it. I just know. Probably had sex, if his status on fetlife is anything to go by. The new girl doesn't like me, so I'd rather stay as far away from that mess as possible.

I was texting Sir when I mentioned the message I received. He knows all the recent happenings have been taking a toll on my emotional health. I told Him I can't keep doing it. I'm wearing myself out trying to fix other people.

His suggestion was to focus on the important things and let the rest go. I plan on doing such with a select group of people who appreciate the concern and love.

And He is someone I will be keeping close. As if there was any doubt, heh. He is my Sir and my love.

Speaking of love, I was thinking about actions versus words. I think it affected my dreams last night. In dream, Sir was there and told me "Love you too."

Something He's not said to me. Which is fine...if He says it, it'll be on His own terms.

I mentioned this to Him while we were texting. He wondered if it were unspoken desires. We talked long about it.

Truth is I was ready to write a post about this for today anyway. No, He's not said the words...but many men have. With lust in their eyes and hunger in their hearts.

He shows it, every day. In His actions and understanding. In how He comforts and protects me.

It's all we do for each other. That's love. The words are but confirmation of what is blatantly obvious.

The words are nice, comforting. But they don't hold a candle to the importance and benefit of actions.

Helpless

My community is crashing and I don't know what to do about it.

I see it all and I'm helpless to stop it from happening.

Two friends are being blind about a man who is only using them as a status symbol. Even when confronted by all the evidence, most of which they've gathered on their own, they still fall right in line and believe his bull shit.

Another two friends are terrible for each other because they have no clue how to communicate. And it's sent a horrific spiral throughout our close-knit group. Because of their inability to have a reasonable conversation, the physical health of two people outside of their "whatever the fuck they are" were put in danger.

A predator has returned, as has his victim. Though she's mentally unstable, or was the last I heard from her. And she's a predator in her own sense, in that she is desperately searching for a Dom at least half her age.

A female friend is traveling from one poly group to the next, completely lost. She's going to really fuck herself up mentally/emotionally if she doesn't get a hold of reality. Reasonable expectations are necessary for a healthy relationship...I've learned that lesson first hand.

K and R were having some issues. I think they're all good now. But it had a bit to do with me, semi-indirectly. At least I think I helped with that situation.

But I feel utterly helpless. I want to be furious and shake sense into these people. I know it won't do any good.

I'm empathetic. I want to help fix the people I love. I hurt when they hurt. I stress more when the people around me are freaking out. When Sir is having a bad day, I feel it deep within me. It's a motivational tool to help people.

And Sir...He has issues of His own right now. Work stuff. I'm worried about Him. There's nothing I can do besides be there for Him. Also, be good and not be needy until He can sort things out internally. Working on the being good part. I forgot my daily report last night. My punishment is guilt and humiliation, in that He's going to remind me of it for awhile.

A consistent jab at my mistake. But there's a lesson in there. Reinforcement. Get me to the point where it becomes ingrained. I understand it, even as it hurts.

I just want people to be happy. I feel absolutely powerless to help them.

Ending the year with a bang

WOW!!!

I thought the weekend was amazing. New years eve topped that by a long shot!!

To explain my last post a bit, and the "strange woman". I had a friend come up to spend the night. She's really cool and definitely added to the fun of the night. So she crashed in my bed because it's a King and there's plenty of room. However, a strange person in bed always causes me to sleep restlessly.

I highly doubt I'll be able to sleep whenever He and I spend that first night together. I'm all too aware of another person moving. Though He may have me snuggled too close for either of us to move, heh.

I had some marks from the weekend. Nice little bruises. I played with a lot of people that night. Given that it was at my house, I ended up the demo Top and bottom for a number of scenes. Yes folks, I can Top if necessary. It's not really my thing, but the two guys really enjoyed themselves.

I bottomed for two scenes...well, bottomed for one with K.

The other scene was with Sir. Mmmmmmm!! That was not bottoming. That was submitting. Big difference, lol.

Now to give you some insight into Him and I, we've been fairly reserved in public together. People have seen and commented on the energy between us. However, given we were still figuring things out, we kept ourselves as just friends and our actions further reflected that.

New years eve changed all of that. It was something we discussed ahead of time. He would be a bit more possessive of me. The physical and emotional distance would be removed. I'm sure it surprised a few people and I wouldn't doubt thoughts are stirring in people's minds.

We cuddled and snuggled in front of everyone for half the night. For which I was naked, though that's not surprising to our friends. That I stayed clothed as long as I did NYE was a surprise honestly. But the sexy cocktail dress needed to be shown off. :-D

Sir and I also scened, in front of people. A first for us. (We played privately over the weekend while people were upstairs.)

I have a larger number of bruises now. Heh, we found out I can orgasm from being hit in a very specific spot: the underside of my ass right where it meets my thighs. He made me cum with the cane over the weekend and a belt on NYE.

Mmmmm, I am a fan of the belt!!! Especially when He uses it on me!!

The floggers and crop were also nice.

Things got really interesting when He turned me around though. We were playing on the host's cross on NYE. When we locked eyes, two very different sides came out of us. The "Hunter" emerged from Him. This time there was no fear and shaking...

I laughed. Yeah...laughed when He hit me. Not because I thought the situation was funny, nor was I disrespecting Him.

He brought out the side that delights in the pain. It rarely makes an appearance but there wasn't a sub before Him. More like a wild creature that He was taming. It's intense to watch, from what I've been told.

Actually, a female friend of ours was watching our scene and became quite concerned for me. She'd never seen me play that hard before and was worried that Sir was hitting me too hard. But a few friends explained that as long as I wasn't saying my safe word, then there was nothing anyone could do. Not to mention that different people can handle different types of pain.

Monday night, I needed Sir to hurt me. I didn't want the nice and gentle side that I love dearly. That was for later in the night. On that cross, I needed Him to hurt me. Mark me. Tear me down to bare open all that I am.

Then cuddle me for the next three hours, LOL!!!

I'm still flying pretty damn high from that night. Crossing my fingers and hoping I don't crash from this. If I do, let it be next week when I can see Him again.

We're doing a vanilla movie/dinner night. Going to see Les Miserables next Wednesday. Should be a very nice time. :)